When someone opens up the adoption

Well put and I also think that is SO true! I wonder why also. What an interesting thought to start a thread about! I look forward to answers from all people in the triad. In my own experience, I (as the adoptive parent) am still securing my role as "mom", whereas bmom first had and always will have her title/"rights" as a mom. So I can see why others might see the aparents opening up the relationship to mean that they are secure in their parental roles enough to include the bfamily, whereas the bfamily opening up the relationship could be seen as regret of "losing" their child. I really think it is a security issue on the aparents side (unless of course the bfamily is unhealthy or dangerous.) Looking forward to hearing what others think that I have never considered or thought of! Great thread!

I think part of the problem is that there are forever going to be perceptions that first moms have a lot of problems that can't be overcome. Sure there were problems that led us to choose adoption but a lot of us move past them and do some pretty awesome things with our lives. So when we want to open an adoption everyone is concerned about who we are and our motives. Lifetime movie of the week stereotypes still hang around, even in adoption land. We are crazy *** stalkers looking to get our kids back or something. There are always threads about what first parents' motives are when they contact adoptive parents, but very rarely do I see adoptive parents' motives questioned if they attempt to contact first parents who requested no contact. So often they are spoken of as though they are angels while first parents' attempts are seen as manipulative or worse. The other thing I see a lot of is that adoptive parents think that first parents receive more education about OA than I think many of us do. There are plenty of women who are contemplating adoption who get OA dangled in front of them as a carrot, that doesn't mean they get taught the ins and outs. It means they get told the benefits for them, but no one really covers the benefits for the kids. I think a lot of people who choose adoption also have pretty low feelings of self worth at that time in their life and some have those feelings for many many years after, some their whole lives. It is pretty hard to fathom how you are important in a child's life when you weren't "good enough" to parent him/her. Why would a person be interested in opening up an adoption, from the first parent side, when they can't see how they could be important to their child. I also think that boundaries need to be respected no matter who puts them in place. If one of those boundaries is that a first parent wanted a semi open adoption, then that is what they wanted. They should be free to go where they want without feeling like there will be repercussions because they didn't want to visit their child. I go to the "big city" about ten miles or so from where my Kiddo lives all the time without contacting them. If they are mad at me because I don't everytime I go to town, they can stay mad, because about two visits a year is what I can handle and still be emotionally healthy. Ok, this kind of turned into a ramble. I do think there are double standards though and I think a lot of it comes down to old stereotypes and the difficulties people have in letting them go.

Since my confession venting my frustration with my son's firstmom inspired this thread I guess I should jump in here and defend myself. I know that TGM started this thread to talk about the seeming double standard between Aps and BPs when it comes to opening up adoptions and not specifically about me. However, some people have made specific references to my confession and therefore to me and I feel very hurt which is why I feel the need to defend myself. W's bmom never made an adoption plan for him until she was in labor. Her plan was to just leave the hospital without him. The nurses and hospital SWers convinced her to look at profiles and she chose us. I did not trust that anyone from the agency or the hospital had told her that an OA was a possibility or how it would benefit W. I was convinced that she was told the same thing that I was told when I placed my first son for adoption. I was convinced that she was told, "You are doing the right thing for your baby, now forget about him and get on with your life." Just like Dee reached out to TGM when she had no idea that an OA was a possibility, I was just trying to reach out to W's birthmom to let her know that she was welcome to have contact with him. When I send her her letters I sign off with, "You are welcome to contact us at any time if you'd like." It seemed benign enough to me. I never thought I'd see myself painted as the bad guy for trying to establish an OA for my son's sake. She is free to visit whatever city she wants to vsit. The note that I sent her said, "I see you were in our city recently. I hope you had a good time. Just know that if you are ever here again and would like to meet W I will make those arrangements for you. Whatever you are comfortable with will be fine with me." Again, I'm not sure how this makes me the bad guy. She has no idea that I'm mad and she never will. W will never know that I was mad about this or anything else. The words, "I did everything to keep her in your life but she chose not to be" will never actually come out of my mouth when talking to him even though that's how I feel some days. My friends IRL feel like W's firstmom placed him for adoption and therefore she deserves nothing. They think I'm crazy for sending all these pictures and letters to a woman who never responds. I can't talk to them about my frustration because this would just solidify for them every negative thing they feel about birthparents and why I shouldn't bother with her. I thought that the confession thread on the Adoptive Parent Support group was a safe place for me to vent about what I was thinking and feeling at that moment. I'm very disappointed that some people have used my personal frustration and pain to judge me in a negative way.

