Mouthy 9 year old- suggestions??
So i have a rather mouthy and argumentative 9 year old that i dont know what to do with anymore. Its not like the kids you see on "Supernanny" but his mouth gets him in trouble more often than it should and im at a loss on how to curb it.
Example of the arguing: C- What time is it?
Me: Its 6:30
C: No its not, its 6:28
Me: Close enough
C: Well im just saying your wrong, its 6:28, not 6:30
And this is just one small example. if you say his nose is bleeding, he would say "NO, its not," even if it was.
He ALWAYS has to get the last word in on everything. Its really annoying not to mention that it isnt really a great quality to carry with you through life.
He does get disrespectful and everytime he does i explain that isnt the way we talk at our house, its unacceptable, do not do it again. Well, im sick of talking and telling him over and over and over. at age 9 he knows what okay and what not. I shouldnt have to give warnings and explain time and time again how what he said or the way he said it isnt acceptable.
I have in the past put him in time outs (which he's too old for timeout now at 9) sent him to his room when he cant be respectful, say, Try again, until he says it without whining or a snotty tone of voice. And they all really work for the moment, but nothing has curbed the behavior long term. Im usually a very no-nonsense parent and he doesnt get away with anything but i havent found a good solution to this problem. I really, really want to get him to understand that it just isnt right to speak to people the way he does and that later in life it certainly isnt going to do him any favors with a mouth like that.
Especally when he argues with my parents or dh's parents, that really gets me mad cuz he has no sense of respect for his elders. He just thinks its okay to say anything to anyone. And that isnt how i was raised and it really urks me that he thinks nothing of the way he talks to them is wrong. Even though i constantly tell him not to say this or that.
I need action, but i dont know what action to take!!! Does anyone who has kids this age have any advice for me?? It isnt going to get better the older he gets, i want to get it under control NOW!! Thanks,Rach
I have a 9 year old with a smart mouth too. I've given up on the warnings, explanations, etc. He's 9 - he knows what's expected of him and he knows proper behavior.

My new approach? Turn around and walk away. Sounds ridiculous, right? It works. Not ALL the time, but enough to give me a bit of sanity.

IE - my kid gets smart I turn around and walk away. Sometimes he tries to engage me, but I do what I need to do until he finally says "Why are you ignorning me?" I simply tell him that I don't talk to people who treat me so poorly.

If it's really bad, he loses the next thing he wants, but I don't tell him that until the time comes.

IE - he smart mouths and doesn't let up. 3 hours later he wants to watch tv. "Sorry, buddy. I don't reward people who treat me poorly."

Life is not perfect. In fact, his attitude can be pretty craptastic at times...but "I" feel better by not engaging with him.
I have a mouthy 8yr old son ( he has always been this way). He got in a ton of trouble at school today (name on the board 4x's, sent to the principles office a week of lunch detention AND a call to me).
After DH talked to him about it T went to his room and mouthed off "If you think I was mean today you just wait". Dh quickly informed him HE can be much meaner and he was real close to having nothing in his room but a pillow and blanket in the floor. Of coarse T goes from acting like a mouthy teen to crying like a todder.
I like the love and logic approach: "I charge $2 a minute to listen to a smart mouth, you paying me in cash, toys or chores?"

I've also stopped engaging. The rule is well established. I just walk over, take S. my the hand and lead her to her room. Calmly state "You can come join us when you are ready to treat us respectfully." and close the door.

It's really been quite amazingly sucessful. Smile
What about only allowing him to drink infant formula for the rest of the day if he's mouthy.

Just kidding.

Kind of.
I have no useful advise other than telling you I understand your frustration, I have a 17 year old mouthy daughter.
I've worked with lots of pre teens and teens, and part of what I've seen help is breaking the dynamic that has been going on. So, with your example, what might have happened if when he said "it's 6:28" you would have smiled, given him a grin and said "so it is, my detail oriented son!" and then just gone about whatever it was you were doing. Kids can't argue if there's no one who will argue back. They will try, and they won't give up quickly, but arguing always has at least two players. Trust me, I say that and believe it, and, yes, I still find myself at times arguing with my 14 year old niece...how do I get sucked in? Smile

Right now, it sounds like your son has a lot of power just by being argumentative. Every time he can engage an adult in "yes it is, no it isn't" he has a kind of connection with you, as well as the power to impact how you feel. I don't want to imply that it's on purpose, or conscious, but it's probably pretty reinforcing.

Anytime he's just snotty when responding you can ignore, use humor, or agree (if he's right...why not...can't argue with someone who agrees you are right,)

If he's actually overtly disrespectul by shouting orders at you or using language, then, very gently and without anger you might try saying "kiddo, I don't let people talk to me that way" and moving away. At first it might exacerbate his behavior as he tries to engage with you in the way he's been most comfortable. You might choose to do something to connect with him in a positive way like go throw a football for 15 minutes, then when you have connected positively with him and everyone's relaxed you can say something like "I think you were trying to tell me something, but it was in a way that wasn't okay with me. I'd like to hear it" A lot of what's behind kids arguing is that they lack the abilty to do it "right," they are impulsive, they feel emotion intensely and haven't learned how to channel it, and it's a way to connect...not a positive way, but a way. Replacing negative connecting with positive connecting can help, and can allow you to teach your son how to manage his reactions.

