I found Paganism in my search for myself

I'm sorry you had such a hard time of it. I'm an ex-Catholic, Pagan myself. I never really thought of the violence in my home being a factor. For me, feeling connected to the rest of the universe, being responsible to take care - not because of guilt or going to hell, but because we are all one, if what drives me.

I'm so sorry you went through that. Wow!! I was supposed to be Catholic; mom was Catholic but dealt with racism in Catholic school.

That is how I came into it.

((((hugs))))I was not adopted, but I know your pain for the rest of what you say. I was the first born, a girl, the only girl, for many years the only child. In my teens, my brothers were born and doctors said my mother suffered a psychotic breakdown. She was in the hospital for a while and I raised my baby brothers in the beginning. Than my mother came home and she had "found God".My parents were always religious and really strict...for example at age 9 I had to read the Bible cover to cover, like a novel and than write a book report on it. (I was home schooled and this was a homework assignment my mom had given me.) It took me 3 months to read the Bible, ever word of it. And when I finished, I was told I had to do it again. By the time I was a teenager I had read the Bible cover to cover 31 times!At age 11 my mother had me diagram 100 Bible verses a day, 5 days a week as my Language Arts and Grammar lessons. History classes were Bible History and History of Isreal, not American History.So, she was already boarderline "religion crazy" before the breakdown. But after she came home from the hospital, she had found God, and now God himself was "talking" to her and telling her all sorts of things, such as: "Female children are all of Satan - only male children have value". I spent several years locked in a shed (from aged 14 up until I was 27 years old). The shed had a dirt floor, no insulation, a leaking roof, and the windows boarded up. I was feed rotten leftovers IF my mother remembered to feed me at all - I didn't always get to eat every day. She stopped using my name and called me "The Child of Satan". The only time I was let out was about every 3 or 4 days when a High Priest would come to visit, I was sent off to her bedroom alone with him, so he could perform exorcisms to cast out my demons. The real reason he was there and why he "required" to be alone with me was to force me to have sex with him. I had a misscarriage when I was 16 as a result of these "exorcism sessions" which were nothing more than him carrying out his BDSM fantasies of having sex with teenaged girls. When I told my mother what he was doing, she said I was lying and locked me back in the shed.The priest was a Mormon and so in addition to reading the Bible cover to cover, she had me read the Book of Mormon cover to cover too. My mother never beat me, but she did burn anything I wrote or drew, and she was always smashing dishes, throwing bricks (why did we have bricks in the house????) and running around waving a big knife in the air, threatening to kill me with it if I didn't start reading my Bible. It was really scary and many nights I did not dare sleep for fear she'd find me not reading the Bible and kill me in my sleep.In both the Bible and the Book of Mormon, the only parts I liked and actually believed were the "words in red" the words Jesus himself said - everything else I thought was hooey. Jesus said to love and help others - he spoke kindness and forgiveness, but the rest of the Bible was full of blood and war and hate and cruelty and eye for an eye vengeance. I liked Jesus words and hated the rest.My grandmother had been a witch. (my dad's mom) She died when I was 8, but before she died she had taught me witchcraft and had given me her great-great-great grandmother's Bible, an ancient book from the 1500's which doubled as the family grimoire and had loads of notes written by 400 years of witch ancestors written between the verses. Because it was a Bible my mother let me keep it, she never looked inside to see what was written in it. Many years of reading the Bible, I also learned the roots of my family's witchcraft history as it was all written down in this Bible. I ended up forming a "spiritual bond" to my witch ancestors and hen I finally escaped from my mother years later, I went on to become an ordained minister, high priestess, and founder of a Christo-Pagan coven. I've never known Wicca, I hear about it, and all, but never looked into it or studied it. The stuff I know I know from my grandmother, and she was a Scottish Traveller Gypsy Witch. I took the stuff I learned from her and added Jesus' words to it, and that's why I am Christo-Pagan instead of just plain Pagan.That was over 20 years ago. Today we now know that my mom has schizophrenia and when medicated is normal again, but off her medication, she still goes crazy wild and violent. Even today I am terrified to be alone with her and scared to be near her even when others are with me. I try to be friends with her and if she's on medication we get along fine, but I'm still very "gun shy" around her even when she's on her meds. It's a hard thing to shake, fear of the kind of abuse she did. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

Ex-Christian (Protestant) and Pagan adoptee, here. I wondered if I would find others in a similar boat in the "faith-based" section of this forum.I "came home" for reasons somewhat similar to wcurry66. I didn't directly leave Christianity for Paganism, either. The guilt and fear of going to hell bit, though... those were difficult things to deal with as I left Christianity.