Gwen,I'm sorry you feel attacked in this thread. I can't speak for anyone else other than myself, but I can assure you that your specific situation has nothing to do with my responses on this thread. I don't think anyone else has intentionally called you out here (obviously if people are sending PMs or something like that I wouldn't know)...we're just discussing how there is a difference in the perception depending on who is wanting to open up the OA. So while your specific situation may have been what brought the topic up, I don't think anyone's intention is to make you out to be the bad guy.It has to be hard to raise a child whose bparent doesn't want contact, knowing you have to figure out a way to explain that later. That's not what we're talking about, though. We're talking about the fact that a lot of times, when a first parent wants to open up an adoption, they're treated as suspect, but when an aparent wants to open up an adoption, they're generally not treated as suspect.I'm sorry you feel attacked on this thread.

Gwen, I'm sure it was my allusion that is bringing up your feelings, I'm sorry for that. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad at all. I can understand your frustration, I really can because you can also see the other side of the situation. What bothered me in specific were some of the reactions following your post calling her rude and what not. We are only hearing your side of the story, which is fine, I think it is great that you are reaching out. I also think it is too bad that she can't see her own importance in all of this. I really do. I also think you have every right to vent your frustrations. I am sorry for making you feel badly. I just hope that if my Kiddo's mom went and told people I was in their city and didn't stop in and it upset her, which she has every right to do, that people wouldn't think I am rude and uncaring. KWIM?

The first real experience I/we had with this was in our agency's full day adoption "class". The one group that spoke was a college aged young man, his amom, and his bmom. Adoption was, back then, semi open with updates. Bmom heard about this "new" thing called open adoption and decided she like the idea and took the initiative to write to the aparents. From the little bit of backstory they each gave I'm guessing bmom was about 20'ish at the time she wrote to the aparents. Amom admitted they were surprised and even stressed by it at first and didn't jump to respond that day or week. She said they prayed about it and then did something she laughed about: flat out asked a 4 year old if he'd like to meet _____, his bmom (he was fully aware of his adoption from the getgo and bparents, backstory, etc). He said yes and they developed what looked like a wonderful relationship. I think the key here is no one "decided" anything without consulting the next person. (amom laughed and said she did not recommend all parents asking their 4 year old what they thought, but in their case they knew they could do this with their son. Seeing him speak that day in class it was obvious he was an all around advanced thinker of a young man so I'm sure he was a bright and open minded 4 year old) IMO if someone is "deciding" to open up the adoption they're pretty much overstepping any and all boundaries regardless of who they are. Just the idea of it: I'm deciding this is what I like and want; you must follow please. It's a terrible way to set one's self up for dissapointment. Requesting, suggesting, offering the idea of, mentioning, nuturing the idea of even......all seem like the best way to approach no matter who has suddenly seen the light of open vs semi or closed. Most of the examples I've seen as of late out here have pretty much been the "suggestion" route, only to have their own kind of bumps in the road. Personally I don't really see the aparent-yay, bparent-nay vibe out here. I think people here are pretty good about taking each specific situation for what it is while giving advice that fits that specific. When it all hits the fan, the reality is those parenting the child have every right to keep in place the adoption plan originally decided upon by all. Everyone can suggest anything they like while hopefully not get too upset if nothing changes. eidt to add: Gwen...I thought of you a lot and hope you're ok. I don't particularlly like when there's a very specific thread out there and another thread spins from it, esp in a more "sided" format. The original thread person is bound to feel hurt or used. I'm sorry you felt the need to defend since your story was just discussed. And I "get" your feelings. We left the hospital fully embracing and expecting visits and have yet to see. We've suggested, welcomed and waited....nothing. I know we're suppose to understand the emotions, healing, etc....but our understanding doesn't negate our own emotions regarding it all. We're not void of emotion, pain and hurting just because we're parenting the child.

I think you're right. I actually hadn't thought of TG's original statement as meaning one side is making a decision for the other, although I do see now how it could be taken that way.

(((Gwen))). Of course you had the right to vent, and like Binky said, even when trying to understand another's feelings, you still have the right to your own. Binky, great post!

