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This is going to be a long story...but here it goes...
In 2006, I had a daughter in Washington State. Her father and I were never married, and we, unfortunately, never went to court for custody. When my daughter was a year and a half old, I met and married my current husband. He is in the US Army, and we are currently stationed in Hawaii. My daughter lives with us in Hawaii, and her bio-dad is back in Washington.
Throughout her life, he has never had much to do with her...even when we lived in the same state. Him and his friends were always more important than our daughter. About a year ago, he was in a boating accident (because of his own drunken stupidity) and is currently paralyzed and in a wheel chair. He cannot physically take care of her (hence, why she lives with me and my husband), he doesn't, and has never supported her financially (except for the $33 a month she gets from his social security, which is a joke). He's never been there for her mentally or emotionally...she doesn't even refer to him as "daddy"...its "dad Brett". She's 5 now, and the last three and a half years have just proven to me that he has no business being a father...even though he is confined to a wheel chair, rarely leaves the house, and is online all day long, he hasn't spoken to her since before Christmas, and before that, the day I got home from the hospital with her sister (which was in September).
My husband, who my daughter refers to as daddy, has been absolutely amazing. He went from being single to a dad and husband in just a couple months. He does everything with my daughter and has truly outdone himself as a person. We've been married for 3 and a half years now, and we are still going strong.
My problem is this: I want to file for sole custody of my daughter and petition the courts to let my husband adopt her. I haven't found any helpful information about adoption in either Washington State or Hawaii, and I am not sure of the rules and laws and such that I need to follow....
If anyone can help me out, I would be so grateful. I am so sick and tired of my daughters biological father's lack of parenting for my daughter. He says he loves her, but actions speak louder than words...my husband has been more than an amazing father for her.
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Hi. I'm not a lawyer and my stepparent adoption was not in Hawaii, but this appears to be the form to petition for your husband to adopt your daughter. [URL="http://www.courts.state.hi.us/docs/1FP/ptn2.pdf"]http://www.courts.state.hi.us/docs/1FP/ptn2.pdf[/URL] On it, it lists reasons that the court MAY decide to terminate your daughter's biological father's paternal rights, if they feel the standard has been met.
You will need to notify your ex and he will have a chance to either consent or contest, and be heard by the judge and present his side of the story. There will likely be a recommendation done by an investigator who has interviewed all of you and makes a recommendation to the judge, and the judge makes the final decision.
The usual caveat I give is to encourage you to remember that this is a legal step, a legal reality, but it does nothing to erase the inalterable biological connection and your daughter may very well wish to have a lifelong relationship with her biological father, even if you don't see any value in the relationship. So just keep that in mind. This doesn't erase him. It just replaces him legally. I made the mistake of looking at the new birth certificate with my name in the place of the mother, as if I'd given birth to him, and thinking that was it, the final word. There are no classes or counseling for stepparent adoption to teach you otherwise. What I eventually had to do was to realize that no legal decision or official document, or years of history with my son, could make me my son's biological mother or erase the reality of her in his life. I'm completely at peace with it now, but I really had to grieve the loss of that, as it was so easy to pretend that she was just gone, forever.
In summary, please remember this doesn't erase him. As much as he may not be a competent father, nothing in the world can undo the fact that your daughter was conceived by you with him and that she shares his genetics and his medical history and that a future relationship between them is a very real possibility.
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Thank you very much for the information! I'm in the process of writing an email to him to give him the chance to agree before hand, but we will be going through the process one way or another. I also realize that this will not erase him. I am all for an open adoption (as I've told her natural father before), as is my husband. We have both considered my daughters feelings in the matter and we will support her if she wants to have a relationship with her biological father, regardless of what my husband or I think. We both think that this is what's best for her, and I have actually gotten in contact with a lawyer in Hawaii, and will probably be going that route.
It sounds like you're going about this the right way. I only focus on that point of it, because I wish I'd had someone to tell me that years ago, instead of finding myself floundering years later, faced with the reality of it. It's not easy. The wounds run deep, the resentments still haven't faded, and the conflicts will exist to some degree, I imagine, for the rest of our lives.
But it was still important for us. Important for me to know that if something happened to my husband, I would have parental rights and our son would be secure with me with no one able to question or threaten that. Important for us to have my name on his birth certificate every time we had to turn one in for sports, passports, etc. Important for me to be able to give legal and medical consent. Important that his relationship to my family is legally recognized because he is part of us in the eyes of the government as well as in our hearts.
It was important, but it didn't erase her, and it took me years before I faced that and accepted it.
I hope that this works out for the best for all of you.
Your daughter can be adopted through Willful Failure-Meaning that the absent parent's consent is not required if that parent has both failed to support, and failed to communicate with, the child for at least a year, provided there is an order or agreement giving the custodial parent custody of the child. The step-parent has the burden of proving that these facts exist but no independent investigation of these facts is required, the testimony of the natural parent and stepparent will suffice. At that point, the burden is on the absent parent to show good reasons for the failure to support and communicate. If he or she does not or cannot provide a persuasive explanation, the requirement of consent will be dispensed with by the court, and the adoption will proceed as in an independent adoption. All this can be accomplished in one legal proceeding, with only one court hearing. Notice must be given to the absent parent.Basically you would just have to prove his lack of parenting. There is this [URL="http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/stepparent-adoption-a-resource-book/15460109?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1"]book[/URL] that focuses 2 chapters on Willful Failure and Failure to support your child.
You can get your ex on Abandonment. If the facts show that either failure to support or failure to communicate with the child for at least a year, but not both, it is still possible for a court to dispense with the requirement of the absent parents consent to the adoption because of abandonment, but the procedure is a little more complicated. In this instance, the law requires a Probation Department investigation and report concerning the absent parent's neglect of parental responsibilities. The court considers both the testimony of the parties to the adoption, and the findings of the probation investigation, in deciding whether the absent parent has abandoned the child.
This procedure requires two separate legal petitions, one to terminate parental rights and a second to adopt the child. Two separate court orders are required. Also, notice of the proposed adoption and termination of rights must be given not only to the absent parent, but to certain other relatives of that parent as well. Once the court decides that the absent parent abandoned the child, the matter proceeds as in an independent adoption.
In your case I would go to stepparent-adoption.org, they take you Step by Steo through the process and has Stepparent Adoption Laws for all 50 states. Its really a great site that has many resouces, one in particular Stepparent Adoption: A Resource Book By Wendelyn D. Osorio, this is a new and revised version of the previous book which is great and very helpful. I think this is you best bet!
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kjobie
This is going to be a long story...but here it goes...
In 2006, I had a daughter in Washington State. Her father and I were never married, and we, unfortunately, never went to court for custody. When my daughter was a year and a half old, I met and married my current husband. He is in the US Army, and we are currently stationed in Hawaii. My daughter lives with us in Hawaii, and her bio-dad is back in Washington.
Throughout her life, he has never had much to do with her...even when we lived in the same state. Him and his friends were always more important than our daughter. About a year ago, he was in a boating accident (because of his own drunken stupidity) and is currently paralyzed and in a wheel chair. He cannot physically take care of her (hence, why she lives with me and my husband), he doesn't, and has never supported her financially (except for the $33 a month she gets from his social security, which is a joke). He's never been there for her mentally or emotionally...she doesn't even refer to him as "daddy"...its "dad Brett". She's 5 now, and the last three and a half years have just proven to me that he has no business being a father...even though he is confined to a wheel chair, rarely leaves the house, and is online all day long, he hasn't spoken to her since before Christmas, and before that, the day I got home from the hospital with her sister (which was in September).
My husband, who my daughter refers to as daddy, has been absolutely amazing. He went from being single to a dad and husband in just a couple months. He does everything with my daughter and has truly outdone himself as a person. We've been married for 3 and a half years now, and we are still going strong.
My problem is this: I want to file for sole custody of my daughter and petition the courts to let my husband adopt her. I haven't found any helpful information about adoption in either Washington State or Hawaii, and I am not sure of the rules and laws and such that I need to follow....
If anyone can help me out, I would be so grateful. I am so sick and tired of my daughters biological father's lack of parenting for my daughter. He says he loves her, but actions speak louder than words...my husband has been more than an amazing father for her.
I will try to make this as short as possible.
I was divorced in Fl. have 2 great kids 11 & 8. My ex wife is remarried as well as I I have a new son and she has a new daughter.
My dughter emailed me last night stating she does not know me and only wants me to call her once a month(i usually call everyday) and i have not seen here in 4 yrs and she wants her step dad to adopt her.
Now I have not seen her for 4 yrs because with the amount of Child support taken from my check. (I make about 218.00 a week after child support) I can not fly or dirve down to florida and get a hotel while still supporting my child up here.
MY ex & I had a civil converstaion with her telling me she does not need my support because her & her new hubby are doing great. not in a mean way but she was kind of looking out for me.
So now I am in a moral dilema. I say to my self the following:
"the kids in fl want thier step-dad to adopt & that will make them happy so I should be a good dad & let them be happy"
" if he does adopt them will my ex just disconnect all the phones & not let me contact them anymore?"
"if he does adopt them I can provide a better life for my son in NY"
" if he does adopt them will myt kids in fl think i gave them up or abandoned them?"
" if I do not let him adopt them will my son up here think he is not important, and will my kids down in fl resent me for it."
I just dont know what to do & want some advice. My ex sadi if i do it she will not keep the kids away from me and let me see them if i do get a chance to go to FL and if they are in Ny she will bring them tome.
Please email or post any opinions or help
Thanks
JB
This is such a touchy subject for me because the Birth Mom in our situation was not really interested in our kids. She wanted arm candy, like kids to talk about, but not to raise, take care of, feed, clothe...
She decided to "let" me adopt them to get out of paying child support and dealing with weekly visitation. She didn't want to have them be a part of her real life, but expected that we would all drop everything for her anytime she had a whim.
As our kids had a small history with her,(M 4 ys, P 2 ys)
We tried to make this work, for our kids sake.
Bad idea... had to let this go a few months in. She refused to abide by our small rules( no car trips, no extra people, etc.) so we had to stop visitation.
BM did not seem to understand that I was now really "MOM". She was angry that she didn't have all the rights she gave up to get rid of child support.
Sadly, she seemed to think that she was afforded the rights of a full working "MOM", without doing a thing! No Laundry, no Homework, no Bedtime, no cuddles, no rules, no lectures, no worries...
I do not feel bad for "parents" who are not a part of their child's life. Adults can choose, kids can't.
I love my kids beyond the end and back. They are mine no matter what anyone says or does.