I'm an adoptive parent and while I was lucky enough to grow up with an earth-based spirituality in my family, my niece was raised by her extreme fundamentalist step-father, who physically abused her, called her "of the devil" and was very unhealthy in many of his habits. She had court-mandated visits with my brother and our family or else she would have had no escape. She graduated from high school two years ago and fled across two continents and an ocean to live with me. Every day it seems like I learn something new about what she went through and am shocked and saddened again. I was a teenager when she was young and it is not that my brother didn't fight for her every step of the way, but I am ashamed that we couldn't stop what happened to her. In any event, as sad as these stories are, I know that it has nothing to do with real Christianity, which is a loving spirituality with many people I know. I also shudder when I hear some new trends among Pagans to designate certain children as "more evolved" than others. I guess everyone has to guard against the impulse to think one is inherently superior to someone else.

I am very sorry to hear about what your niece experienced. Sadly, I've heard of some similar cases. Is she getting support for the religious, emotional and physical abuse she endured in some way? There are some resources in books and websites if she is interested. Most people don't know about (and sometimes deny) religious abuse so it can be harder to find resources for that than for other types of abuse. I've been pagan for 20+ years and have not heard of this within any of the Pagan communities I've been involved with. I have heard of something called "indigo children" but that's a New Age thing and I don't know a whole lot about it. Sometimes New Age stuff and Paganism overlap, so I guess there might be some of that in some circles. I agree that thinking some are superior or "more evolved" or any other similar BS is a problem.P.S. my "new message" notifications don't seem to be working for this site much of the time. I don't know what the problem is.

I think my niece is reasonably okay now but I may not know because she is the kind to keep a lot of emotional things to herself. I could probably hand her that sort of resource at this point without it seeming intrusive. What would you recommend? Yes, I was talking about the whole Indigo children, Crystal children, Rainbow children thing. I didn't know it wasn't specifically Pagan. It was mentioned a few times on my favorite (:grr: ) Pagan FB group yesterday, so I looked it up and took the incredibly naive "test". Of course, I and everyone else with a brain would test out as an Indigo person, but the hype is all about how that makes "us" the more evolved humans, the people with the greater insight and superior spirituality. Obviously a cheap ploy to make members of a group feel superior to others and glad to be in their group, thus binding them with false loyalty. It made me sick to my stomach. I live in a country where my adopted children are the "wrong" ethnicity and people on TV call them Netherlands and "less evolved". I also know enough about human history. My point is simply that it is a good reminder to ME not to be think that I have found THE path. Every path is as vulnerable to abuse as the next. I too need the reminder now and then because I really love our community and feel that I have really found something that makes sense to me.

