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So...here's my story...
When I was 17 my amom told me I was adopted -- I had absolutely no clue before that. All my life my amom had talked about my life like she was the one who had given birth to me; she even talked about how the reason I like certain foods is because before I was born that's what she would eat. So imagine my shock and surprise when she told me I was adopted. I'm still dealing with that, and it's been 7 years since she told me. Since then, I got my pre-adoption birth certificate (thanks to the support and love of my then-boyfriend / now-husband), and have actually found my birthmom. It wasn't too hard; she has an EXTREMELY unique name, and it really only took one Google search to find her, and most of her siblings. Although I found her, it took me 2.5 years to gain the courage to contact her, and figure out the right way to contact her. The thing that pushed me to contacting her was my parents randomly gave me a letter she wrote me when I was a baby at this past Thanksgiving, and let me read a letter she wrote them before I was born. And the only reason they gave me those was because my dad let it slip that they had them (my mom seemed rather mad that he told me). AND the only reason we were talking about my bmom is because my husband and I were looking through baby pictures of mine (I recently had our first baby girl, so we were comparing baby pictures), and there were pictures of me with a woman I have never met before. I had seen a lot of pictures of me with people I didn't know, but she looked familiar in a way (I had seen a picture of my bmom through my online searches) so I asked who it was, and they told me it was "just some woman...we can't remember who" really quickly. I kept looking though, and my dad pulled my mom away, then later the two of them told me it was my bmom and those pictures were mine to keep when I wanted them. ANYWAYS, the letter they gave me was that extra little push that made me finally send her an email that had information, but that wasn't too informative (I didn't say I knew she was my bmom) in case someone else saw the email. AND she responded the next day saying how THRILLED she was to hear from me, and that it was ironic because the night before she had been searching for me, yet again. I have a half-brother (which I knew about from my searching) that is 5 years younger than me, and she apparently told him about me a few months before I contacted her, which is perfect timing imo.
Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to give the back-story :). For little less than a week we emailed back and forth, at least one email a day, asking questions, and getting to know each other. A couple times she made comments/jokes about visiting me, and me flying out to see my extended family. I've been trying to not overwhelm her with questions and emails, but it's almost scary how much we have in common. We both sound like we had similar childhoods, and what's REALLY ironic is career-wise we both chose the same paths and careers, the same degrees to get in college, and we both have the same passions. Around the holidays she was busy out of town, and in general (besides working she does other things that take a lot of time and effort), and so communication essentially stopped. Again, I've been trying to figure out how to not overwhelm her, and basically I'm afraid of scaring her off, so I just sent her an email to wish her and my brother a good holiday, and left it at that. I didn't hear from her for over 2 months, and so recently I sent her an email just seeing how things were, and she wrote back (yay!!). But then, again, emails have slowed a lot.
I guess my main FEAR is scaring her off. I never really expected anything, so I was shocked and really happy to hear that it sounded like she'd been looking for me and wanting to contact me, and had been wondering about me. I suppose I really just could use some advice on a lot of things -- I don't want to come on too strong, I don't know when or how to make contact with my brother, do I just wait and let her talk about meeting at some point? (because I'd love to meet her), how to I keep from going insane while I wait for a response, and any advice on when I should tell my aparents that I've been making contact? I decided against telling them I was looking, and had gotten my pre-adoption birth cert because of how my mom's reacted to questions in the past, and also bc I don't know how my sister (also adopted) will react...but that's for another forum.
Again...sorry this is so long...I'm just very lost and filled with a ton of emotions. I suppose I never expected to actually feel this much of a connection, or this much love for her, and so I'm a wee bit rattled :).
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How funny that I came upon this tonight, I actually logged on to distract myself from stalking my inbox waiting on a response from my b-daughter :P My contact story is similar to yours, my DD and I are just starting to get to know eachother too and it's CRAZY how alike we are, down to the sentence structure of our messages! I feel a strong and instant connection to her, and she has told me how excited she is to know me too. But the wait in between emails seems sooooo loooong! (a few months in between responses) I too have been struggling with the wait tho I had a lot of practice waiting in the past, since for years her a-mom and I kept in contact and she too would take a while to respond. What I would do is set myself on a schedule per se (ie: I'm going to write around x-mas, check in around the spring, wish her a happy Mother's Day etc) just to stay present. Sometimes she'd respond, sometimes she wouldn't, but we had a pretty good relationship for a while. I recently decided to start doing that with my b-daughter as well, just writing every few months so to say hello. I figure if we both feel connected and eager to have a relationship, a few lighthearted e-mails here and there can't change that. I'm the same way tho, I feel like we need to keep doing something to keep the relationship going, and I get frustrated when I don't hear back, even though I'm sure it's because of life things and not adoption things. I'm not sure why your b-mom hasn't written, but maybe she's afraid of overwhelming you! That is a huge fear of mine, especially since as b-mom, we are always told to let the adoptee set the pace. My advice is to WRITE! Ask her how the holidays were, where she's traveled to, tell her what you did this weekend. Don't let a lull slow you down, if she needs space, she'll tell you :) Keep it simple and light until you are a little more "secure". As far as contacting your b-brother and your b-dad and telling your a-parents, remember you don't have to do everything all at once. There's no rush, each of those actions are emotionally loaded, so be careful not to overwhelm yourself! You know what you can handle, do it in your time ;) I hope this helps! Remember, you aren't alone :)
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Browneyes, thank you SO much!
