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I have a problem. I save everything and rarely throw anything away. i have most all of the things from when my kids were an infant and toddler and lived with their birthfamily. The birthparents had multiple problems drugs mental and devel disablities. The kids were removed during domestic violence and placed with the maternal grandparents. They inturn had health problems and turned them over to county foster care with the agreement to have a say in the adoptive parents.
We had a good relationship with the grandparents that I call the GPs. the GP had visits and sent cards and letters and gifts with photo and holidays.
The father had a TPR for abandonment and only said at one court appearance that the kids were in a good place with the fosterparents.
The birthmother largely delt with mental health problems and i am not sure she fully understands adoption and that we are not sitters until age 21 or something like this.
We had a post adoption contact agreement which was problematic in that she did not keep the agreement and the therapist recommended again visits in the best interest of the children.
Although visits never happened I have two types of letters that came to the po box and have all of them.
The first is grandparent mail with birthday cards and holiday cards and updates on the health issues ect. We had a problem with the GP sending messages from the birthmother in their letters and we set up boundaries of the letters being from them about them and for the children.
The birthmother did not send her address and did not send mail in a time frame to have visits. We wrote back and explained about the therapist not recoomending visits and how the kids were doing ect. We sent phots and report cards during this time even though she did not send anythign that i would consider "friendly" correspondence.
To make a long story short we had to go back to court about the visits. It was terrible in that the law guardian and judge all told her it was not in the kids best interest for various reasons.
We agreed to try friendly correspondence and photo exchange and she "fell off the map".
I was disappointed as I checked the po box and when the grandprents past i closed it.
I have 10 letters and holiday cards from the grandparents that I have saved
I have 3 letters from the birthmother and they are all identical demanding visits after the agreement was nullified and have an angry sound to them with with "my" in bold and huge explanation marks after each sentence. They are not cards or letter and do not have photos ect. But do have requests for things to be sent to 3rd party even though the court said this is a no no. In one of the letter there is a PS about how big are the kids and how are they in school.
The fourth letter came the day before christmas and was a copy of the enfordement petition.
So these letter are about two years old and we have stopped receiving anything from her.
I send photos and cards every mothers day onces a year to last known address.
So I guess my question is about those angry letters and enforcement petition. I hoped for a nice card or birthday holiday or nice note to save for them but dont have it. technically the demanding letters are for us adoptive parents. I havent figuired out if i should save them for them to read in the future or what. Hopefully someone out there in the adoption world has recieved angry letters from birthparents with mental health problems.
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It is my personal opinion you should make available everything you have to your child, in an age appropriate manner, of course. I think anything you can save for them, should be. They need to piece things together for themselves and it you don't provide them all the tools, even MORE will be missing. I adopted from foster care so my kids will know the not-so-nice things when they read their files someday. A few nasty letters are nothin'. :)
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ScrapMonkey
It is my personal opinion you should make available everything you have to your child, in an age appropriate manner, of course. I think anything you can save for them, should be. They need to piece things together for themselves and it you don't provide them all the tools, even MORE will be missing. I adopted from foster care so my kids will know the not-so-nice things when they read their files someday. A few nasty letters are nothin'. :)
MamaS
I agree with ScrapMonkey. The truth and the whole truth - even if it hurts.
Adoptivemomlaurac
I havent figuired out if i should save them for them to read in the future or what.
I have read all the comments and I do agree that these need to be saved for when the kids ask the details of why the birthparents were unable to parent them. I have alot of legal documents that I am retaining as well as the TPR and Enforcement Petition regaridng the visits and Law Guardian report where the kids are interviews and she presented why it was not in their best interest. The report explained how even years later my oldest adopted as a toddler was afraid to see her again.
They should be saved even though they are letter to the adoptive parents from the birthmother because even how crazy and angry even despite that the fact is that she asked to see them. The fact that she didnt understand that she couldnt just pop up after an agreement was null and void and demand visits does not change the fact that she asked.
Would I rather of had a "friendly" correspondence? yes. But I dont. I dont have a nice, sweet anything to give them. that is the reality. Sad truth. But I think it is important that they get the whole truth. The letters were used in court and attached as exhibits by her (the birthmom) and that is how they will be presented to the kids when it is time to talk about it. In the context that it happened. such as birthmom wanted visits(letters), the therapist said this (letters), the law guardian said this (report) and this is what the judge said (order). Unfortunately she never sent anything after. Wish me luck because i dont know how you get through telling kids all these composite multiple reasons why a county terminates parental rights. they are not 'nice' documents.
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From an adoptees point of view, I'd say please save everything.
My amother threw a whole draw of my bmothers letters away, it broke my heart at the time.
As I've found files and info out, the bad news has been as useful and healing as the good. The truth is what is important, no matter how unpleasant.
I had angry letters from a birth mother with mental health problems who had been TPR'd for abandonment. One was railing at us and full of insults and accusations of a vast conspiracy against her. The other was a jaw-dropping declaration NOT to call her if J ever needed medical help or information, that she NEVER wanted to hear from him, was ashamed of him and that we could "keep that one."
I would NEVER have showed them to him when he was a minor, when he was angry or not in a good place emotionally. But when he was no longer a minor, in a good place and had an open heart to potentially start fresh with her, he did get them, along with everything we had. The whole story.
A few things:
- Those things were not her "forever feelings"- they were written in anger and lashing out at being judged to have abandoned her child and being told the pros found her unstable and recommended adoption by me. That obviously stung very deeply. She was lashing out in pain and anger, and even when she said "never" and "ever", ultimately it's not the truth of how she feels about him. It's how she feels when she's angry and hurt.
- Those things that weren't pretty were the things that helped him make sense and finally truly understand why she had never been in his life and he had only ever been raised with his father's family (and later, mine). Those were the things that provided the Aha moment. All the ambiguous neutral answers we had given, hadn't helped him really understand the WHY. Those letters did.
- They were PART of the story of him and her, not the whole story. There were other better parts before that, and after that. They are a manifestation of the mental illness and an example of why an 18-yr old boy was given sole custody of a baby. But by themselves, they don't give the whole picture and we had to help supply the WHOLE picture (that we had on paper- the real whole picture is only by him knowing her), not just the pretty parts or just the ugly parts.
I agree keep them but only bring them forward when the child is old enough. I never told my child about the birth mother or the neglect and abuse she suffered at her hands when she was a child or even in to adolescence when she was worked hard at vilifying me. When she would ask me, I told her we would talk about it when she was a grown up because right now there was way to much to think about.
If she ever asks me anything (after she was an adult) I would only answer what she asked. She is 35 now. She has only asked a few questions but never what really happened.
It's best that way. In the meantime, I have the letters and the paperwork and the scrapbooks. It's all there if she ever asks
Yet another vote to save them all. It might be hard to tell when is the right time to show the letters, but it may be wise to do so before there is any chance of direct contact. It would definately help for a more informed decision on whether contact should be welcomed. And how you present them will speak volumes to your child and could serve to strengthen your relationship even more. Tell them that you want to be honest with them. Tell them you are afraid what you are about to show them will hurt them. Tell them that people can change over the years but that they don't always. You don't want them to hear a completely different version from her first and then have to try to explain the truth to them afterwards.
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