Cutting ties w/ birth mom....

I'm assuming her rights are terminated? I'm just a bit confused because you're saying you have legal placement of your daughter, not that you have legally adopted her yet... that's a big difference.

I had/have one of those pushy, clingy "other moms". What helped was creating super clear boundaries and sticking to them. I ignored contact that went above what was permitted. hang in there

Yes, birth mother has terminated her rights and we have legal placement. I failed to mention that this is the second child she has given up and she also had a son that was taken from her due to abuse. She has been offered counseling but does not want it. Throughout the course of our adoption, she has tried to extort us both emotionally and financially to the point where our attorney had to step in and tell her to stop. The birth mother also has a long history of being manipulative, which we did not learn until we were well into the process.

Thank you Wcurry66... yes, it's been an emotional roller coaster to say the least! The birth mother has even gone so far as to say "not that I ever would, but what would you do if I said I'm coming to take her away from you?". Like that didn't stop my heart right in its tracks! It's especially difficult since we have had the baby since the day she came home from the hospital. We are her mommy and daddy and the only ones she knows. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of compassion and respect for all birth mothers...it is truly the most unselfish act anyone could perform. However.....there ARE those instances (and I see we have both experienced them) where things go too far. I appreciate your input...it made me feel better!

Fran...we do have legal placement and all parental rights have been terminated. The adoption will be finalized on 10/3. We have had our daughter since birth and we are dealing with an unstable birth mother who is currently in prison. My question is when she does get out of prison and begins contacting us again, how do we respectfully and tactfully cut ties with her?

Glad you cleared that up about TPR. Does she know where you live? What does she know about you? You may find it hard to totally cut ties without causing problems if she is as unstable as you say and she knows where you live, your name etc. I am slightly confused about where you said she had seen the baby 6 times but that you didn't have an open adoption. I would have thought if she had seen the baby that would make it an open adoption? Is there a way you can make it semi-open, i.e. update her with photos and she can update you with photos but no contact? You may also need to say that as long as things are a certain way (i.e. with her current unstable attitude), you don't feel comfortable with your child having contact but that this could be reconsidered in the future if she changes her ways.

I know you are saying this out of a place of great kindness and are talking about those who have already relinquished so what I am about to say is not directed at you. However, the above statement is not something I would ever say to an expectant mom because if they are told that adoption is truly the most unselfish act they can perform, then they sometimes feel raising their child would be selfish. Again, I am not talking about all but there are definitely those that do feel that way.

You should put into written form what you want from her, expect from her and what you are willing to give. Not saying that she will be able to comprehend it or abide by it, but it gives you a solid basis for deciding what to do and she knows ahead of time what the consequences are for not abiding by the rules. Set out in a concise form the details of contact. As an example, you could say that she can call X times per week or month. Contact is based on the following rules: she can not be high on drugs or alcohol. She can not talk about X topics( such as taking the child). If she choooses to talk about forbidden topics, then personal contact will stop and the only contact will be through the mail. If she continues to contact you after that, you will take legal steps to bar her( as in a restraining order) When you write it out, both parties can see exactly what is expected and required. I completely understand the need to limit physical contact with her, but there may be a way to keep some contact so that our daughter will have at least that in the future. When we first adopted our DD( through foster care), we had a PO Box for contact. All correspondence went through the box. I sent pics and an update. We have since opened the adoption, but only because we developed a good relationship with the parents. That isn't always possible and it sounds like your situation isn't a good one.

I agree with Caddo. Put in writing what you are willing to do and then stick to it. I would offer her some form of contact that is not problematic for you such as letters and pics quarterly for the first 2 years and then yearly thereafter. TO stop if a letter is ever returned to you until she provides you a new address and a PO box for her to write to you that you agree to check on the same schedule. Or you could agree to set up an email account and email her updates on a schedule. Agree to be avaialbe physical visit for a certain amount of time at a nuetral location if that's acceptable to you. I would just stress that you want to feel good about how you handle this when you explain it to your daughter when she is an adult (or teen).

