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Originally Posted By Kris
Well, I did not come to this message board to put anyone down,or to be put down.I also didn't realize,by writing in here,I would be graded on my very bad spelling.I came in here for info.Befor I would give a full explaination for my statement,I had to make sure the family member involved would be o.k with me doing so.First, I shouldn't have made the comment about how I thought b-moms in open adoptions want their cake and eat it too without explaining why I thought this.Well,this is why.One of my family members had adopted a little girl.She decided,out of presure,to have an open adoption.She had met the b-mom,and it seemed to be all right.Then she started getting phone calls from the b-mom,saying she'll be right over to see the baby.That went on,on a weekly basis for 6 weeks.Then the b-mom started showing up at the stores she shopped at.It just kept getting worse from there.The b-mom thought it was her right to see the baby when she wanted because it was an OPEN adoption.She made life hell for the a-parents.They ended up back in court to try and work something out.Because of the b-mom actions,the judge ordered a CLOSED adoption from that day on.I know not all b-moms would go to this extreme.But I have friends who also have had many problems with the b-moms in open adoptions thinking they had the right to intrude when ever they wanted.I know this may be the "not-norm".But I will never understand what the b-moms go through,I have never been in their shoes.But,thats the same for the b-moms will never understand what the a-moms go through.Again, if I offended anyone,I am sorry for that.That was not my intention for coming in here.Many of you have offered me alot of good advice,thank you.Also, some,a few,have offered their rude and off base comments, to you,I hope you get over all your anger towards people.There are alot of people in this world,they do not have the same beliefs as you.That does not mean that their beliefs are wrong.Nor should they be bashed for that.
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Originally Posted By Shannon (Tyler'sBmom8-31-2000)
Kris,
I agree that no one should be bashed for their beliefs. I tried in my response to you not to offend or hurt your feelings in any way. I only disagreed and tried to offer suggestions. I am very sorry if anything I said did offend you at all. Love and hugs, Shannon
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Originally Posted By dawn
you have offended some people in a very deep way and your supposed apology just doesn't sound very sincere. no one is trying to give you ahard time and sometimes it is hard to think of the a parents feelings because they are raising the baby that came from us.we are left with nothing and a fat tummy !!!!. i dont think you have thought your feelings thru very well. not all birthmoms are like the ones you mentioned,i certainluy am not. i signed papers giving up my rights and i respect that. if they want contact, i am here, but until that time, i respect my decision and their privacy. i still dont think you should be given a child and i feel sorry for a child placed with you, if you are being sincere. if you are, then God bless you and good luck, but remember that child had his or her biological roots with a mother who misses that child and thinks of him or her everyday.we are not being rude by any stretch of the imagination, just hurt that you can be so calous.
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Originally Posted By bmother
Did these bmothers that you have mentioned reciave any counseling before & after the birth ? There are certain boundries that bmothers need to learn not to cross .Sounds like these bmothers have crossed some boundry lines. Woman need to learn how to be bmothers.They need professional counseling & support groups that are run by bmothers in open adoptions. The best advise that I have is for you to make sure that your childs bmother gets support before & after the birth. She also needs to read up allot about open adoption so that she can learn how to establish trust with you & your family.
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Originally Posted By bina
We adopted a wonderful newborn son on June 14 in an open adoption. Felt very close to the bmom and her family... through the pregnancy and delivery.
The bmom came to visit three times the first three weeks... the visits were great.
Then she called and no showed three timesin a row. She called this week and said she wanted to visit and would call the next day and didnt.
We didn't make a formal contact plan b/x she said she liked it to be more spontaneous.
I miss her and would like to see her. I'm sure she is going through a lot of feelings and I would like to offer her some support.
At the same time, I'm a little sad and maybe even angry at her thoughtlessness. As the baby gets older, I don't want him to have the experience of looking forward to seeing her and having her flake out on him.
I don't want to set this kind of precedent even now.
I respect the bmom, and know she is young ( 18 )and perhaps not all that mature. But what, if anything, should I do or say?? Should my husband and I just roll with it and see what happens or say/do something?
Any ideas would be very appreciated.
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Originally Posted By Andy
I know what you are going through, we were open to alot of contact/visits from bmom + her family, now we haven't seen her since the boy's rurned 1 (Feb.21) and she only called once since than ~May20. Whenever she does want to see them it is more or less from one day to the next, which makes it difficult for us, but we have been available whenever she wanted to come, and even waited or changed plans when she said she would come and didn't. I wish I could give you any advice, I guess all we can do is hope for them to keep in touch so that the children will have a chance to get to know bmom (at this time we don't have a phone # or anything so we can't reach her). I try not to feel to bad about it for our boy's and just hope that they will know that we all Love them very much. Good luck
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Originally Posted By Cynic
Ask her why she cancelled all those times. The reasons could be anything from not knowing how to emotionally deal with it or having to work or just a lack of concern. The point is that you won't know until you ask, once she tells you why maybe something could be done to change the precedent that is beginning.
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Originally Posted By amanda
i'm new at all of this.but when you decided to adopt someones child that's exactly what you did.even though you get the child is there anything wrong the the birthmother wanting to make sure that they did the right thing. i'm having twins and it's not so much having to be involved as it is Needing to know that my children are in a better home than i could give them.whether or not it's a financial issue or a stability in the home issue.it's a going to bed at night and not having doubts you did the right thing issue.my biggest fear is adopting my children out them having an unhealthy home life. and i personally think that is as far as being involved the bm should be if it goes further than the childs best interests should always be put first and they probably aren't and that is truly sad
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Originally Posted By bina
Well if your going to bring up this kid, & do it right,
I think you need to thik of how what she's doing will affect him in the future! If anything you should present your conserns to the bmom. If you don't think that that is helping, you could offer to pick her up, or more drasticly you could set a date, time, & place to meet her once a year. That way she wouldn't be able to refuse. If all else fails, you could change names, move, & severe all other connections w/ the bmom.
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Originally Posted By Emma
Kris,
The women you mentioned sound like they did not receive any counseling before they placed. Everyone involved in an adoption needs counseling about how things should work once the adoption takes place. You need counseling to get a better idea of what the birthmom will go through and how keeping the relationship honest and open is beneficial to the child. And the birthmom needs counseling on how handle post-adoption contact and how to examine her feelings about the pregnancy.
Frankly, I hate that so many adoptive parents choose open adoption because they think it's the only way they will get a baby and they know they can close it as soon as they get custody. That's what happened to me. If had visited some of these boards before my child was born and seen how so many people treat birthmoms, I would have never handed over my daughter. No, we would not have been wealthy by any means, but I would be raising my child instead of not even knowing where she is. While I know that some adoptive parents truly are wonderful people and they are acting in the best interests of all parties involved, too many are simply saying whatever they think is necessary to get a baby and then turning on the birthparents.
I just hope that someday my daughter and I are able to find each other, and I can tell her the truth -- that I did not stop contact with her, that I wanted and loved her very much, and the adoptive parents violated the trust I placed with them.
I do not think, Kris, that you have a very realistic view of what open adoption is supposed to be, and I hope you get some counseling and talk to a lot of birthmoms before you adopt.
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