When You Discover Your Child Was Abused...

Of course you are not to blame. Not going to cover ground that others did so well here. :) You will never KNOW what the therapist is telling/saying to your son unless you go to therapy with him. Understandably DS is upset, angry, confused, needing someone to pin blame to...but, that does not mean his therapist is TELLING him to do that. A good therapist listens. Listens to the frustrations, rage, and yes, misguided ramblings. A good therapist will ask DS questions that get him (DS) to really think about what he is thinking and saying. Of course, I don't know that the therapist is 100% unethical, but when dealing with someone as conflicted and emotional as your DS, you need to take what he's saying with a grain of salt. Just like you may feel guilt for what has happened, which is a natural human response (because we all feel that choices we have made are the catalyst for things that happen in the future), he probably feels deeply conflicted about being placed. A reasonable person would completely understand the position you were in. A frightened 16 year old? Who could NOT have compassion and empathy for that girl? DS probably knows you had but one choice, but his mental anguish is trumping that knowledge. His parents obviously did a great deal of damage to him. Damage, in HIS mind, that could only have come from being placed with them. He's very naturally going back to the source. No, I am NOT saying you picked this terrible couple, just that DS' brain is leading him to all the places where that abuse COULD have been stopped. It's heartbreaking that this all occurred. It's heartbreaking to hear your anguish. The system failed both you and DS. Hopefully he will work his way 'round to where the blame deserves to reside: at the feet of his parents. You shouldn't be his whipping post. There really is no room in our short lives for coulda/woulda/shoulda. Reality is life keeps moving, and you adjust and move on, or get stuck in the past relieving the horrors. Even if good choices lead TO horrors. In a very sick way he is playing out what happened to his parents, and what they did to him, on you. It's very likely his parents were abused as well (doesn't make it right!!!!). They made poor choices. Your son now needs to work it out: will he live in the past and continue to hurt those around him, or will he move forward. Is there a possibility you could go to therapy and sit in on one of his sessions?

It sounds as if it is a very rough time for both of you. I doubt there is anything any of us could say that you haven't already figured out in your heart. Yet you are here, hurting, and so we need to say yes, "I would feel hurt by that, too, and maybe angry" because many of us would. We're all sorry you are having such a hard time and feeling hurt by someone who you would want so much to find joy in and hope that he finds joy in you. I think snoopy and jcm are on the money; it is as much a process for him as it is for you. I also doubt that his parents are getting "off scott-free" although I can see how it might feel that way. This young man must have a tremendous amount of anger. I'm sure it has and will ooze out and over a lot of area before he's done. That it is on you right now may be transference or it may reflect real feelings he has about his placement that he needs to work through. The first step in working through his feelings would be to acknowledge them and give them voice. As long as the process doesn't get stalled there, it is probably a healthy thing. Knowing your situation intellectually and reconciling that knowledge to his feelings are two very different things that will probably take some time if he hasn't addressed it adequately in the past two decades of reunion. It may even be complicated by that history now. I don't think you can know anything or should even guess about what is or isn't happening in his therapy based on his behavior or speech outside that room. That is his safe space to work out his feelings and be right or wrong in and not answer to the outside. I don't think you should invade that space either with him or in your own mind. How he comes to his thoughts and feelings is beside the point. Besides, it is not his therapist's job to set him straight on any facts or history--which he/she would only have from his perspective, anyway--or to tell him what to think or to feel. It is his or her job to help him explore his own thoughts and feelings and guide him through the steps of processing them. It is an entirely intrapersonal activity, not interpersonal. Just from what you've said, his life story sounds very complicated, much more complicated than just "he was placed, he was crazy-making abused, he had issues because of the abuse." People spend lifetimes riding through the untangling of who they are and how they came to be. He is 20-plus years out in reunion and still in therapy; there must be a lot yet unresolved. Life is short, one hopes that people in pain are able to simultaneously build healthy and forward-looking lives on what they find in any given moment or as many moments as they can. But that isn't always true. I see no gain in arguing with him, it would just polarize the situation more. He knows the facts, he will either come around to them on his own or he won't. Trying to make him would more likely build resistance and delay that process. Do you see his pain? Then say so. Do you feel regret for how things turned out? Then say so. Do you wish things had been different? Then say so. In listening actively to him, echoing and validating his feelings, say everything that is true for you. He probably doesn't need to hear you say, "it's all my fault." He may just need to hear you regret your part in it as a key actor, however powerless or unwilling, in the drama of his life. I believe this is a rough patch. I believe in you and your love for him. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be. You have my prayers and wishes for time, time to feel, time to heal, time to let the joy of reunion bloom again--because that is how I see reunion in dd3's life, seasons of bloom and winter, but each bloom season comes back bigger and brighter. I truly wish the same for you.

