An Open Letter to My Son

I'm sorry this pullback is lasting so long. I hope that things open up soon for you. I'm sure he knows how much you love him and that you're always there for him.

Thank you, Heidi... Yeah, this pullback seems different from the other ones. I mean we've been in reunion for going on 21 years now---you'd think I'd be used to this pullback crap. But it always hurts; it always sends me reeling backwards in time. I think he's scared...and angry...and confused. The babies of the Baby Scoop Era---how much they lost. And how much I lost....along with every other mother of the BSE, the ones who never forgot, the ones who pray for their children every single day of their lives, the ones for whom the shame will never go away. I was never for one instant ashamed of my son. I was only ashamed of myself for caving in. I was a student revolutionary....why couldn't I have been stronger for my own child? Why, God, why did I believe all the myths...why did I believe all the adults?

I think you're right, Raven. It sounds like he's scared. I know that doesn't help how it makes you feel. After all this time, you'd think you'd have some stability in your relationship, but it doesn't seem to work that way, huh? (at least in our reunions). Just take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up about this... you've done all you can to keep the communication open. Soprano

(((((Oh Raven)))) You know, it could also be that he is sort of going through a midlife crisis (isn't he in late 30s?) on top of everything else.

Soprano, thank you for your kind words and support---it means a lot to me. This latest rift just took me by surprise...I didn't see it coming. I remember when I first reunited with my son, how the postadoptions caseworker told me that we forging new ground in new territory, that we were pioneers of a sort. There weren't any rulebooks 21 years ago on the subject of reunifying children of the BSE with their mothers. Everything I learned about reunion in those years was learned "by the seat of my pants". We learned by doing, I guess... Pullback, a term I don't really like, is such a mind-boggler, no matter if the pullback is done on the part of the adoptee or or on the part of the bmom. It just is a painful thing whenever it rears its head...for whatever reason. The one thing I know is that he'll be back. He always comes home to me, eventually. Watching him struggle is so painful; seeing his pain hurts...because I want to just take it away from him, and I don't know how to do that.

Cath, I think you're onto something with the midlife crisis possibility. He's turning 39 in a few weeks, which may be hitting him as a milestone of sorts. In one more year, he'll turn 40. Come to think of it, I recall having a really difficult time with turning 40 myself, much harder than what I went through at 50.

I wonder sometimes, too, about this term 'pullback.' Could some of this be just the natural ebb and flow that is inherent in any relationship? Plus being a guy?? Plus having his own life to live??? And IIRC, he also struggles with some mental health issues? If that is the case, there will be more ups and downs related to how he is feeling emotionally and at times he probably has a need to just be alone.

Peachy, I've often said throughout the years that "pullback" is just the natural ebb and flow that happens in all long-term relationships. In fact, I often compare reunion to the ocean's tides. Lol, of course I was a surfer girl in my youth, so that may have something to do with how I view life. You bring up an interesting aspect: the mental health issues. His meds keep his bipolar in check most of the time, so I don't really think about it much...but there's a good chance that his meds are out of whack. It's hard to know exactly what's going on with him.

Raven,Pullbacks, or cutoffs as I call them, are more difficult because they often happen without provication, cause, or reason given. All you can do is keep the lines open from your end, prompt for communication at regular intervals, and then focus on something else... like yourself. You've done great with him!Soprano

I sure hope I don't run into any kind of pullback with my bio parents. Sounds painful :s

(((((Raven))))) I wish I knew the answers for both of us, but I don't. All I know is, it really really sucks. And I'm with ya on the, "why did I listen to the adults?" It's not like I listened to them on anything else, why on that? <sigh> One day at a time, my friend.