Ex husband freaking out about me fostering.

My DH's ex-wife "forbade" us to foster/adopt. She absolutely refused to give him any of the info we needed (ss card, birth certificate) of DS. DH had to file for those things himself. SS absolutely loves our FKs, they all get along (well, like brother-sister), and now SS is going to come and live with us! I think DH's ex's biggest concern is that she wouldn't still get her child support... which she still does, every month. I wouldn't worry about it. He can't stop you. But, make sure you keep your eyes open about the problems that FKs can have, the things they have seen, experienced, etc and how that will impact your kids.

Some people believe that foster kids are damaged and will damage other kids. If you have kids with your ex-husband he may be concerned for his kids safety and not expressing it in an appropriate manner. I suggest (if you have a good relationship) that you sit down with him and make sure he has a chance to express what it is that bothers him so you can address those issues together. I will say that I have a friend who adopted 2 from foster care. Both her's and her husband's were against them adopting from foster care. When their 3rd adoptive placement accused her husband's son (her step son) of sexual abuse (falsely) it was all his ex wife needed to try to get custody. She did not succeed, but it put a huge toll on their family to go though the allegations, and then a custody battle.

I cannot sit down with my ex because he is currently not talking to me (e-mail only). I let the kids talk to my social worker on the phone in October and he has been 'bent' about it ever since.We have actually gotten to know the little boy we are getting, quite well, so I am not worried about him. He is soooo lovely! Everyone who has had contact with him, and his current foster mom have nothing but great things to say about him. We are so lucky. This is why I just don't get it. I dread having to tell him that the boy has moved in because he is going to freak out again. That said, I refuse to live my life by his rules. Keep the stories coming.

Maybe he feels he's got kids with you but doesnt want anyone else to. Kinda like (you ""not you the person but you in general"" dont want him but you dont want anyone else to have him) Could be that simple, he doesnt want you having children with another man...adopted or not. Just a thought! I'm so glad your getting your little one and you are already in the process, how exciting!

I am in a similar situation. My family is supportive, to a point. They keep telling me I need to foster "normal" kids (as in, not a pregnant teen, no medical issues and minimal behavioral issues)...... I am a medical professional, and there are things I am VERY comfortable taking. My parents especially worry about me going over what I can handle. But I am not worried about that. I know what I can and can't do. I think THEY are worried about these kids more than me. In some ways, I really need their support for things (emotional support, occasional babysitting), and am worried if I get kids they are not comfortable with, (BUT I AM) they won't support me. So I worry if this will affect the type of kids I can accept. I will have to play this by ear. I really don't want to hear a lecture from them that "this is what you signed up for" when I vent to them or ask for advice.

I feel your pain. I am divorced and when my ex found out I was becoming a foster parent (in 2009), he went so far as to contact a lawyer to put a stop to it! If I had to guess, his new wife put him up to it. When we were married, it was my idea for him to have a vascetomy after our daughter was born. His new wife has been pushing him to get it reversed so she can have a child and for the past 6 years he has resisted. So I'm thinking that she was the one who was more mad about me doing foster care - getting another child when she still hasn't had her first (and never will at this point). UTbrie, sorry to hear your family is not very supportive. How would they feel if you actually gave birth to one of these children 'with medical issues'? Would they be supportive then? If so, then they should be supportive of the child you 'pick' rather than 'give birth to'.

When our a.son came to live with us the first time around as our FS, my ex freaked out and threatened to take custody of our bio son. He claimed that I wouldn't love or take care of my son now that the baby was in the home. I told him to go ahead and try. I told him that if the state of Michigan trusts us with somebody else's baby, there's no way in heck that they'd take my own child away. Tell that ex of yours to get over himself already.

He is an EX for a reason. You owe him no explanation. You are having a child with your husband. The only difference is, is you are adopting. You would not need your EX's permission to get pregnant by your husband, so therefor you do not need his permission or blessing on choosing to have a child with your husband. I do not understand why you feel the need to tell your ex when your son moves in. Just don't. It's a personal problem he has and not your problem.

He is using it against my children and really upsetting them. I am going to use your first five sentences pretty much word for word though.

My sister told me when I first discussed adoption via fostering that I should only have a white, hispanic or asian child as she would not feel the same about an AA or mixed-race child coming into the family. My response was "hmmm ok" and ignored her. :evilgrin: Fast-forward to Kiddo coming as a foster child. She absolutely adores him and he feels the same about her! In their case, it was love at first sight. Sometimes what people think they think isn't what it really is at all. So, so much for not feeling the same about an AA or mixed-race kid! My parents and brother are 100% supportive. I haven't asked my extended family's opinion because it's unimportant to me. On a different note, I agree with Pammi in that he's an EX for a reason. And, from the sounds of him, a very good reason. If you've had the talks with your kids and they are on board then I think you're good. I don't know your kids ages but, in my case, my parents didn't discuss it with myself (6 yoa) or my sister (8 yoa). When they were matched with a baby and it was clearly a go, we went to meet him for the first time and two weeks later he was coming into our house for daily visitation from his orphanage. The only thing they said to us was "He's going to be your brother even though he didn't come from Mommy's tummy. Don't try to kill him until he has a fighting chance." No, I'm really not kidding!

ugh! It must be frustrating dealing with this on top of all the zillion other steps required to foster/adopt Apologies in advace for stating the obvious, but you can't control how he behaves or feels. But you can control how you deal with the aftermath. I would explain to your kids how fostering scares some people. Their dad is acting out of fear for them, because he loves them. But you love them too and will make sure they are not hurt. then talk about the positives. its funny.. i have family members worried about my DD since we said we'd continue to F/A. What would she be exposed to? I'm like.. um, SHE was one of the foster kids not that long ago :eek:

Exactly what pammi said. I would also remind him that you will always keep your children safe and loved(he should already know this). But, he cannot reach inside your household and control things, and that is what he is trying to do. I am assuming that you do not dictate his life decisions to him. In fact, maybe he needs to hear that you are no longer going to discuss the fostering/adoption with him because its none of his business. whew....It's times like this when I am soooooo glad I did not have children with my ex because he would be acting the same way.....:(