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It's about a girl I once knew.
She broke my heart, I became unglued
It all started when she called me - oh wait, wrong song :D
Anyways, here's the real story - I'm looking for some advice on the next step. To make a long story short, I've known I was adopted since I was old enough to know...it's never been a secret. My parents were open and honest about it and gave me as much info as they had. And I was satisfied with things the way they were. But when my wife got pregnant, I started wondering -mostly about medical history, but also about where I came from. So I started looking earlier this year. I've gotten my non-identifying information from the agency, and I've sent in the letter to Social Services requesting a search be performed. This was about a month ago, and I haven't been contacted about that yet. Here's where it gets interesting, though.
My "non-identifying" information wasn't quite redacted enough. The lady at the agency, while very nice, isn't the best with a Sharpie. One or two names were missed completely, and in other places, there was enough on either end of the redacted info that I could make educated guesses on the information. Since it was all done on typewriter, it made it a lot easier. With some effort and "good" luck, I've managed to piece together enough information that I found my birth mother. I have everything - current married name, address, phone number, even a Facebook page (no picture, though). Obviously, I haven't done anything with this information, and that's the crux of my issue.
Should I contact her? The information I used to find her, I shouldn't have...it was given to me in error. I certainly don't want to get anyone at the agency in trouble over it. But at the same time, Social Services doesn't exactly move fast...when I first contacted them to get the forms, it took almost two months to hear back. I know that some of you have been searching for years and have less than I do, so I may seem impatient. I want to go through the proper channels, but it's hard to sit on this info....
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Speaking as a birthmother, I believe that every adoptee should be able to find his family of origin. Is is possible that the lady at the agency was deliberately bad with the sharpie to "accidentally" let you have the info you need? I think you are justified in acting on the information you have. Recognize that there are no guarantees that your birth mother will respond, but there are many of us who would be overjoyed to be contacted by their bchildren. (One of the high points of my life was to be able to hold my birth son's son in the hospital after he was born.)
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I don't really think that it was intentional, as finding what I did relied on a unique set of circumstances. I probably would have found it anyways, but it would have taken a lot longer.Anyways, I did get the paperwork last week. I've got an appointment with the agency later this week...with what I've gathered, I hope that the rest of the process from here runs smoothly...we'll see what happens from here.
I wouldnt worry about how you got the information. Just reach out, open the door and see what you get. Adoption is a unique circumstance. Ethics . . .hmmmmm As an Adoptive parent to a now 3 y/o I gather information anyway I can for him. I want him to know as much as he wants and to be able to contact them someday. One bparent wants and has frequent contact, the other doesn't ask, won't respond and is just plain MIA for the most part, but I believe someday he will want to find, talk, see them too. So it is my intention that he be able to find them, whether or not they are open to seeing him, I can't control that. I can only hope and try to prepare him for what may come.
Well, it's been a couple of weeks, so here's the update. The agency has gotten in touch with both my b-mother and b-father. They are both thinking about it. My b-father seems more open to it and has requested the consent forms...hopefully we'll hear something this week. As for my b-mother, I think she's a bit more reluctant...she didn't have a very pleasant childhood, and I imagine that it probably a bit painful to dig up. So while not exactly what I wanted, at least the door hasn't been slammed...
Kathy - I think you are right - my DD's birthmother's information was dutifully blacked out in every single place but one. A very obvious "mistake" that will make it very easy to locate her should DD want to or if we need to. I spotted it on my skim through when we signed to take custody of her. That's how obvious is was.
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PatrickEH
I don't really think that it was intentional, as finding what I did relied on a unique set of circumstances. I probably would have found it anyways, but it would have taken a lot longer.
Anyways, I did get the paperwork last week. I've got an appointment with the agency later this week...with what I've gathered, I hope that the rest of the process from here runs smoothly...we'll see what happens from here.
As a bmom I wouldn't care HOW either one of my sons got the information to contact me. Just as long as they DID contact me. I was over the moon when I heard my one son wanted to initiate contact. I know there are some bmoms out there that are hesitant or leery, but then there are the bmoms like me out there that are just sitting waiting patiently for that day to come. And when it does... WOW. Who cares HOW I was found, just that I WAS found. Good Luck!
Well, time for another update. My b-father has agreed to contact, and I have his phone number. I'll be giving him a call tonight. This thing has turned into a full on mystery, the details of which I'm not comfortable sharing at the moment, but suffice to say, until he got the letter from the adoption agency, he didn't even know I existed. We're both curious as to these circumstances...it should be interesting to see where this leads. It's also shed some light on why my b-mom is reluctant for contact...
Essentially, what would normally be straightforward is turning into trying to unravel a 38 year old onion. The upside is, I should have a helluva story for a movie script.:popcorn: :evilgrin:
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Sorry y'all...life has been busy. Bdad and I are getting along pretty well. He lives about 1.5 hours from here, so we've gotten together four or so times and talk about once a week. It's occasionally awkward, but we actually have a lot in common. It's pretty appearant I got my mechanical inclination from him, for example. Last time we got together, he came up here and we had lunch with my ADad...it went pretty well...again, a few awkward moments, but a lot of laughs too...
Well, it's been a few busy, rough months...I really haven't even had the time to think about any of this.BDad and I are getting along real well...we see each other about once a month. Over the holidays, I got to meet my grandmother, aunt, and some cousins...it's still awkward at times, but that's to be expected.On the other side, though, there's been nothing since the social worker last made contact six months ago. It still bothers me, especially in light of the events my family has been through in the last few months. I really want to try to make contact, but at the same time, I don't want to totally annihilate any future possibilities...
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I am so happy for you - that you are getting to spend precious time with your BFather - especially since he never knew about you. That is wonderful!!!
One the other hand, so sorry about your BMom not responding. I truly believe it is your birthright to have some kind of answers about how you came into the world and health and geneology information. Most of us now know how cruel a lot of single pregnant women were treated, while going through the surrendering process. However, we are human beings - who have had to live lives determined for us (not by BMoms necessarily - by society), and that is the definition of "unfair". We deserve answers and information, at the very least, for a life we had absolutely no control over - whether good or bad - and not being able to look into our parents eyes every day, as a baby, and not grow up with parents we look like, sound like, and know they are our flesh and blood. Wow...that turned into more of a vent than planned!
I wish you the very best Patrick. You and I are both waiting for our Mother's hearts to change, and from what I am learning it can happen. Otherwise, we will go on and will be fine.