Putting Up Walls

"I don't know if it has any application or not, but I know that DH absolutely puts walls up around his story of teen pregnancy, marriage and divorce "zxzxsdad saidI think the judgement and prejudice would be pretty similar to being a natural Mother who placed;~((

I've always been pretty much upfront with other people about surrendering my son to adoption, but I think I probably shielded myself when I was younger by not talking about my actual feelings surrounding the childbirth and relinquishment experience. Part of that may be due to the fact that it took me many years to really sort out my feelings and emotions about what I'd gone through. It wasn't until I came face to face with my son that I realized just how much grief and trauma was at work in my psyche all those years.I have noticed one thing about myself and building walls here, though. When the boards go through a contentious period, as all message boards seem to do from time to time, I usually pull back emotionally. I'll get really quiet, not only on the boards but also at home. So, yeah, maybe I do put up a wall to protect myself at times....

At age 7, when I was told of my adoption, I built walls.They were a way to provide protection from what I understood at the time. I was after all, suspect and tainted, an outsider. In an instant there were walls. The feelings were unimaginable and contained a promise to myself that this hurt would never again happen.The walls not only kept people out, but also kept my feelings in. They were a means to provide a "wait and see" time frame From previous experiences, I learned life would be hard, and it was.The walls provided protection from people intruding into my head. I had a chance to see what they wanted before letting them in. Some got in only part way, others not at all.For me, walls and trust issues went hand in hand. If someone became affectionate or hard and demanding the walls provided protection to sort out the circumstances. I could see what they wanted and what the circumstances would be before becoming involved. The walls were in some ways, an early warning system.Today, remnants of the walls remain. They are lower, more transparent but still act as a form of protection. Often I prefer to be alone rather than to be in the company of people who not only don't understand adoption, or grief and loss, but have never had a deep emotional experience. They have a freedom that adoption doesn't provide.Unless I bring it up, my adoption never surfaces and I can become as much a part of my friends and peers as I choose. My life after all, is not an open book.Many posters have indicated their experiences with walls -- it seems that is a part of adoption.I wish you the best.

YES, YES, YES!!!! :love:

Thanks everyone. I really didn't mean to make this thread a "me, me, me" thing, but I appreciate your thoughts. And I'm glad to hear that this is a normal process - at least in the fact that other people have experienced it, or something similar. I think it's so interesting, because I used to have lots of walls up in my personal life with romantic relationships. I was VERY protective of my feelings to try to ensure that I didn't get hurt. Those came CRASHING down in the past year and a half when I realized that those walls could keep me away from someone that is really great. But they did serve their purpose for a time. And I think they were effective. Maybe because I realized when it was time for them to come down?I suppose I wonder if these adoption walls are the same....

(((((Drywall))))) Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It helps me understand what might be going on inside my son's head a bit better. He's always been a master at putting up walls, and I've known for a long time that it's a protective mechanism of some sort. He was physically and emotionally abused by his aparents, and then they pretty much abandoned him when he became a teenager. He told me years ago how he felt abandoned and rejected not just once, but twice by the time he was 14...first by me and then by his folks. I suspect that being adopted and abused is a double whammy, and it's easy to see why the walls come up.

I have and did and still do. It is the only way I can protect myself. I was working with E to get some of those walls down but I have found in recent months and years, especially with everything that has happened with my relationship (or whatever you wish to call it) with the AP's has tumbled, that they are going back up again and probably higher then they were before.

TG, I truly believe YOU will know when it's time to break down those walls and who you should break them down for. It's not anyone elses business but your own. No, walls are not always healthy, but sometimes they are NECESSARY FOR SURVIVAL! I am the mistress of building walls. :-) If we had no walls ever, think of how drafty it would be...

Now I will be thinking about the difference between "walls" and "boundaries." Perhaps it is the difference between fear of others and definition of self.

I've been thinking about this myself, especially since you asked, and I think that often walls and boundaries are pretty synonymous - except that people tend to view "boundaries" as healthy and "walls" as....not. Also, I think boundaries (in some instances) work on mutual respect. You put up a boundary and hope that it will be respected. Walls, in my opinion, rely less on that hope of mutual respect. Personally? I called them walls because I feel like I'm putting up walls to protect myself. I feel like I've had boundaries crossed and it's been detrimental for me. My choice is to no longer provide that option. So you might not respect my boundaries, but I'm protected because you have to respect my walls, kwim? You have no other choice since I'm no longer letting you in. I don't know if that translates to anyone else's experiences, but I think that's where I am at least....

