Need guidance - open to closed

When I was 16, I got pregnant. I was raised well by my single mother. My moral character was as good as any other teenager. I never touched drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol. I had a good academic foundation, but could have done much better than I did in high school at the time. My Mom said she'd support no other decision than adoption. I knew I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion. I didn't have confidence in my own ability to finish high school while working and supporting myself. We contacted a non-profit adoption agency, who found a temporary foster home for me, assigned a case worker, and gave me letters of introduction from potential adoptive parents to review. All I knew was that I would keep the promise I made to my best friend in first grade to name my first born child Nicole, after her. She is still my best friend, 30 years later. I didn't find any couples that I liked, in 7 months of reading letters. I had read through every letter, more than once, and there were no other candidates left. I began to talk to relatives about the possibility of getting help in raising my daughter myself. I knew I would be a good mother, but I didn't know how to provide for her material needs. Another batch of letters arrived, and I found them. I loved them right away. Their letters were so intimate. They were well educated. They wrote well. They were loving toward each other. They had good lives, and active relationships with their whole family. They wanted an open adoption. I told the agency I wanted to meet them. The agency felt that was unusual, but forwarded my request. "Couple X" agreed to meet. We met at the agency. We had another meeting and had dinner together. We had another meeting and shopped for baby gear. I truly loved the idea of these wonderful people becoming part of my extended family, and giving my daughter all the attention and opportunity that a child of a single mother would struggle without. Couple X asked me what name I would give my daughter. I told them I hadn't worked out the details yet, but I had some ideas. They said they would like to name her Kelsey Nicole. It was perfect, so I named her that. She was born 3/9/93, at 9:07, and weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz. It's special how her 'numbers' are all reflective. Mrs. X took photos of my mother, Kelsey, and myself. They came out very blurry. I kept her in the room with me as much as I could, knowing it was the only time we'd get together as parent and child. The hospital gave me some drugs to prevent milk production. I was surprised at how strong the urge was to nurse her. She would make the softest, sweetest sounds you can imagine. I would hold my breath so I could hear them. A couple days later it was time to go. I changed her 3 times in the hour before it was time. I put her in the outfit I had picked out with Couple X. My mother brought me Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" to give to her. I wrote something that felt completely inadequate, and set it next to her. I couldn't feel my arms or my legs coming out of the hospital. I don't remember whether it was sunny. A month later I was 2000 miles away, living with relatives, finishing high school. I got straight A's. Couple X sent a letter or two with photos, and I was happy. I sent a letter or two, but I don't remember whether I sent photos. If I didn't, I should have. While on spring break from school, I came to visit my Mother. I asked for a visit with Kelsey, and Couple X agreed. We met at the adoption agency and I watched her play with blocks and asked Mrs. X vague questions about how little Kelsey was doing. It was a nice visit. I was so glad to have an open adoption. I went back to school, graduated, and started as a freshman at Syracuse University. Spring break came around, and I requested another visit. We hadn't exchanged as much communication. We were both busy. They agreed again, and we met at Catholic Charities. Mrs. X brought a baby, but it wasn't Kelsey. Kelsey was 3, and this was an infant. I was confused, but made pleasant hello's. We sat down in the play room with Kelsey's new sister. Mrs. X explained that they had a long custody battle with Kelsey's birth father. I had not had contact with him since leaving home to finish school. The adoption agency had not mentioned it to me. It was a very sad surprise. Mrs. X said all had been settled and they were able to finalize Kelsey's adoption. I was happy to hear that, but where is Kelsey? Mrs. X looked grave, and told me she and Mr. X would like a closed adoption. I blinked, and tears came. I didn't know what to do or what to say. Mrs. X went on to say that Kelsey was a very strong willed toddler and they had serious concerns about maintaining an appropriate relationship with a birth parent. I couldn't stop the tears. I was trying so hard to be mature and composed, but I just couldn't stop crying. I wanted to say something intelligent and reassure them that I would never harm Kelsey's well being. I couldn't form words. My mouth stopped working. I wanted to tell them that they were in charge, and I would respect their boundaries. I couldn't speak. Mrs. X felt terrible. I could see that in her face, in her body language, and hear it in her voice. She didn't want to hurt me. She invited me to come see Kelsey at her preschool. I desperately wanted to. I imagined seeing her playing with friends, and knew immediately that I couldn't keep it together. Of all the memories I wanted to make with Kelsey, I didn't want that one, no matter what the cost. I didn't want her only memory of me to be some hysterical woman in a parking lot. Since then, I've thought of her every day. I'm 35 now. Nicole sends me flowers on every 3/9. I graduated, worked a while, went back to grad school, finished and got married, worked a while, bought our first house, got a professional certificate, and am still working. We've been trying to conceive for 2 years. He is fine, according to the analysis, but for some reason I'm not getting pregnant. I made my decision to surrender my child on the expectation that I would still be allowed some relationship with her. I never gave them any cause to believe I had any interest in taking her back. I struggle with feeling used. I struggle with anger and regret. I disbelieve the assurance that Kelsey would be raised knowing she was adopted. I fear that either by design or otherwise, Kelsey may have a skewed, unfavorable image of the person I was, and a poor assumption of the person I must be. Kelsey just turned 18. It's never gotten easier. When I think about that last meeting with Mrs. X, I still can't speak. I still cry uncontrollably. It is not healing. During one of the meetings with Couple X while I was still pregnant, I glanced their last name and address on an envelope they took pictures from to show me. Having spent my adult life working with computers, I've become very internet savvy. Without their knowledge or consent, I've learned some things. I know where they work. I've seen photos of the entire family, including Kelsey. I've been to their social networking profile pages. You Tube has adorable videos of a teenager who looks just like me, being a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life. Thanks to poor web security, I even have Kelsey's cell phone number. I tell myself it isn't invasive if I don't contact them. I try to be happy just knowing that she is ok, and even thriving. I don't plan to contact them directly. I have contacted the adoption agency and requested that they ask Couple X if they would be willing to communicate. The counselor asked how I would prefer to communicate. I responded that any form would do, even smoke signals or carrier pigeon. I don't know what I would say, but I don't know if I will get the chance either. The counselor seemed doubtful she'd be able to locate them. She knows of one of their 2 moves. I will help her if she runs into a dead end. I have an appointment with a regular counselor next week. Regardless of what happens with Couple X, I need to work these feelings out. I was betrayed. It is agony to have a child out in the world and not have a relationship with her. I don't know what my questions are. What questions should I have? I have about a hundred. Were Couple X ever counseled to delay shutting me out? The counselor asked what she should say if they ask what I want, and why I'm contacting them now. What appalling questions! What do they think I want? I want what they promised me, an open adoption. I have waited and respected their silence ever since they closed the adoption. Somehow, I'm more composed when actually speaking with the counselor at the adoption agency. I fully believe I will avoid being adversarial. I just need this group's wisdom to help me though, with or without communication with Kelsey. Any advice, guidance, support, questions, answers, or emoticons welcome. Thank you for reading this far. It helped a lot to get it out. -T