I was shaking the night I sent the first email to her...and was nauseous after I sent it, because I was so afraid of her response. When she wrote back how thrilled she was to hear from me, I was so happy I started crying. My husband has been my proof-reader because there have been quite a few emails where I've asked so many questions that he got overwhelmed reading them :). I try to set a schedule, and it's both hard and easy, because I don't have a job at the moment, which makes it hard, but I don't have a job bc I'm a stay at home mom with two big dogs and a 5 month old...which makes it easy to stay distracted :). I guess my issue is I get anxious waiting a week...let alone a few months! I see her on Facebook and so badly want her to message me, or I want her to ask for my number...I don't easily get overwhelmed, and if I did I'm very open about telling people I am. Also, if I kept with what I want, I'd email her every other day, at a minimum. And then again, sometimes I don't have a reason for emailing, so I don't have a topic...I just want to talk to her.
I guess the thing that fuels my desire for contact the most is that my aparents are great, and I love them -- they're my parents. But as much as I try, I've never really been able to bond with them on the level of acceptance that I am myself (there's a back story on my feelings of my relationship with them). And it's like you said...my birthmom and I are so similar, down to the way we "speak" (type)! She was shocked that I have her hair :-P which I think it hilarious because apparently my half brother didn't get her hair :).
Anyways...thanks for the advice! I know she's really busy with life in general, so I can't always expect an answer, and will have to keep busy myself to stay sane :), but at what point does it go from being an excited birth daughter desiring contact to almost stalker-ish? :-P Because I'd be happy with much more constant contact than we currently have. I also don't know if maybe she's pulling back because of the comments she made before about meeting me, and me coming out to meet her extended family...I didn't really respond to them because I didn't know how to, although it didn't bother me.
BLEAH!! Sorry if this post is all over the place...I guess I'm just on my emotional roller coaster right now, and am super happy thinking about the progress we've made, and the contact I DO have :).
My husband just suggested I ask another question (so sorry for all the questions!) to see if anyone's ever had this happen, or if someone can "decrypt" what she's saying...or if you all can tell me I'm just being a worry-wart and being crazy :).
I talked with her really often, then had that 2 month gap when I didn't hear back from her at all, and I just sent a message wishing her happy holidays, hoping she'd write back. Then, a week or so ago, I sent her an email asking how she and my b-brother were doing since I hadn't heard from them in a while. She responded saying that she didn't get any of my emails, and that night a friend of hers was asking if she'd gotten their emails, because they hadn't gotten a response yet either. And she answered how things were going. I wrote back saying I'd be more than happy to resend them, and responded to what she wrote. After that she wrote saying she'd double check her emails, and that she probably got them but just didn't respond. That's what I've heard so far, and it's been about a week since then. I know I'm expecting a lot, but this is how I am -- when I have a new relationship that seems promising to me, I want to further it along, and am very anxious and I do tend to hover by my inbox.
I'm not sure if she's being overwhelmed, or avoiding me just a tiny bit, but I assume she's not, because she's told me in the past that she's very open, and doesn't care about what people think about her, which is why I think if she was being overwhelmed or needed a break she would be straightforward with me and tell me.
Again...sorry to be so anxious...I sometimes get a little too excited when it comes to new relationships :)
Hi Java,I'm a bmom who just sent my first letter to my son who is 31. It took me 4 months to send the letter, it's so overwhelming. I'm still waiting for a reply from him (he's had the letter for a few weeks now.) I'm finding that every stage of this has brought up unexpected emotions. I have never hidden the fact that I had a son at a young age, but the closer I get to having contact with him, the deeper and more complex the emotion seems to get. Maybe this is what is happening with your bmom? I have been caught off guard by some of the memories and feelings that have come up and sometimes have a difficult time keeping everything in check. On days like that I hope that the first phone call doesn't come because I don't want to scare him off by not being able to control my emotions. I think short, "I'm checking in" emails are a good idea. Just keep reaching out to her without a lot of expectations for her, letting her know that you are there when she's ready to commit further. Hope this helps,I'm kind of in foggy, not sure which way is up stage myself!