I deal with two unstable birthmoms, a birthdad that comes and goes and two more "birthdads" where we don't even know which one is REALLY our sons father, between them, they don't have jobs, they are in and out of prison, they deal with extreme mental illness, addiction, and not to mention two of them caused life altering brain damage to my son. I have contact with all of them, on some level. I would encourage you to keep contact. Even if its just pictures and letters. It is a rare case that an adopted child doesn't wonder, dream and wish to meet their birthparents some day, or at least know things about their background. I would not give that opportunity up. Like Nevada Jen says... I try to think down the line to what I will tell them when they ask if I know who their birthparents are... so I try to keep a delicate balance with the right level of contact for each individual birth parent.

Setting boundaries or a contract wont work w/ her. She will throw a fit and say that we don't trust her. She in reality...once she gets out of prison, all she's going to care about is finding drugs. She was on heroin the first 2 months (reportedly) she was pregnant w/ our daughter. Thankfully, the baby was not born w/ drugs in her system. I refuse to expose my child to her...so I need a tactful way to slowly cut ties while she's currently in prison.

Here is my concern - and know I am coming from a position of someone who has 4 kids who each have addicts for biological parents, who deals with incarcerated birth parents, kids who were abused by birth parents etc - Did you not know all of this BEFORE choosing to adopt her baby and her expecting an open adoption?? Honestly, I am not sure that you are going to find a group of people that are "ok" with you cutting ties when you haven't tried some of the very good suggestions on this thread in response to your question - especially when you only adopted a short time ago, her circumstances haven't really changed, and she has the expectation of an open adoption. If you are wanting simply support for cutting ties than that is different than coming here and wanting some ideas on how to make the relationship safe, and acceptable for #1) the child and #2) your family and #3) the biological mom. We have managed to maintain acceptable and reasonable open adoptions in some really difficult situations and with some really difficult people - and honestly, now that my older kids are teenagers I am SO Thankful that we have had years and years of navigating this so we werent dealing with a mystery. So that I can look into my kids eyes and they KNOW I tried the very best I could - so that the realities of their birth family are difficult - but they are not a fantasy or a mystery or a detraction from our relationship at all. I have a copy of our openness agreement with our daughter's birth mom on my blog if you are interested. She was incarcerated when she signed it ... and is actively addicted still ... but yesterday we had a birthday party for our daughters and she attended and it was a pleasant experience for all of us. BOUNDARIES - safety plans -- and an understanding that even if you can't have personal contact for whatever reason, you can still maintain your own integrity. Every good relationship starts with respect ... and I have found the more I treat our kids' birth parents the way I wish I would be treated in their shoes, they treat me exactly the way I want to be treated in my shoes (and in the end it benefits our kids). You can't be upset with her violating your boundaries if you have never spent the time to share those boundaries and expectations with her.

Thanks Jen...it was good to hear. No we have never set up boundaries...mostly out of fear because she is so manipulative. Can I send her and agreement now even though the adoption wont be "final" until October?? Could that provoke her to fight it even though she has no money and no means for an attorney?

Ask your lawyer if her consent is irrevocable, and I think setting up your expectations clearly and in writing is ok - honestly, it will be the best for all of you if she knows EXACTLY when to expect contact (for example, you can set up an email schedule and a visit schedule) and what your boundaries are - no threatening contact, no visits while high etc.For example - our girls birth mother knows she can't show up for visits high or having used. So yesterday she didn't use all day - and showed up appropriate for the party. She was able to stay for an hour, but then knew she was "tweaking" a bit and she graciously thanked us, said goodbye to the girls and our family and left. That's ok. I have some really awesome pics of all of us together ... the girls will know she came, and she was perfectly appropriate in our presence. I really do not care what she does away from us, as long as it doesnt affect our kids. And she, in all honesty, has paid the highest price possible for her addiction and I have benefited in the greatest way possible from her addictions (a sad way to look at it but somewhat true). ... I really do feel that positive contact can only benefit our kids. NOW if she was inappropriate at visits, rude or disrespectful to us, mean, nasty, threatening or high ... that would be a COMPLETELY different story. But she isnt - she is great and I am thankful. AND she is thankful she gets to be part of our lives too.

I second Jensboys advice. I, too, share the mother title with a manipulative addict, ex-felon with some mental issues. Its hard at first, but once she realizes the alternative - that you have 'nothing" to lose by cutting ties and she has evrything to lose, She'll fall in line. I can PM you a copy of out OA if that'll help