Oh Raven, Have you actually talked to him recently or is he still in pullback mode? I remember being made as hell at M for awhile then I removed my cranium from my you know where and moved on. Hang in there Mom, we'll talk later

Every single one of you has such good advise about what's going on---I thank you all for supporting me while I vent and feel sorry for myself. The more I think about it from a therapist's point of view, the more I think that my son's therapist isn't the one who is actually saying that the abuse is my fault. I think, more than likely, that my son is finally facing his demons from childhood...for the first time actually. I think he's processing a lot of stuff, a lot of complicated history...and I think that his anger is probably a good thing at this point in time. This is the first time he's ever explored the issue of his abuse, as well as his adoption and subsequent reunion, within a therapeutic environment. I also know that it's safer for him to be angry with me in a way. He's always been much more honest with me about his emotions and inner thoughts than he's been with his parents. I don't know why I'm so surprised---I've seen the fury buried deep inside him since he was a teenager...and I've always known that some of that anger was at being separated from me at birth. He does know the basic circumstances and logical reasons behind his relinquishment, but that doesn't help with his actual feelings of abandonment. For what it's worth, I have always tried to validate him, and I've owned up to my own part in his life's drama. He knows I regret the outcome of my decision, just as he knows that I'm always here for him. God, it just hurts so much to see my son exploring and processing his own pain...and knowing there's not a whole heck of a lot I can do to make it better...or easier, for that matter.

I hope that your son's blaming you for his abuse is just a phase of his grieving process. Maybe this new therapist is pushing him to explore things he has never thought about before. Maybe his initial reaction is to blame you for putting him in that position in the first place. I hope he is able to work through whatever he is going through right now. (((hugs)))

I'm on board with everyone here. His abuse isn't your fault. And - if - the therapist is encouraging it, that's no good. However, I think you are right about there being a lot of other issues he's dealing with and its just all coming at you right now. I wanted to address his (possible) mindset right now, though - because I've been there. Big time. For years and years I blamed myself for abuse inflicted on me as a child. Until a therapist helped me realize it wasn't my fault. However, before I got to the head space of blaming ONLY the actual perpetrators of the abuse I took a detour through 'Its-Everybody's-Fault!' land. It was my father's fault for not making me come live with him. My Mom's friend's fault for introducing her to her second husband. My friends' fault for not noticing the warning signs. My step-sister's fault for being related to my step-dad and step-brother. Extended family member's fault for not stepping in. God's fault for creating monsters in people-form. It can feel like a rush to release all the anger you've been holding inside and punishing yourself with - onto other people. Like the insecure child who bullies others. Doesn't make it right though. And doesn't mean the behavior and actions are true or valid. I also spent a lot of time going over what-ifs when I was in recovery. What if they never met? Or married? What if I was braver? Or my mom was? Or if my birth mom and birth dad never divorced in the first place? And if I had been an adoptee, I'm sure my mind would have gone to - What if my birth mother hadn't relinquished? And then the anger/blaming would be quick to follow. Again, it doesn't make it right. And it doesn't mean the behavior and actions are true or valid. It's just the nasty scab-y part of the healing process. The one thing I'm grateful for is my family who put up with me. They saw that under all the awfulness I was sad. And hurt. And angry. And sad. And they put up with me. And they waited - not as punching bags, but with open arms for when I was ready to be loved again. Good luck - I hope he gets through this part of his recovery as soon as possible, for both of your sanity! Thinking positive thoughts for you and your son. GF

My guess would that the adoptive parents are paying for the shrink and he doesn't want to bite the hand thats paying him. Besides, when they do something brilliant they're their children. When they have issues it's because they're our children.