TG-Mom - I do think that bias plays a role in the different perceptions. It can play into the stereotypes people sometimes have of birthparents being less stable or safe. And no one has a right (or the ability for that matter) to unilaterally decide that the adoption will be open, regardless of the feelings of the other people involved. As I said on the other thread, I'm trying to open my son's adoption. So I'm one of those aparents sending a letter to my son's birth family asking, "Do you want to be in contact with us?" While I fervently hope they say yes, I recognize their right to say no. I would never talk down my son's birth family if they make that choice. Nor would I consider them rude or uncaring if they did so. But I see Gwen's situation - and that of other recent thread's I can think of - as being a little different in that contact has been established already. Some sort of OA relationship exists. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but that seems different to me. A relationship needs to be a two-way street to exist. On either side of an established OA or semi-OA, if your communications are met with silence, it's a really difficult situation. SOME response, ANY response, including, "I'm not interested in visits." is better than dead silence. And there is a difference between simply not wanting visits and never responding to regularly sent letters and photos, even with, "Thanks. I got the pictures."

I agree. We started with 3 OA's and one closed. When an opportunity arose where I had the chance to reach out to my oldest son's bdad, I took it. I asked if he's like contact. If he would have said no, I would have said "I understand, and please know that the door is always open to you" and left it at that. I would have been sad, but respectful of his decision. OTOH, with my oldest son's bmom, she wants the OA, puts forth no effort or response, yet becomes angry if WE were to do the same. Completely different situations based on where we started from in our journey.

Gwen....I do hope that nothing I said made you feel hurt or attacked......I personally was not referring to your situation specifically. I am sorry if anything I said came across that way...... The saddest thing that I see is that when one member of the triad really wants to have an OA for the child's benefit and the other person in the child's life doesn't want or isn't able to.....it hurts.....it hurts us and it hurts us for our child.

It was CERTAINLY NEVER my intention to hurt anyone by this thread, or to make anyone feel attacked, and I think (hope?) Gwen knows that. ((((hugs))))I suppose part of my goal in all of this was to say that it's OKAY to reach out - whether you're the adoptive parent OR the birth parent. It doesn't mean you have to increase openness, but that it doesn't have to be scary.I absolutely wish for all the adoptive parents that want open adoptions for their children that their child's birth parents are receptive. I ABSOLUTELY Do. I'm a proponent of open adoption, and I'd love to talk to those birth parents and tell them why they're worthy and should be in those OAs. Especially to talk to the one's whose children have these amazing parents that I've gotten to know here.But I also want birth parents to not be rude, or bad people, or uncaring if they aren't receptive. I've been told that people only know one side of my story, so how dare others critique Dee. But isn't that true of ALL of our stories? We know one side. So of course we defend our friends, believe their side, and are there for them. But I don't think it can hurt for us to consider that other side, and not jump to conclusions about the other person that we DON'T know. Again, my SINCEREST apologies for even starting this thread since it's hurt someone. I really never meant for that to happen, and I hope the apology can be accepted.

I don't see anything wrong at all with either adoptive parents or birth/first parents asking to open up an adoption months or even years after relinquishment. As human beings, we all mature and change throughout the years. That often means changing our minds, especially as we learn more about ourselves and our children. (((Gwen)))...The "Confessions" thread is supposed to be a safe place to vent, and I'm so sorry that you feel attacked for what you posted about your experience with W's bmom. For what it's worth, I completely understand your frustration. I'm positive that I would feel the same as you if I were in your shoes right now. It would be really hard for me to see another woman give up the opportunities that I would have cut off my right arm to have so long ago. :loveyou:

I know that TGM never intended for me to get hurt by this thread. I personally think that it's a valid point and a good discussion for us to have. It was just too personal and too raw for me to handle at the moment. TGM and I are cool. The people who wrote the specific posts that really hurt my feelings apologized and I really appreciate that. I took what they said personally even though they meant the comments globally. Again, it was just too personal and too raw for me to handle in that moment. All has been forgiven as far as I am concerned. Thanks to everyone who sent PMs or made comments on the thread. I really appreciate the support.

I can think of no other relationship where 2 strangers are tied together for life. To have to deal with a strangers actions - without any real context its soo frustrating at times!! Closed adoption or not, we're stuck together. Changing the terms of an adoption requires communication. But good communication requires the ability to hear where the other is coming from. Then to accept that postion. How does one do that with a stranger? In an ideal world, either side should be able to request a change in the relationship. The other side would consider the request, then respond yea or nay. The original side would accept the answer and act accordingly. No one outside that triad would get to judge. Unfortunately, everyone has an opinion. and they like to share them. Personally, I don't see BPs as selfish for offering more openness. I don't see APs as necessarily selfless or only acting in the best interest of their child. I can't control how people see my relationship with T. All I can do ignore the judgement and continue to do what I see is right. To Gwen, TGM, and all of us navigating our way through a triad, much love.