Kirk Martin, his company is Celebrate Calm, has wonderful ideas for working with disrespectful kids. His cds are pricey, but he has a terrific email newsletter. I'm always happy when I see it in my inbox. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book on Kids, Parents and Power Struggles is great too.

the best to you,

Susan
Just coming off of Facebook I was looking for the like button out here, lol. There is none so I wanted to say, I like your advice...very very much Smile

Suzeb1 said...
I've worked with lots of pre teens and teens, and part of what I've seen help is breaking the dynamic that has been going on. So, with your example, what might have happened if when he said "it's 6:28" you would have smiled, given him a grin and said "so it is, my detail oriented son!" and then just gone about whatever it was you were doing. Kids can't argue if there's no one who will argue back. They will try, and they won't give up quickly, but arguing always has at least two players. Trust me, I say that and believe it, and, yes, I still find myself at times arguing with my 14 year old niece...how do I get sucked in? Smile

Right now, it sounds like your son has a lot of power just by being argumentative. Every time he can engage an adult in "yes it is, no it isn't" he has a kind of connection with you, as well as the power to impact how you feel. I don't want to imply that it's on purpose, or conscious, but it's probably pretty reinforcing.

Anytime he's just snotty when responding you can ignore, use humor, or agree (if he's right...why not...can't argue with someone who agrees you are right,)

If he's actually overtly disrespectul by shouting orders at you or using language, then, very gently and without anger you might try saying "kiddo, I don't let people talk to me that way" and moving away. At first it might exacerbate his behavior as he tries to engage with you in the way he's been most comfortable. You might choose to do something to connect with him in a positive way like go throw a football for 15 minutes, then when you have connected positively with him and everyone's relaxed you can say something like "I think you were trying to tell me something, but it was in a way that wasn't okay with me. I'd like to hear it" A lot of what's behind kids arguing is that they lack the abilty to do it "right," they are impulsive, they feel emotion intensely and haven't learned how to channel it, and it's a way to connect...not a positive way, but a way. Replacing negative connecting with positive connecting can help, and can allow you to teach your son how to manage his reactions.

Kirk Martin, his company is Celebrate Calm, has wonderful ideas for working with disrespectful kids. His cds are pricey, but he has a terrific email newsletter. I'm always happy when I see it in my inbox. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book on Kids, Parents and Power Struggles is great too.

the best to you,

Susan
Oh my .... I don't have any advice .... I just wanted to sat that reading your post made me do a double-take. I could swear you must have been eavesdropping at my house and talking about my 9 yr old daughter.
We have the most luck with the approach the Susan talks about. Just recently, I have told my husband privately, "just let him win if its an argument we don't care about." We had a total double meltdawn at dinner (DS ANS DH) because DS said the UNLV rebels only wore their black uniforms 2 times in the last season and DH said that it was actually 1.
Suzeb1 said...
I've worked with lots of pre teens and teens, and part of what I've seen help is breaking the dynamic that has been going on. So, with your example, what might have happened if when he said "it's 6:28" you would have smiled, given him a grin and said "so it is, my detail oriented son!" and then just gone about whatever it was you were doing. Kids can't argue if there's no one who will argue back. They will try, and they won't give up quickly, but arguing always has at least two players. Trust me, I say that and believe it, and, yes, I still find myself at times arguing with my 14 year old niece...how do I get sucked in? Smile

Right now, it sounds like your son has a lot of power just by being argumentative. Every time he can engage an adult in "yes it is, no it isn't" he has a kind of connection with you, as well as the power to impact how you feel. I don't want to imply that it's on purpose, or conscious, but it's probably pretty reinforcing.

Anytime he's just snotty when responding you can ignore, use humor, or agree (if he's right...why not...can't argue with someone who agrees you are right,)

If he's actually overtly disrespectul by shouting orders at you or using language, then, very gently and without anger you might try saying "kiddo, I don't let people talk to me that way" and moving away. At first it might exacerbate his behavior as he tries to engage with you in the way he's been most comfortable. You might choose to do something to connect with him in a positive way like go throw a football for 15 minutes, then when you have connected positively with him and everyone's relaxed you can say something like "I think you were trying to tell me something, but it was in a way that wasn't okay with me. I'd like to hear it" A lot of what's behind kids arguing is that they lack the abilty to do it "right," they are impulsive, they feel emotion intensely and haven't learned how to channel it, and it's a way to connect...not a positive way, but a way. Replacing negative connecting with positive connecting can help, and can allow you to teach your son how to manage his reactions.

Kirk Martin, his company is Celebrate Calm, has wonderful ideas for working with disrespectful kids. His cds are pricey, but he has a terrific email newsletter. I'm always happy when I see it in my inbox. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book on Kids, Parents and Power Struggles is great too.

the best to you,

Susan


Very good advice, Thank you. I have to admit, i have a hard time being the bigger person and walking away from an argument. I know i *should* but i just cant seem to do it more than once. He usually keeps on and then i get more upset. I know I need to not engage him, but its really hard not too. We do "fight" about stupid things. a simple task ends up with me yelling to just do what i told you to do.
Gosh i sound more and more like my mother everyday!!!

Nevada Jen- THis sounds like my house. The other day my DH went off about a cheese wrapper laying on the ground. In his defense we have SERIOUS problems with C leaving wrappers of all sorts laying around the house. Hasnt ever gotten better since he was like 3. But seriously, its a cheese wrapper, I know he should be responsible enough to throw it away after he eats it, but do we really need to have a lecture about how C always leaves the wrappers out, he never throws them away, etc etc and then 10 minutes later everyone is upset and we are no further ahead than when we started out with a cheese wrapper on the ground. Things escalate so quickly. We really need to work on our nagging also. I guess we ALL need some work!! Rach
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