I am a 51 year old adoptee, I have always lurked here and just registered today, in tears after reading your post. My birthmother gave me up and intellectully I know she did the right thing. She did what she had to do. I also just found out that I ended up in foster care for two months because she almost changed her mind. I appreciate and honestly feel for her. But...I did end up in a abusive family, and although I know it is not her fault on any level, at times I am enraged at her. She gave me up, she could'nt make up her mind and I was at the hands of strangers for 2 months. My family and many others abused me on every level; at time is feels like my future, my everything has been dictated by the actions of 1 person. Yet on another level I understand her reasons, her position. Yet then again she had choices, they had choices, everyone had choices but me. Then again that is also not entirely accurate, my choice is how I deal with myself, how I chose to grow and the type of person I can be. Unfortunately most of my younger years haven't been as healthy as now, but **** happens and you have to deal. There is always the emotional side and the intellectual side they very rarely coincide. Neither is right or wrong but they are the truth. I have to accept my path and right or wrong my birth parents have to accept their part in my path as do my abusers, it is about accepting, dealing with and moving forward. I wrote this to try to explain to you what your son may be feeling, I also wrote it for me, I can't believe the pain and anger and regret I felt writing this, but I am not trying to hurt you and hope you understand what I wrote. Everyone one made choices and I, and other like myself have to move thru those choices and hopefully we will grow and become as health emotionally and happy as all our parents would want us to be. Take care and many hugs to you. I apologize for any spelling errors.

(((((CopingNow))))) Thank you so much for giving me some things to think about in regards to my son's abuse as a child and his anger now. When all is said and done, I do know that the choice I made almost 40 years ago put my baby in harm's way. I didn't mean for that to happen, and I hate the fact that I was unable to find a way to raise him myself. He belonged with me...it's that simple. Surrendering my son to adoption very nearly killed me several years later. It's a miracle that I even survived a very serious suicide attempt at age 21. I always knew that the pain and grief that wracked every fiber of my being was of my own doing, even though I had bought into all the crap about giving my baby a better life through adoption. I was physically and emotionally abused for many years as a child, so I do understand the rage that goes along with it in adulthood. And I do understand that my son holds me accountable for the abuse he received at the hands of his adoptive parents because I'm the one who signed those relinquishment papers. I just hope and pray that he can get past the rage and anger...because it hurts my heart to see him in so much pain. I'm so very sorry that you were abused by the people who were supposed to protect you and keep you safe. I know it's a double whammy to be an adoptee who's been abused as a little kid. I've heard many adoptees over the years sharing their experiences and thoughts on this subject. And it takes all of my inner strength not to go ballistic when I hear their stories. I hope you do continue posting on these boards. Several of our long-time members who are active here are in your age group, and I think you'll probably enjoy getting to know them. Thank you for your courage in speaking up on my thread. :loveyou:

First of all I am sorry to hear this happening to you. I harbour anger but not toward my natural/birth parents. They would have only been responsible had they known and did nothing to intervene. I was adopted and placed in a home with my adopted mother and father. Everything looked hunky dory but they split up when I was four after years of fighting. They fought constantly about the thermostat, my father's shirts not being ironed properly you name it. Who knew? Then my mother left my hometown and moved in with a series of men. Some of whom abused me. I stayed sane because I knew I was adopted. I knew there were people out there who were mine. I went through therapy....at no time did I blame my birth parents. They were my hope in the dark days. I am not too sure about this therapist. Who's paying for this person? The adopted parents I bet so this person may have an agenda or be twisted in some way. I have my anger now but it's related to my disappointment with my natural/birth mother's inability to relate with me in the here an now. It's more hurt really than anger and my hurt does not stem from what she did when she gave me up. I know that in her mind she thought she was doing what was best given the circumstances. If anything I am angered at society's sense of what is right and wrong. I am angered that some people still feel it's a girl's problem she became pregnant. The religious right drives me nuts. It takes two to tango and if there weren't all of the focus on "appearances" maybe people wouldn't feel forced to give up their child. You had no control over those people and if you can validate to your son that you would have done anything to protect him had you known; I don't believe there is any thing more you can do. I hope to God he finds his way out of this and that you find some comfort in the situation.

I am not an adoptee but was abused. My sister let loose on me when we were in our 40s. She blamed me for not protecting her. I understood her and it didn't hurt me but I also didn't take responsibility for it. I was a child, too, only a year older than her, just trying to survive it all. I can't judge myself for where I was then based on what I know now. Neither can you. I went through the blame. I blamed the abusers, I blamed my mother for not protecting me, I blamed myself, I blamed the police, the social worker, the people that knew and did nothing, the people that teased me because I was different. It's good that he's doing that. Working through all the blame is what took me to where I understood EVERYONE involved did the best they knew how with what they knew at the time. Even the people that abused me. There is a grieving for what you THINK you lost as a child. Then it's empowering. There was no loss, no more anger, no more blame, no more guilt, just me at this moment, in charge of my own life and my interpretation of my life, doing the best that I know how to do at this moment with what I know right now. I make mistakes. I dwell in them a bit then learn from them and move on. I don't regret that I was abused. I don't judge that I was abused. It happened. Stuff happens. Life happens. It's how we interpret it that defines our life and who we are right now. You are not in any way to blame for his abuse. You made your choice based on what you knew and what your circumstances were at the time. At THAT time, you made the best decision you could. You COULDN'T have made a different decision because you didn't know anything different. If on the menu of choices you had as a sixteen year old girl, you were told that your child would be abused, you would have known something different than you did and would likely have made a different choice. It wasn't on the menu and you didn't have that information. If you knew the loss you would feel, you may have made a different choice. How could you know that? If you knew the loss your child may feel, you may have made a different choice. How could you know that? There was no way for you to know any of this and you did the best you knew how at the time and, to tell you the truth, it was a courageous decision based on what you knew at that time as a sixteen year old girl. Forgive yourself and it will be so much easier for you to allow your son the time he needs to blame you. Hugs to you.