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Jave, Apologies for not welcoming you to the forum and for not responding earlier (bad habit of mine)... Just a thought on the email thing. I switched to Windows 7 and HATE the email compared to my old system. Now if the subject line is the same from the same contact the email goes into that conversation that could have happened months ago and I only check new emails (horrible at deleting) and when I finally get to clearing out my inbox I find emails I never saw... Reunions go in waves - it happens over and over again - lots of contact and times of no contact...just be absolutely honest and ask and tell her it is okay and when you experience it - tell her. We go in waves of contact with friends and relatives and don't realize it - in reunion it seems so scary but it is a normal cycle in reality. Life happens in waves too - some weeks, months you are too busy - some weeks and months you need contact. Kind regards,Dickons
I understand what you're going through. I've been in contact with my bmother for well over a year now, and still only via e-mail. Sometimes I'll hear from her once a week, but other times it'll be over a month. A while ago, I wrote to her and asked if I could maybe see a picture of her, since I haven't yet. I said I had changed the picture on my Facebook page to a new one, and said she might put one on her Facebook page. We're not friends on Fb, but I know where her page is and I know she's looked at mine at least once because she commented on the picture. I also mentioned that I had found her brother's Fb page and saw his picture. She immediately changed the settings on her Fb page, and then I didn't hear from her for about 6 weeks. When I did, it was as if nothing had ever happened (she said she was just busy), but she didn't mention the picture thing at all. This isn't the first time she's ignored comments or questions I sent her, either. I guess if it's difficult for her to answer, she prefers to just pretend I didn't ask.
I am new to this site. I am 29 and was adopted at 5 days old. My birth mom named me Spring Hope. My birthday is March 20, 1981. I now have 4 little babies of my own yet a big piece of my heart is still missing. It was a closed adoption so I know very little. I have dreamed all my life of meeting my birth mom. I have a wonderfully grand life, but that emptiness I feel is haunting. I am hoping I can fit in somewhere that there are others that know and understand what I am feeling. I am praying that maybe she has searched for me and that we can reunite someday. She wrote me letters while she spent 3 days in the hospital with me. I also have a teddy bear that I still keep on my bed even tho I am 29 years old. With is came a poem that read, "Seasons come and seasons go and many changes they bring. But in the warmth of a Mother's heart, it is forever Spring." I have recently been diagnosed with a painful disease and it's genetic. I would like to know what my fate may be. I want to know where I came from. Who I look like. Who loved me enough to place me with a wealthy family because she new I may be better off. Being a mother of 4, I can't fathom the idea of ever giving up any of my children so I can't imagine the pain of a birth mother. Please someone respond so I know I am not alone. Thank you.
Hey SpringHope, and welcome to the site!!
You definitely are not alone in the wondering, and the wanting to know. Are the letters and the poem the only things you have? Was your adoption in a state where you can request a pre-adoption birth certificate? And when she signed the letter, did she sign her name? Sorry for the questions, just trying to think of ways you could find out more information that might help in your search.
Again, welcome, and hopefully the amazing people here at this forum can be of help for you during your search!
~Java
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Dear Java (love the name, btw, as a fellow coffee luvr!),
I really enjoyed your first post; i am sure it took some courage to write it. I can only hope that I, too, will have contact with my biomom. I am like one HUGE step away from that.. and am truly a player in the "waiting game", though a little different than yours: I am waiting for her to contact me. I spoke to her mother a week ago, and she hopes that my biomom will call me. All i can do is try NOT to think about if her mother has talked to her about me yet.. about how i found her and the phone convo we had a week ago... I do not even know if they have talked yet.. or what is keeping her from calling. I know she has her things to go through and that I have had time to process some of this already, as I have been searching for about 4 years (off and on) now. I have answered some of my own questions; she has to give herself time to do that, too. Of course it is my hope that she calls me... one day.. even if i have to wait... but How Long is the question... *sigh*
It is indeed an interesting journey we are all on, is it not? We are all alike in one significant way, yet what happens to us, how we feel, can be so different. It's amazing to me sometimes!
I also want to tell you that what is meant to happen will happen.. and exactly when it is supposed to happen. how do i know this? I just believe it. I didn't used to, but I do now. Else I may not have found my birth mother's mother when i did, or at all... Just throwing that out there as some food for thought, as well as for a little encouragement!
