Suggested reading for My Wife

What a tough question and I think it would be answered differently based on how much of your feelings you have shared with her about how you feel about being adopted...if you have been open and have felt strongly about the loss of your family of origin then The Primal Wound and followup book would be good for her to understand your inner thoughts. If you have been reserved then open the door with Being Adopted by Brodzinsky. I have not read two of the books but know they are highly recommended. Perhaps Betty Jean Liftons book would give a good understanding of how living your life not knowing impacts you as she was one of the very first to search and write her experiences. I am not sure on the reunion book if it is solely for the adoptee or inclusive. I think the most important things for her to know is that a) it becomes almost an obsession during the actual search and contact/reunion starts with a honeymoon stage and that is pretty standard across the board so if you act that way it's normal and if she feels left out she can come hang out here, and b) that it is hard for those who did not grow up knowing they have two sets of parents to wrap their minds around how mind-bending it really is and the need to know that never quite goes away despite how fulfilled a life is. Disclaimer - yes there are adoptees who never feel the need... Good luck,Dickons

Dickons, Thank you for the input. I have been open and honest with my wife about my adoption and feelings, but, I have always known of my adoption and even though it was easy to dicuss growing up, we didn't talk about it much beyond about 10 or 11 years old, maybe earlier. So, unless something is actively bugging me, we don't talk that much about it. When I was in counseling a few years ago and I began realizing just how many issues I had festering due to being adopted, she and I talked about it a fair amount, but she truly just can't understand what i mean and what I am feeling. Is the Coming Home to Self the follow up to The Primal Wound or is there another book as a good recommended follow up. My wife would read 100 books if i asked her to on this subject, but I don't want to burden her with 5 books right off the bat. I have a very obsessive personality and truly get "all or nothing" and we know this will exaggerate honeymoon feelings if my attempt for reunion is successful. I will ask her to read the reunion book (or at least chapters from it) after she gets a baseline. Thanks again for the input.Jonathan

Jonathan, Coming home to self is the follow up book. The Primal Wound should provide her with context as they relate to the issues you explored in counseling and what the deep desire to have contact really means. Have you read it? It really opened my eyes to the different paths each of us follow and how we relate things back...it amazed me... Brodzinsky really breaks it down how adoption keeps cropping up in all stages of life and I found the mid life chapters especially relevant simply because that is where I am... Consider telling her that you would be completely open to joint counseling if she feels the need during your search and hopefully reunion - gives her a way to say - okay I need help now. How are you going to search - is the state you were born in open? have you done any of that research? D

This is an info sheet from PARC NSW specifically for partners of adoptees. [url]http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/IS19_Partners_of_Adoptees_201006052.pdf[/url]

I have not read any of the five books I listed yet. I have done a fair amount of counselling with someone who is a speciallist with adoption issues. The only book I have read is 20 things adoptees wish their parents knew, and that was primarily for working on the strained relationship I had with my aparents, but also ended up opening my eyes to things I hadn't thought of and helped in the counseling. My wife and I have already been to marriage/couples counseling, which is how we learned just how deep rooted some of my issues are tied back to my adoption. I will make sure she is clear that I am more than willing to go back to counseling as needed. We had a GREAT marriage counselor as well. I was born in Texas in 1971 and have done very little research. I was adopted through Catholic Charities. I am going through the adoption agency now on my search attempt and have a post adoption case worker that seems very helpful and willing to help. All the paperwork is filled out and current, I have my letter to my birth mother ready, and my pre-contact counseling was completed and signed off today. I hope this way works as I know it has for many, but I also know others that this search did not go very far. If I hit a wall with this effort, I will not give up and will start persuing other avenues. Any direct links for searching in Texas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Jonathan

In regards to your letter to your birthmother, if you ever want an opinion on it, the birthmothers on here can give you an insight into what they would think of it in the same position. I just say this because sometimes there are certain phrases that adoptees use when they plan on making contact which can actually end up causing their birthmother unintentional pain. I am sure though that you have got it just right :)

Thanks caths, I have printed this out and will give it to her tonight. Great two page summary. Jonathan

Thanks again caths. I already have a thread going about "opinions of my first letter." Of coursem teh way CC ism teh first letter is a bland form letter stating call us. Then a conversation between her and CC, and preparation that a heartfelt letter is being sent, and THEN the letter is sent. Maybe the section I posted didn't hit the majority of the birth parents, but it looked like the most appropriate place where I put it. I will take all the input I can get on the letter as I am really toiling over it, BUT, I want to make sure I care for and do not neglect my wife or kids doing so. Thanks, Jonathan

Sorry, Jonathan, I didn't realise you had already posted another thread. Good luck whatever happens and keep us all updated.