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So we are in an ongoing (2 1/2 years so far) puzzle with our RAD daughter on how to motivate her. She is 4 now, almost 4 1/2. She also has some sensory issues.
Rewards don't work with her - things like reward charts or even end-of-the-day work for a day or so and then she loses interest. Positive feedback doesn't work with her. Any kind of privilege doesn't work with her - she sabotages when she receives positive feedback. Things like - she will receive a ball for doing a good job and almost immediately throw it at her (younger) brother - something that's been a rule in our house from Day 1.
Consequences don't have any lasting effect on her behavior. She throws a fit when she receives a consequence ("I don't want to stay home from the store!!!!!"), but it doesn't make her change her behavior at all if the consequence is threatened, or change her behavior the next time if she receives the consequence. Example: She tips her chair when she is sitting and eating. She has literally fallen over backwards and bonked her head on the floor maybe half a dozen times. I have told her not to tip her chair, given her reminders that it's not safe, and 2 seconds later, she tips it again. I have taken away the chair for her to stand for the rest (10 minutes) of the meal, she throws a fit, and does the same thing the next meal.
Calm reminders have zero impact. Talks about her behavior are rewards to her - she wants the undivided attention (which she gets plenty of when she makes good choices) so I think they actually encourage the bad choices. Pretty much the only thing that gets her attention is when you use a firm voice.
Another example: I showed her a pair of new shoes this morning and told her what she needed to do (not hit, kick or bite people, not wet her pants) to get them. She LOVES shoes. Her question: "What are you going to do with the shoes if I make bad choices?"
Anyone have any luck with changing the feedback patterns of a child like this?
p.s. I KNOW she needs love and affection and attention. I don't need help "bonding" with her or learning that she needs to feel secure, etc.
Thanks in advance for any help!
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What you're talking about is changing the negative feedback loop -- replacing it with a positive feedback loop. Read "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control." Follow the link in my signature for more information about a new parenting model that may be the key you're looking for.
Basically what you're experiencing is a child with zero cause and effect thinking -- that type of logic is controlled by the prefrontal cortex of the brain but hers isn't developed and can't go there. I've been through it with my daughter as well. Children with a trauma history live out of their "reptilian" brain in survival mode. Everything your daughter experiences is seen as a potential life or death threat and she can only respond accordingly -- if you leave the house without her you will never come back and she will be abandoned and alone again she MUST stay with you to make sure her world doesn't collapse around her again.
She probably also lacks the object permanence most kids learn as infants playing peek-a-boo -- if she can't see you, you no longer exist. My 7 yr old still likes to play hide and seek by hiding under a blanket -- she doesn't understand that although the blanket covers her it doesn't make her invisible. You're lucky to be learning about all of this now. I wish I had been able to start on the path to my daughter's healing when she was 4.
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