Good luck with everything!!!
Peace,
Elinor
Thanks Elinor!
I know it feels horrible just having to wait, and wait...and wait...to find out if your bio gmom has contacted your biomom yet, but you're exactly right. AND you are at a great point in your search!
I'm not sure if people would agree or disagree with me on this thought, but if it gets to be longer than you expected, and you still haven't heard from her, but you know your bio gmom is willing to talk to you, maybe you could chat with her and get an update? At least then you know what's going on, and if she needs more time then maybe she'll know what you should do. Don't give up!! Although I don't foresee that happening; you're exactly right that whatever is meant to be will happen :).
I've been meaning to update this but I've had a little bug being passed from baby to parent, parent to parent, etc. and have been focusing on my miserable other family members :).
I finally just sent an email to my biomom explaining that I know I can come off a bit strong sometimes, and that if I ever come off too strong or excited with her then for her to please let me know. I also explained that my eagerness to get to know her and talk to her has almost been festering since I got her name, and so if she ever needs to step back for a little while just to let me know and I will respect her request and wait for her to contact me again. She wrote back the next day explaining just how busy she had been, but saying that life should be returning to normal soon, and that she doesn't get overwhelmed really....just busy, and that she'd write back soon. I wrote her back, and have just been waiting for an email back from her for the last week. I guess I personally needed to get it off my chest an email that was just straight and from the heart.
However...in the meantime I've been in contact with my bio half-sibling, although he's pretty different from me. He doesn't like emailing, so I've tried to chat with him online a few times, and it's been okay...we chat for a bit, find some interests in common, but it's almost as if there aren't a bunch of questions between us. He's in that stage in his life between teenager and "Oh crap, I have responsibilities now; I'm an adult"...so he's got quite a bit going on. I guess the good thing with that is we don't really have bad conversations, and he seems to be the type of person who gives a cold shoulder to most people...so since he's giving me an open chance must mean he cares :).
I also found my bio uncle, and contacted him. He put me in contact with a whole list of other bio family members on my dad's side, and apparently they were all waiting for me to contact them; I have a younger cousin who was telling me about how she has known all her life about me and wanted to contact me...it's pretty amazing. I still haven't had contact with my bio dad mainly because he apparently has some sort of mental illness and doesn't have a phone or internet, so I've been chatting with my bio aunt about every day.
This journey has been an emotional roller coaster, and I know there's still so much more to go, but it's been worth it. No matter what happens from here on out, I feel more whole than I've felt in a very long time.
Java,
Thanks for all your insight and sharing of your story! Sounds like u are making great progress... though a little slow at times... :-/
I have yet to hear from my biomom... i realize it may take awhile.. i have had time to deal with some of this, she hasn't, until now.. thanks to Me LOL
I did write a letter to her mother, with one to her enclosed, but have not mailed them ...yet. I was going to wait a week or so.. just to give her more time. :-) Maybe time is what she needs.. just as I needed time to figure some s**t out and be really "into" this search , 100%!
When I wrote the letters, it was a little emotional, but oddly enough, the tears didn't start falling until I reread the one to my biomom, the second and third time. :-( I am ok with what i wrote.. but seeing it written down makes it all the more REAL.. you know? All i can hope for is that once she gets the letter, she decides to call or write back.. :-)
Best wishes..again!
Java,
Thank you for getting back to me. As a mommy or 4 I get very busy thus the tardiness of my reply. I also have a picture of my birth parents taken a year before my birth. She signed the letters Mommy. I know her name is Denise tho. I live in WI. I was born in IL tho. I don't know if they do that pre-birth certificate or not. How would I find that out? I thank you for your help. I hope you are doing well.
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Spring: This site has information on what you can and cannot do as an adoptee in order to gather your pre-adoption information; hope it helps! [url=http://www.idph.state.il.us/vitalrecords/vital/non_certified.htm]Request for a Non-Certified Copy of an Original Birth Certificate[/url]
Grayling: I understand exactly what you are talking about. When I wrote the letter to my bmom I was fine, until I hit the "Send" button...then I started to hyperventilate! It took me a few minutes, and then, because I did it later at night, I couldn't get to sleep until about 3 or 4 in the morning!
Java, Well.. i wrote two letters, one to biomoms mother and included one for biomom in it to give to her..since i only know where biomoms mother lives.. not biomom herself... I heard from biogramdma :-) she considers me one of her 5 grandchildren and wants to keep in touch with me! :-) Between the time she wrote me back and i actually got her letter, she was to give Susan, my biomom, the letter and card i included for her... so we will see.. but this is so positive thus far!!thanks!