I've been thinking about this a bit as well before reading your post. I have been pretty public in an anonymous way both on my blog and somewhat on here. I haven't held too much back about what I think and feel because I needed to work through things. For me, doing so in this way let me deal with my son's placement on my terms. It also kept me in check, making me think about what I was going to say and if I was willing to have to back it up if others disagreed with me. Have it be in a online world let me leave the adoption talk when I needed to, return to my "real life" and be normalish, but then I had a place to talk about it as well. I think for me having walls is healthy, but I do think being completely walled off is not. Not everyone will deal with an adoption by having a blog, some might think I'm crazy for all I write in it, but at the end of the day it's my outlet for dealing with things on my terms. If I were completely to shut down about the adoption and not talk about it, I sort of believe that many times things will get so built up behind those walls that one day they'll come down and there will be a lot to try to deal with. So instead I try to leave outlets for myself, ways to deal with everything in the hopes that if I finally decide to take down a wall or two I have started the process of dealing with the emotions and my own doubts and feelings.

TGivingMom, this explanation is how I view the difference between"walls" and "boundaries."To me "walls" are a very personal thing and they are built as a means of self protection. When I built walls, they were to keep people out of my head and limiting them "in" only far enough for me to see what they wanted and if I wanted to get involved. Every time we met there was an evaluation of them and what they wanted from me. They had no idea of the "wall" and could never enter my space without being evaluated first. If they attempted to overcome the "wall" there was always an immediate reaction -- most of the time it was not visible, but it was remembered.The "wall" applied to everyone -- peers, school buds, teachers, etc. Even my a-parents were subject to wall approval.A secondary feature of the wall was it limited my outward feelings and gave me time to get to know people. There was time to decide if they could be trusted. Then decide how far "in" they were admitted. Whatever the outcome with people wanting to leave footprints, they never knew they had been evaluated for safety reasons. I had total control. Those that never got in, (and few did) never knew why they had been denied. No explanation was given.A "boundary" has some of the "wall" pieces but it is less rigid...not as much cast in stone. In a "boundary" people have the ability to overcome that boundary and invade a personal space. Whereas, in a "wall" they don't have any options because they don't know the wall exists and if the wall is breached, there is always a form of action that follows.A boundary is less rigid and allows for less immediate action than a "wall." People generally have 2 sets of boundaries. Those that are generally accepted conduct by most people, and those personal "boundaries" that are personal areas to us, or likes and dislikes we don't want invaded.To me, the difference is the action that comes about as a result of a breach of a "boundary" rather than a "wall." In breaches of a "boundary" there can be a warning, whereas in a wall there is little if any explanation. The reaction promoted by a boundary breach can be softer and not involve an immediate reaction that may be found in a breach of a "wall." In my own areas of concern, I never considered a "boundary" because it provided an option for people either to accept them or to invade them. With a "wall" they can't do that.I wish you the best.

My experience with walls are this: When I gave my baby up for adoption , I had to build walls to protect myself from me and probably outsiders as well. I knew of my decision early on and started the construction way before the baby was born. I knew I had dissappointed everyone getting pregnant and It was all just to painful. Then, we just never talked about it.....Now I see that counseling would have been benificial. None was offered. The wall was up for 36 yrs. when my baby found me 2 yrs ago. It didn't take long at all before those walls started to crumble and then it was a ton of debris! I was just a mountain of emotional debris....that's the only way I know how to explain it. I had to take out all those emotions and finally deal with them and it's amazing what you have to relive. Only another birthmom would understand. But, It had to finally happen, I felt free of the burden I couldn't share with anyone else and now I can heal. Even now I still have alot to work out and realized I was starting to re build some of that wall.....yes, to protect myself and to keep some of those raw emotions tucked away, the ones that no body else could ever understand. Even though our reunion was a good one, I had no idea how to handle everything and wishing I had someone to talk to about it. That's why I came to this site in the first place...to find some answers and maybe conect with others that has had my experience...I think it is important. Thank you for the outlet! Susie

Do the Walls Come Down Do the walls come down When you think of me Do your eyes grow dim Do the walls come down When you think of me Do you let me in Nothing like a rainy night To set your heart rememberin' Nothing like a vivid dream To take you back again When you think of me Do your eyes grow dim Do the walls come down When you think of me Do you let me in Something in my pocket That was written years ago In faded ink says, 'You are my fire' Do you think so... Is it easier for you to say You never loved me anyway Or do you hide me in your attic trunk Like a stowaway? Lyrics by Carly Simon, 1987, Arista Records, Inc.

I keep coming back to these lyrics. Thanks Raven :flowergift: