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We adopted my son at birth - took him home from the hospital. Although he tested clear for drugs/alcohol at the hospital, we do believe his BM drank during her pregnancy (her car was filled with liquor bottles).
He was a colicy baby & has always been an extreemly difficult child to raise (starting at 18 months when the tantrums begin, like any other child, but his have always been worse).
He's been in different therapies & sees a developmental ped & a behavioral therapist currently. They have diagnosed him ADHD & Anxiety.
He can be a great, sweet child, whom I enjoy raising. That will last from a few days to a few months. And then he becomes seemingly possesed by a demon. I actually took him to a nutritionist a few weeks ago and, after seeing how he behaved, the doctor "jokingly" pretended to cast a demon out of him.
When he's in one of his "possesed" phases (which can last anywhere from 1 week to a few months... right now we're at about 4 weeks of hell) it's an absolutle nightmare to be in this house. Everything we ask him to do (or tell him to stop doing) turns into WWIII. Bedtimes are always the worst, and turn into a 2-3 hour attempt to break his door in half, destroy anything left in his room (all of his toys have been taken out), bang on the window, kick the walls, scream at the top of his lungs, tell us he's moving out, etc. There is NOTHING you can do (short of giving him his way, which we don't do) to calm him down.
We've tried everything you can think of dicipline wise, and nothing works. My last attempt was to not just take toys away, but THROW them away. After threatening to do that, he took his toy & threw it in the trash. And gave me the "take that" look. His attitude is HORRIBLE. He behaves fine & school & for others (my parents, etc) but not at home, or in public with my husband & I.
I have tried all of the diet changes, none of which have given us any relief. The behavior therpist doesn't get how awful it is b/c he, or course, is decent when he's there.
I am completely at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. I know there's something deeper & more severe than ADHD and Anxiety going on (my guesses are either ODD or Bipolar) but of course getting a physican to see those things when they don't live with us is a joke. We did videotape him during a "tantrum" the other day & will be showing it at our appt next week. I can't talk to friends or family about this b/c they either don't understand how awful it is and say "oh yah, my kid does that too" or they think it's somehow a parenting issue (which, trust me, I carry enough guilt that this is somehow my fault). I am absolutley miserable in my own house & although I love him, sometimes I don't like him one bit & wish he was out of this house. No one can understand that feeling unless they have a child like this, and I know no one like that.... which is why I'm here. I'm desprite for support & advice from others who know what I'm talking about b/c they've walked through it
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Yep... my 4 yr old was a tantrum all the do-da-day kid for the first 3 years of her life. She has PTSD/Anxiety/Depression... that has some CRAZY triggers. We have had her for 6 months. She takes Mirtazapine and it makes a HUGE difference in her. WE usually have about one tantrum a week now. I attribute most of that to her processing her trauma. It helps her tremendously w/ anxiety issues though. She's really a different kid now! Your last paragraph pretty much explains how I felt for the first 3 months of my little girl being w/ me. I know at 3 they are probably very leery to RX medication... but is that something they have considered? It is very hard to get an outsider to understand what you see... until they witness it first hand, even when you describe it, they can't imagine the rage like that in a child.Wish I could help more! ***Hugs to you though!***
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Thank you for the reply - He is on Tenex at the moment, which has helped with his anxiety (he can go to school & interact with others now, where as 6 months ago, he would have a major meltdown if he had to be around other kids especially). They have precribed Ritalin but I just don't know about giving it to him.... especially if this is bipolar behavior (which I feel like it's either that or ODD) b/c I've read Ritalin can make early on-set bioplar worse.
Keep a daily log of the tantrums and other behaviors. Write down what triggered the incident, how you responded, what impact that had, how long it lasted, how it was resolved, etc. Write down everything. Then show that to the medical professionals. That might help keep them from blowing you off as a stressed out, exaggerating mom.
My children are FASD and you described them. I understand how frustrating it can be to hear the "oh that's normal" Took my mother 2 YEARS to finally understand and see with her own eyes what I was truely talking about. I have learned that if one ped won't listen then move on! Find a good mental health therapist that can help you weed through this choas.
You described my life for the past 4 years. We live at the mercy of my DS whims and moods. We have tried behavior modification, therapy, diet changes, with no effect. He was dx with OCD, ADHD, and now have moved on to bipolar. We adopted him at birth as well...he was NOT exposed to alcohol, but was exposed to benzos, opiaties, nicotine, and any pill him birthmom got her hands on. He was a horribly colicky baby, and has had major tantrums, like you describe, since 15 months. They last for HOURS. No one understands...they blame you and DH, or say this is "normal" or he's being a boy. Uh huh...live in my house for one day. DS has a strong family history of bipolar (his birthmom and birth grandma have bipolar and anxiety issues, and birthdad is an alcoholic and addict). Tenex helps with some of the impulsivity and anxiety, but not the tantrums and rages.We started him on Depakote yesterday. This was a last ditch effort. I do not want to medicate my child, but I cannot live with him constantly raging. It's not good for any of us. Does he see a pediatric psychiatrist who believes there is such a thing as childhood bipolar? That seems to have helped us, as some MDs discount the diagnosis. We also have read The Bipolar Child and Should You Medicate Your Child's Mind. Both books have proven very insightful. Know that this is not your fault. It may be heredity, the drug exposure, or a combination. I am walking the same path...as are many others. On a side note, the stimulants (Ritalin and the like) and antidepressants have shown to induce mania in children who are bipolar. Until you can have him evaluated further, I would steer clear of either.
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Hopefulmommie2b -
Thank you for taking the time to reply. My son is currently trying to beat his door down as I type this while screaming at the top of his lungs that he doesn't like me & is moving out. The ANGER and RAGE in him is just unspeakable right now... I don't understand!!!
He hasn't seen a psychiatrist yet. I will definitely try to get that to happen.
What do you do when he rages?? I have NO CLUE how to handle it... If you have any advice here, please let me know what's worked for you because I'm at a total loss.
I wish I had the perfect answer. Honestly, we don't. DS put a hole in his wall last week by banging his door knob so hard against the wall it went through. He scared the tar out of our 2 year old DD (also adopted, exposed to meth, but seemingly uneffected, thank God). He seems to do better if we put on some music or give him some milk and his blanket. But this isn't fool proof either. If we do put him in his room, he tends to escalate...almost as if he's a caged animal trying to break free. He also hates me and DH most days, is "leaving", tells us to throw away his toys, etc. We asked him last night to clean up his toys, he had a meltdown, we told him no blanket til his toys were cleaned up. Three hours later...the living room was still a mess and he went to bed without his blanket and screaming. I get it.
Don't feel I have a solution, but wondering, do you know "time-in" vs "time-out" parenting? I could never have put my traumatized child (PTSD, RAD, hypervigilant-comes with the PTSD, and anxious) child into a room by himself in the beginning. He would have experienced it as abandonment, and just gone out of his mind. In fact, about 5-10 days after placement, I figured out why he would throw himself down on the ground and scream like crazy at the oddest moments. It was when I was more than 3 steps away from him. I had started carrying things to the house from the car, he was lagging behind to drive me nuts (really), so I just kept walking. Boom, excruciating screams, down on the ground. He was SO sensitive to being abandoned, he thought he could never catch up, and would not try. He'd been left alone so much, and left by his parents here and there so much, he had good reasons for being so sensitive about being abandoned.So. I didn't get more than 3 steps away from him for a month or 2, then as his security and calmness increased, I stretched it a little, over many months that got pretty normal. But I timed him out *in the same room* with me. In the corner, on a rug, on a chair, etc. Bedtime was a constant struggle, so different from other children. In part probably because I was looking forward to calm and a break, and now another big hassle. One night I was just at my wits end re bedtime, this was probably 5-8 months in, he was 4. Reluctantly, really not wanting to do it, I shut him in the bathroom by himself. It took 1.5 seconds till he was screaming his brains out, "Let me out, come in here..." etc. Anguished. I waited about 5-10 seconds, because I was afraid if he didn't rest in that terror for a few seconds, he'd go back to being defiant. That's all it took. He was compliant through bedtime routine that night. I am certain that if I had timed him out (alone) early on, he would eventually have begun to cover up the fear, and pretend he didn't care. Pretend he was tough. The terror would still have been there, though.Here's a DVD resource on time-in parenting, with some stuff you can view online for free: "Because They Waited" -- by 2 moms who have actually adopted.[url=http://www.heartofthematterseminars.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=117&Itemid=101]Because They Waited | Adoptive Parent Education | NASW Approved Continuing Education[/url]
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adoptivemomtoone
Thank you for the reply - He is on Tenex at the moment, which has helped with his anxiety (he can go to school & interact with others now, where as 6 months ago, he would have a major meltdown if he had to be around other kids especially). They have precribed Ritalin but I just don't know about giving it to him.... especially if this is bipolar behavior (which I feel like it's either that or ODD) b/c I've read Ritalin can make early on-set bioplar worse.
Hi, I realize it's been a while since your original post but I too am experiencing all of what you described with my almost 3 year old adopted son. I'm extremely concerned as to what to do now to try to gain some control before he gets older and I loose all control. I would love to hear if you were able to find someone willing to help you? And if things have gotten better?