There are a whole range of books out there, some of them address very specific religious groups, so doing a search for the group in question may turn some things up. Personally, I am more concerned with the psychological and spiritual manipulations and abusive ideas that can be found in some groups. Others are more concerned with whether particular beliefs are "heretical" or not. To me, heresy is pretty much in the eye of the beholder, so I stick to the effect of the group behavior and doctrines on the psyche of the individual... i.e. is it fearmongering and/or guilt-inducing, does it make doctrine more important than people, does it promote black-and-white thinking, etc. For Christian fundamentalism in general, I recommend Marlene Winnell's Leaving The Fold. I wish I'd had that book when I was deconverting. There is a different book by the same title (edited by Edward Babinski) which contains testimonies of former fundamentalists... if she likes reading more personal accounts or wants to know she's not alone then that might be helpful. If she is still Christian but doesn't want to be a fundamentalist there are lots of very good more liberal resources and materials out there. Growing Up Holy and Wholly: Understanding and Hope for Adult Children of Evangelicals by Donald Sloat is a great one. When God Becomes a Drug by Father Leo Booth might be helpful if her father fits the profile of a religious addict and/or if she has had those tendencies in the past herself. Rescuing the Bible From Fundamentalism by John Spong might also be helpful in providing an alternate perspective. Also, probably just about anything by Anthony de Mello, who is one of my favorite authors in this category. If she does not want to be a Christian at all, then I guess the question is whether she is bothered by some aspects of the ideology, or has lingering fears or guilt, or anything of that sort. Some people just decide that it's bunk and don't have any problems after that except for handling questions from people who still believe. Others flip-flop or agonize for a long time. If she is having the kind of lingering trouble described in Marlene Winnell's book and/or wants to talk to others who have left, there are online support groups available, as well as books addressing specific topics such as de-bunking the myths, putting Biblical ideas and writings into their historical context, looking more closely at religious philosophy, etc. I've spent a lot of time with this sort of thing over the years, myself. I never got the impression it was, myself, but like I said, there is a lot of crossover. The idea of humanity "evolving" or "ascending" to some "higher plane" or whatever much more closely fits New Age ideology rather than Pagan ideology, from what I have seen. Well, I think you're right about what that kind of manipulation is trying to do in making people feel special and superior. By chance did you say anything about this to the group? I wouldn't be surprised if some others felt the same way you do, but sometimes people feel isolated because nobody questions openly. :( Oh, man, that's horrible.I agree with you that abuse can happen in any context. That's why I'm concerned about manipulation as opposed to so-called "heresy" in religious groups. Trust your instincts. There is something good in your group or else you wouldn't feel drawn to it. It's possible to clarify what it is you like vs. what's problematic and then talk to others about it.

Thanks for the suggestions. I really don't know if she considers herself a Christian or not. I haven't wanted to ask her outright, because I don't want to be perceived as pressuring in any way. I've done Pagan rituals with people who are liberal Christians before and I've participated in their rituals, so I don't see anything wrong with involving her if she still wants to be a Christian. I have told her about positive experiences I have had with Christians and people I have known who take Christianity in a loving and spiritual way. I have also talked to her about the history of Christianity. I went to a Catholic school in Germany for a year in high school and had to pretend to be Protestant to avoid being kicked out and sent to a special school for disabled children (as at the time, I couldn't attend public schools in Germany due to my vision impairment). The school only accepted strict Catholics and Protestants. But in the process, I learned a lot about the history of Christianity, as I had to go to religion classes. I'm glad of it now, because she was brought up to think that her church is the only "Christians" in the world. She seriously didn't know that Catholics are Christians, when she came to me at 18. So, we've had a lot of discussions, explaining why the churches developed as they did and what different people have done with Christian ideas, some healthy things and some not so healthy. I think all this and having the chance to try other things out in a supportive and non-pressuring environment has really helped her, but I am not a professional at this.

P.S. I didn't say anything on the subject on my FB group when it came up. I am relatively new there and it was a fairly minor mention and I didn't know anything about it until I researched it. I think I will say something if the issue comes up again. It may simply be New Age/Pagan overlap, as you say.

I can understand that, and that might be for the best. Many people figure out what they need if they're given the space to do so and a compassionate ear when they want to talk. I've done the same and think that kind of openness is good on all sides. I have known some people to get upset about Pagans and Christians sharing services together but they are not the kind of people who will join in. I think learning history is helpful. The elitist idea that they are "the only 'Christians' in the world" is a red flag that the group might be abusively authoritarian, though. FWIW, another book that comes to mind is Churches That Abuse by Ron Enroth. There is a synopsis [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Churches_That_Abuse"]here[/URL]. Neither am I, I've just seen a lot personally and done a lot of reading. My guess is that being there for her and being a sounding board when she wants to talk is probably really helpful.

I was just curious about that, mostly because I suspect others who read it probably felt the same as you did. It's normal for ideas to get passed around but not all of them stick. A mention might not really mean much more than that someone in the group ran across it.