Relationship boundries

Relative adoption is so difficult because the boundary line can be a bit blurry. My situation is a bit different from you, because my nephew was removed by CPS and both Mom and Dad were TPR'd. However, it doesn't stop my brother from sending emails to my mother (from the public library, he is homeless in another county) threatening that he will never 'allow' K to think of us as his parents and he (my brother) is the real Dad and we are not, yadda yadda. (Meanwhile, he has never even laid eyes on K, 2.5 yo, he left when K was in utero) Right now, because of the dangerous nature (mental health issues and drug addiction) of both K's parents, the court has a no-contact order. We raise K as our son and he calls us Mom and Dad. When the day comes (fingers crossed) that his Mom gets healthy, clean and sober and K wants to visit/meet her again, I will manage if he wants to call her Mom. She is. A different type of Mother than I am, will have been to him. But, she is his Mother - she gave birth to him. However, if my brother gets clean and sober, he will be back in the picture and 'in' our lives in a way that K's Mom will never be. My brother and I share a mother - he will be at family gatherings, weddings, weekend visits to my Mom. I agree with you that constantly hearing K call him Dad might rub me the wrong way. I can promise my husband won't be happy with it. I assume I would encourage 'Uncle' as well. Once K is adopted by us, then in the eyes of the law we are his Mom and Dad. That would, essentially, make my brother the 'Uncle'. The only advice I can give is try to stay flexible. In the end, if all of this works out the way you hope - YOU will have the baby. You will adopt and you will be the day-to-day Mom. That is a lot - and holding onto the title of Mom may be the only thing that your sister has right now. And from my life experiences - the word Mom doesn't mean much ... the actions of a Mom do. Your child could call 10 people Mom, but he/she will know who their caretaker is at the end of the day. I know when you are wanting a child in your life, though, that title holds a lot of importance and can seem impossible to share. Good Luck - nothing is easy about relative placement.

Its good that she's getting counseling. It sounds like she hasn't fully accepted your vision of the relationship, post adoption. Or perhaps she's not ready to give up being the mom. I think I mentioned this before, but she might change her mind at the last minute. it happens. From your perspective, its important to be prepared for any outcome. Unlike other failed adoptions, the BP doesn't drop out of your life. If she does decide to go through with the placement, you need to sit down to clearly spell out your vision of life, post adopt. It might be that she doesn't understand your concerns. If you get stuck, a professional mediator can help. like my gal pal, J's BM and my cousin insist on clinging to their former title (DD was taken from them at a young age). It used to bother me. The longer we're together, its clear J's not confused. My role is clear. It does sound like you're getting a clearer picture of kinship adoption. there's very little "clear" and neat. But it can be worth it good luck and hang in there!

I think I feel that we should have very clear boundaries from the beginning so the child will feel stability and know that she is a part of our family. I want the best for this child. I also think it will be easier for my sister to move on with her life and continue recovering and getting on her feet if she is the baby's "aunt"- which she will be-legally. I just want to treat this like my own child and am trying to go about it in the healthiest way possible. I have spoken with a few specialists and they have agreed with me about these boundaries. I really do think I am doing the right thing. I just hope my sister can come to terms and we can all work together in a positive way.

Also it was suggested we have a post adoption contract, any advise on those?

I think its great that both of you had a clear understanding before agreeing to the adoption.I also think it is very natural for your sister to struggle with the concept of being her daughter's aunt. Since the little one isn't here,the wait opens possibilities for doubt.All I can say is that your sister's thoughts are unsettling but also very normal.Perhaps she will have to wrestle with the conditions of the adoption for sometime before she can accept reality.Give her time and space,but stay firm on your adoption plan. For our part,we never discouraged them from using the parent title with their biological relatives.They refer to her as mama Susy when they talk to other people about her,but since they met her they decided on their own to call her only Susy.They're young and just beginning to understand adoption.They met their mother only a few weeks ago but we do believe their spontaneous decision not to call her mama to her face is very telling of their desire to understand things and assign titles on their own terms. I'm only saying this because in the long run,your little girl will make her own choices and understand her family regardless of what you or your sister teach her. I understand that this is a contentious subject and a very painful one,but at least from experience, things will fall into place on their own as the baby grows up. For now, yes, it is great your sister has someone to talk to and that the conditions were discussed honestly from the very beginning. Keep it up! You will get through this.

honestly, when I was where you are now, I totally sweated the titles as well. Now, they mean nothing. Kids know where they belong I pm'd you about the OA contract

