When your kiddos misbehave in public...

I do but I've done this in the past. So now, when I see kiddos not behaving, I don't automatically go to "it's the fault of the parent". I wonder if the child is foster; if there's been trauma; if there is RAD involved.

Since I'm a behavior analyst, I have spent a LOT of time in public working with kids and adults who have behavior problems and often do so in public. These things don't phase me much... but there was one time when my two year old (at the time) son had a complete meltdown and I had to carry him out to the car while he was kicking and screaming. I felt judged, but more like because I was wondering if people thought I was kidnapping him. That is one of those times when transracial adoption is hard.

Not at all! I figure a lot of people have kids and they should understand that kids of a certain age are simply impossible sometimes! I don't think of the race issue at all.

I do. If S has a meltdown and both of us are there I feel the stares more so than if its just she and I. Thankfully we don't have lots of them but yes I feel it.

I don't know what you all are talking about. My kids never have meltdowns in public. :)HAHAHAHAHAHA funny. My 18 mo old is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with in public. He despises sitting in the cart at the store, but walking is not an option. Screams and yells and tries to flip himself out, stands up even though he's buckled in...I do feel like we get "extra" judged sometimes just because we stand out. And honestly, it causes me to handle it with a bit more grace, knowing we are being watched. That makes me sound horrible, but it's just...I'm aware that I'm being watched, so I can force myself to be a bit more calm than I sometimes am at home. Since I'm obviously not the perfect mom.

Oh, that I had only had to do that once!!! :o Jen, when you describe P, he reminds me a bit of D. I think temperamentally, they seem similar. Very active, very adventurous, very strong opinions about things!! When D was 2, I almost always carried him out of places crying because he NEVER wanted to leave, even when he was tired. (And if he was tired, the meltdowns were fairly spectacular!) I had to try to just deal with D and not worry too much about what people were thinking. We were in a music class that D loved, but I was aware every week that I spent a lot more time managing my child's behavior than any other mom there. More than one mom commented, "Boy, he really has a lot of energy!" or "Good for you for keeping up with him!" Not the kind of complements you love to get, you know? The thing is, I "get" D and his behavior rarely frustrated me. I knew what to expect and what he could handle, so if we had a great time and I had to carry him out screaming . . . oh well. It was the audience much more than the behavior that got me and I KNOW that it bothered me more because we were already more conspicuous. It is hard when you stand out. I am more self-conscious because we are more visible and as a gay mom and an obviously adoptive family, I feel like we are more under a microscope. I'm also more self-conscious when we are in a place where there are few other Black children, because I'm always aware of the stereotypes of Black boys being more trouble. I don't want D viewed through that lens. My partner is even more aware of it than I am. I think she finds the potential judgment harder to deal with than I do. Three is so much easier!! It's wonderful to be able to take my son places now and have him stay with me, hold my hand when I ask him, say please and thank you, leave without a tantrum! It feels like a minor miracle! :)

I have felt it. And I have been asked out right if Cam is my kid, in that tone, while she's arching her back/kicking/flailing her arms/and head-butting me. :grr: "Um, no. Not mine at all, I just thought she was cute and spirited, so I grabbed her." WTF?!? Not once, as a nanny, or sitter of many kids, was I ever asked "is she yours?" when a kid was losing their s*&t. Maybe my antenna is "up" since adopting transracially, but I don't think so.

I have had a cowboy boot flung at my head in the middle of a bookstore during a screaming tantrum. Once, I carried my son out to the car when he pitched a tantrum at the store. Once I had him strapped into his car seat, as soon as I turned around he flung the car door open. I closed it, turned around and he flung it open again. After the fifth time I was at my wits end and ready to cry. A very kind woman came up to me and said, "you know that you have child proof doors?" and she showed me the switch so that he couldn't open the door again. After I thanked her she said, "We have all been there at least once." So I try to make a point of offering help or at least empathy whenever I see a mom with a tantruming child. We've all been there.