I have two sisters that are recovering alcoholics. Both of them drank New Years weekend and both had said and done things during their drunk that had both of their significant others wanting to throw them out. They live a state away from each other and didn't know each other had done it. B called me first and told me what happened and everything out of her mouth came from such a self loathing. A called me and told me what happened and the self loathing I heard from her was almost like a script from what I heard from B. I wouldn't normally share what one tells me to another but I was listening to A and told her that B had done the same thing. I asked A, if B called you and told you what she had done, would you tell her what a loser she was and what a horrible person she was. A said she wouldn't and I asked, why do you deserve that more than B does? I called B and told her the same thing. B called A and told her she isn't a horrible person and that she loves her. I don't want to minimize in anyway your experience and pain as a Bmom or relate what you do to what someone does on a drinking binge. I just hope you will give yourself the benefit of the doubt and tell yourself the same thing you would tell another Bmom. You deserve it as much as another Bmom does.

I agree with wanttodoright; blame gets us stuck. It's a maze and your son might be thrashing around in feelings that make no sense. The fact that he has found you and you are there might be the reason he feels safe enough to blame you. It's bizarre, we take it out on those we love sometimes pushing them away rather than risk the chance of being abandoned. He might be testing you. To see if you will turn away from him. Just being there to reach out and reassure him that you will be there might be enough. Some people never deal with the emotions and I certainly recommend getting some help if you are triggered and something rises it's head from the quagmire. I had a panic attack around 18 when I was clear of having to protect myself. It's a journey but it's worth the effort. You sound like someone who is aware and in touch with your feelings and that will go along way. Set boundaries around what you will accept and what you can deal with. Good Luck.When I was first dealing with the issues I thought people could actual see how damaged I was. It was bizarre. I thought I was ugly and people could literally see all of the crap I was dealing with. I got to the point where it was hard to even go outside. After all of that I found my birth parents so when I talked to my father there was no way I was going to deny all of the work I had done. Better to be rejected right off the hop. I don't know if he told my birth mother. It's hard to say. They spend so much time protecting each other it's nuts. But I can understand it. They married each other and tried to make a life but my father drank and I often wonder if he did so because of his guilt. I have never asked him.

To the recent posters, I thank you for your insight and advice. This is an old thread, and I just realized that I never did a final update on it.My son and I reconciled several months ago, and it turned out that I was overthinking the whole situation. I just read too much into his behavior, and I jumped the gun. I never used to get freaked out by much of anything having to do with our relationship until I became a member of these forums and started reading all the horror stories. The big lesson in all of this for me is not to automatically extrapolate something he says or how he acts with the things I read on these boards from adoptees or birth parents who are struggling with reunions or lack of reunions.My son and I seem to have reached a new and more mature understanding of who we are and where we both fit into the grand scheme of things. He will be turning 40 in a couple months, and we've been in reunion face-to-face for almost 22 years now, ever since his 18th birthday. (By the way, my son never had to search for me, nor I him. His father and I both filed waivers of confidentiality with the State of California when he was 11 years old, so he would know where we both were. I was allowed to start sending him letters, gifts and photos by the time he was 14, and on his 18th birthday we were both given each other's full names, addresses and phone numbers. We met each other face to face several weeks later, and then I moved back to my hometown so we could build a strong foundation for our relationship.)Anyway, things are going great between us...and we talk to each other on a regular basis and will be visiting each other in a couple weeks. Sometimes small bumps in the road happen on this journey we call life, and this was just one of those bumps.Thanks once again. I truly appreciate all the insight and wisdom you've all given me.

Yes... and that is exactly what you tell him. The majority of adoptees are not treated that way..He just got a lemon. Tell him exactly what you said in your last sentence of your post ..then hug him...and tell that boy how much you loved him and love him....and give him a big hug. Do something extra special for him.