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:confused: I am so confused as to what to do. My daughter who recently turned 19, she was placed in our care through Foster Care at age 6. We adopted her when she was 12.
She experienced a wonderful childhood, all the good stuff, love, understanding, parties, friends, great schools. She started a job last summer after graduation while thinking about entering college.
Close Mother daughter relationship that friends only wished they had with their daughters.
Well about a month ago my daughter left for work in the morning and never returned. I found out through a co worker of her, with whom she had known for only a few months that my daughter returned back to her bio family. She never said anything to me. We talked always, about everything.. She never got in trouble, no problems, I am so proud of her, the young lady she grew up to be.
So what went wrong?! She refuses to talk to me and will only communicate through texting. My neice and my daughter practically grew up together. My neice tried reaching out to he ronly for my daughter to say, through texting, never try to contact her again and she never wants to talk to her.
I am not sure what to do. While she is an adult, this is such strange behavior for her.
I am so worried yet angry and hurt.
Any advice...:confused:
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heide24
Hi and thank you for your input. It's another way to look at the situation. I don't think though my daughter would do anything in order not to hurt anyone's feeling. I truly believe she returned because she feels in her heart they need her now. Knowing her since she's a little girl I would never have imagined I was just considered the "person" who raised her but I'll tell you this, I' sure that's what her bio. grandma has said to her.
Knowing her heart I don't think she has done this as to choose I believe in my heart it's what she feels she needs to do know, make up for lost time...
I still and will forever love her as my daughter.....
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CRAZY_WOMAN
That's the same thing none family members tought,that I felt my birth parents needed me,prefered there family over my bio parents,but I just never cared as much about the people that raised me,didn't want to hurt feelings.I actully think more about them know,that's somany years later.I'm just saying she dissapered so fast,it's because she trully never wanted to lose her family and was probobly dreaming for the day,she could be in there live,with out hurting your feelings or when she finally felt it was okay.
I saw this post and was very moved by it. I wanted to bump it back up to see if you have any update.
This is something that I've thought about because we are in the process of adopting an 11 yo boy. He has had so many "mom" and "dad" figures in his life, I know these terms are meaningless to her...just the roles we play for him today. I know he longs to be adopted and is terrified of being sent away from yet another home. But as I type if occured that he may be holding onto a fantasy of glorifiying his bio family because they are only ones that didn't send him away (he was taken away by the state) and he has disrupted out of every placement prior to coming to our home. I saw a message he sent to the girl that he thought for many years was his sister (she was the daughter of a gal his bio dad lived with for several years that J THOUGHT was his mom) where they were saying they missed each other and J said "7 more years!" as if he is just counting the days. :( This really made my heart sink.
I hope that your daughter is evenutally able to see that it isn't a choice she needs to make to have one or the other but can have both. or that in whatever way she is able to reach out to resume the relationship you had.
Debra,
Thank you.. Nothing has changed. My daughter changed her name on Facebook, deleted all of us as if we never existed. Funny though because she remains friends on FB with all the people she met while I was her invisible mother..
I never existed to her, but they all still do..
I will be hurt from this the rest of my life. If she doesn't make some sort of contact tomorrow for Mother's Day, well then I guess that's my answer.
Now I know how it feels to have a missing child. They're not dead but you don't know where they are, who they're with, are they happy or sad today. Does she think about me, does she long to be home with her family, has she forgotten me, does she think I let her down, was I suppose to find her, does she want me to, and then I know she left on her own so I ask, did she ever care, did she ever really love me, did I ever matter, when we talked did she think in her head you're nothing to me?? It's all so painful and I don't think I could ever recover from this. I smile on the outside and inside my heart cries forever..
D
:sick:
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I hope your daughter is safe and eventually comes home and I am sorry for your pain.
Now for the not so "nice" part. Being that you don't know much about the situation she is now I would suggest you take some personal precautions. I know it sounds harsh, but things like having a key to your house (which you have no idea who has access to) and account numbers etc. I love my kids, but realistically kids can sometimes be manipulated into poor choices or just not think to guard themselves. Even more so I would imagine if she is being made to feel guilty for being in a different family all this time. I know when I did some volunteer work in the foster care system a great many of the parents felt that foster parents where "snobby" or "considered themselves better than". As cold as it sounds you have to think of your families security (e.g. change locks, check bank/credit accounts (notify credit agencies to keep on the look out of strange charges). You know know what information your daughter left with so you have no idea what insight perfect strangers may have into your life/home at the moment.
Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best :)
Thank you for the well wishes.
Thank you for the realty check. the first thing my family members told me is what you've said here. Early on when my daughter did reply to my text messages (she refused to talk via phone) I asked her about the key to the house and she said she didn't have it. I looked up and down and all around. Her key is not in my house so obviously she has it. Therefoe I know she lied about it. I still have not changed the locks. I've been feeling well maybe this is a phase and she'll come home, I mean she has been my daughter since she's six years old, right? The realty is setting in and I now know I have to safe guard my home and my other children. Sometimes I think well if I change anything it's accepting her departure. Well the sad truth is, I have to.
Off to Lowe's today, time to change the locks.
I have already changed banks.
Thanks so much,
Heide
I also thought about your post,and what you must be going thru,in the past year....
Has anything changed,and if so I hope for the better?
We are in the long agonizing process of adopting our now 10 yr old FD,who has been with us for 4 yrs,and she wants to be with her bmom,but it does not look like that she will ever be RU'ed.I could see this same scenario playing out for us.
Please let us know.......and I hope all is well with your family.
thank you
tess113
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Hi. Thank you for thinking of me. No, nothing has changed. My daughter isn't even living with her bfamily, she is living with a bunch of girls that have shady situations in their own lives. She has blocked all of from her FB, but can see that she is making friends with all kinds of different, shady individuals. It's all very sad because we let her know through my younger daughter texting her from my cell phone that we've sold our house and are moving a little over an hour away. We had hoped she would call and reach out but she hasn't. It would have been nice to at least talk to her before we moved as we are moving next week. She refuses to talk to me on the phone but will answer a text from her younger sister. I wonder should I text her and giver her our new address and phone #, but then the people she
s becoming involved with I am a little worried about them having my information. It's so very hard. So sad.... :o(
I do want to tell you though Tess, don't give up. Follow through with the adoption and love your daughter. I wouldn't change my adopting my daughter because all the wonderful memories of her growing up I wouldn't replace for the world. I love her and miss her and hope someday she will reach out although knoing her it is unlikely. I know people who their own biological kids ahve done this to them and moved out and went off with freinds etc.. There isn't any guarantee with kids, but the guarantee that you will enjoy many years with them throughout their childhood, memory building moments that last a lifetime. That's what I hold on to and cherish......
heide24
Hi. Thank you for thinking of me. No, nothing has changed. My daughter isn't even living with her bfamily, she is living with a bunch of girls that have shady situations in their own lives. She has blocked all of from her FB, but can see that she is making friends with all kinds of different, shady individuals. It's all very sad because we let her know through my younger daughter texting her from my cell phone that we've sold our house and are moving a little over an hour away. We had hoped she would call and reach out but she hasn't. It would have been nice to at least talk to her before we moved as we are moving next week. She refuses to talk to me on the phone but will answer a text from her younger sister. I wonder should I text her and giver her our new address and phone #, but then the people she
s becoming involved with I am a little worried about them having my information. It's so very hard. So sad.... :o(
heide24
I do want to tell you though Tess, don't give up. Follow through with the adoption and love your daughter. I wouldn't change my adopting my daughter because all the wonderful memories of her growing up I wouldn't replace for the world. I love her and miss her and hope someday she will reach out although knoing her it is unlikely. I know people who their own biological kids ahve done this to them and moved out and went off with freinds etc.. There isn't any guarantee with kids, but the guarantee that you will enjoy many years with them throughout their childhood, memory building moments that last a lifetime. That's what I hold on to and cherish......
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heide24
I do want to tell you though Tess, don't give up. Follow through with the adoption and love your daughter. I wouldn't change my adopting my daughter because all the wonderful memories of her growing up I wouldn't replace for the world. I love her and miss her and hope someday she will reach out although knoing her it is unlikely. I know people who their own biological kids ahve done this to them and moved out and went off with freinds etc.. There isn't any guarantee with kids, but the guarantee that you will enjoy many years with them throughout their childhood, memory building moments that last a lifetime. That's what I hold on to and cherish......
Heide and tess: hugs to you both!! Heide, your daughter has bio brothers? It's possible bi gma wanted either her and not the brothers or the other way around. She's telling your daughter lies to make her feel guilty. Foster care kids have the thought of: if my foster/adoptive parents can do it, why can my bios? the kids will then elevate the bios to that status.