Honestly I would NOT put together any type of written agreement. If you choose to not allow visits with her then you will be bound to that agreement. My SIL was (and probably still is) a drug abuser. She went back to a man that sexually abused our daughter and physically abused her to the state that she was hospitalized. She to this day says she wants back with him even though he's currently in prison serving a 10 yr sentence from shooting at a police officer. I made it clear to her when we adopted that she was going by OUR rules, not what she thought our rules were but by what they were. We discussed 2 phone calls a year and photos twice a year. She lives in another state so constant contact is not an issue. We let her know if we felt she was saying or writing something to our daughter inappropriately then we would limit or cut contact out. She did fine the first year or so but we had major issues after that. We tried to keep contact with my SIL (daughters biomom) but after some calls that were inappropriate with our daughter we told her that we didn't feel that it was positive for that contact. Now my SIL thinks we quote "hate her" and she left me a message on my cell phone VM saying "I know you hate me and don't want to hear from me but I just wanted to tell you that pretty soon you'll be very happy! My daughter will always know how to reach me!" and left it at that. I don't know what that means but we haven't gotten a call or anything from her since then and that was 2 yrs ago. It's hard to set boundaries when you are family but remember that child is your child and you are the Mom which means you need to make sure what is positive for that child is what happens...Don't be afraid to set boundaries now so she's clear what they are. Since I'm not related to her biomom it makes it easier for me to set strong boundaries (bmom is hubbys half sister). It also helps that our entire family supports us in everything we do in regards to bmom. Hopefully going thru counseling will help her. She needs to know what the boundaries are and is it possible you could go to a counseling session to discuss them? At least then it's in a setting where nobody will get out of hand.

Thank you everyone for your feed back. I am taking everything into consideration and I will give you all an update when I have one. I do feel very good about the boundaries I am setting and only want for this child to have a good life and not have to question her family relationships. I really do hope everything goes smoothly as I love my sister tremendously, but I know I will always put my relationship as mother before that of sister- that is my obligation.

Let her talk...don't agree or disagree. ......after the baby is adopted, do what you want. She will have no say...if she wants to be called mom, she needs to keep the baby, not put the baby up for adoption.

Intrafamily adoptions are soo hard. I don't envy your position. I too hope that the counseling will help her to accept and learn her role in your new family. I would just keep firm that this child will be your baby, that's the way you agreed for it to go. You may need to walk away if it doesn't happen.

When a parent gives up their child, they not only give up the tough parts (responsibility for caring for, diapers, tears, late nights and cough syrup), they also give up the other parts, like being called 'momma'. It is so selfish to think that one can pick and choose the parts of raising a child that suits their schedule. And, sometimes relatives think that by virtue of being a relative that their family will enable them to do just that; shirk their responsibility and yet still get the greatest gifts of parenthood. As a parent, when you become your child's mother, one of your first priorities is to protect your child emotionally, not your relative. That was a tough lesson for me to learn, the importance of putting my child's very real emotional needs over those of 'adult' relatives. Perhaps this won't be the same in your case, but in mine, the bio-parent felt comfortable coming and going because they knew the child was in goodhands. This caused terrible problems. For one, my then three year-old would have a difficult time when we get voicemail for weeks on end when we call this person who was on a pedestal by virtue of a title. It made attachment difficult, it was confusing to family, you name it. You can have lots of family, but your mom is the one who tucks you in at night and is ready to take on the fun and not-so-fun responsibility. The one really nice thing was getting that birth certificate in the mail, and in the space that says, Mom, is MY name.

I also got my son via my sister in law... He was taken away from them and then ultimately TPR'd. In the begining they were very agreeing to me having him, but once they realized that the state was not giving them anymore time to get their case plans done, things got ugly. I was told that I was not his mom and I never would be and blah blah blah.. When things got bad is when I cut off contact.. He is 4 yrs old now and they have not had any contact with him since he was 6 months old. I recently sent her a message on facebook asking her if she wanted to write my son a letter for him to read when he was old enough to understand the situation, but I also offered her the opportunity to ask any questions she wanted about him but I made it very clear that it needed to be understood that I was his mother now and I made all the decisions for him and that needed to be respected. She agreed to that and wrote him a very simple (and pathetic) letter for him to read when he is older and I hope that will be the last contact we have with her... So I can understand your situation and my advice would be to be very clear and very firm with her on your decisions. Good luck!