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Our children are slowly warming up to their birth mother,S.They met a few weeks ago.Our daughters were too young when she left to remember her and our son was just a baby.
When they met her a few weeks ago,old feelings of abandonment and rejection came afloat once again.The reunion was difficult.
S has been distant and not somewhat cold with the children and it has been hard for us to explain why their birth mother is acting the way she does. I feel like I have failed the kids.For years I tried to tell our children that their mother loved them very much despite their troubles. I know that S loves them with all her heart.Its the drugs and the years of difficulty which have changed her and this isn't an easy situation for her.
Last night we had a huge meltdown.The kids wanted to show S their Shabbat table and we invited her for dinner.S,like the rest of her family are Catholics.The biggest difficulty we faced through the adoption process has been our different religions.I know it continues to separate us but I hoped to show her that despite our different faiths,the children are being educated with good ethics and tradition.
S began to sob in the middle of the Shabbat prayers.Later during the dinner she told us that she was afraid her children were going to hell...right in front of them.My husband lost his patience and asked her to leave.I can't remember a most awkward moment in our lives.
She left and I went to talk to her that night in her apartment.She asked me if we would allow her to baptize the baby we'll adopt.The other children were baptized but we converted them to Judaism upon adoption.It wasn't an easy decision but that is what we did and I am at peace.The children know that their first family is Catholic,that they were baptized,our Catholic friends and ourselves have spoken to them about the religion and the traditions,but we are a Jewish family.
S is afraid for the children's souls.My husband was raised in a Jewish home and is an atheist.He considers himself ethnically Jewish.She is horrified by this although she knew it before the children even came home.
I do not want this baby baptized.I don't see it as a bad thing.I don't want to turn this into a religious debate but this is going to be our child.I wouldn't baptize a child of mine.I know this is important for her but it is also important to me.My husband...couldn't care less but he worries that S is overstepping our boundaries by asking for something so contentious and conflict-prone.
I feel terrible for our children who got to hear from their own mother that theyre going to hell.I fell terrible for S and all the sacrifices she has made so far. I do put myself in her shoes.If I believed in hell and eternal ****ation, I would want to do everything on my power to prevent my children from going there. But, I also have to think of who we are as a family, our own roots and identity.
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I was Baptist when I was adopting. As a Baptist, we wait until the child is old enough to decide for him/herself and request baptism -- usually ages 8-12. My daughters' foster mother was Catholic. She was concerned that if the girls died before they were baptized they would go to hell. So she baptized them as infants before they came to the states. She was very open with what she did and why she did it. She even sent the baptismal candle with them. It is supposed to be lit again at their funeral.If the act of baptism has no importance to you, why not let her baptize the baby? If she does not, I promise you she will be in agony the rest of her life, thinking that her baby is condemned to hell. You will raise the children in your faith and teach them your traditions. Baptism is not like circumcision - it leaves no permanent trace!
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Baptism isnt something I think is unimportant. I respect other peopleҒs practices and beliefs too much to dismiss baptism as pouring water on an infant. It is a public affirmation of things we,as the baby's parents,do not support or are involved with.If our children want to make that affirmation as adults,as a personal choice,they will be supported and loved the same.However,we do feel that as the family who will raise the child,we are allowed to pass on our believes and ideas for as long as the children are home.Baptism represents something our family is not.
All I can offer S is a solemn promise that this child will know who she is and her history and life, including her faith, and will be taught to honor it in the same way weve done with the other kids. Our kids are taught about religions and cultures beyond ours. As a half Hispanic, half French family very attached to our cultural roots and countries of birth, Catholicism is not a strange religion to us. IҒve also told her, and mean it completely, that all of our children are free to explore other faiths and we do not expect them to identify as Jews when they are grown adults. There is no pressure on our part for the kids to believe like I do or to not believe like their father.
Last night I told her that I would understand if she wanted to pray hard and sincerely for her children to become Catholics in the future and to believe what she wants about me and my husband.
However, if she ever tells our children that they are going to hell or implies that we are harming them in any way, well have words and things are going to change drastically.
When we welcomed our older children home, I was very honest with my aunt (SҒs mother) that our kids would be included in our religious practices but we wouldnt seek to convert them. The conversion was a decision we made when they were adopted. When we approached S with the petition to adopt, she agreed, knowing that they would be brought up in a Jewish home,as Jews and she didnҒt express concern then.It is very disturbing for our kids to hear the words she uttered on Friday.Now,we didnt ask her to put this child for adoption.She chose us.We accepted knowing that some confrontations and struggles would come with the territory,since SҒs personality has been tremendously altered by drugs and abuse and we would continue to accept her and care for her the way she is.
I know not baptizing her baby is unsettling,but this is the family we are,the family she has chosen for the baby. I am honored and moved,but there are some things about us that she isnt going to like at our religion and practices also come with the territory.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't think a non-Jew can really understand not only the religious but also historical/ cultural implications of baptism to Jews (including forcible baptism/ conversion of both adults and children), which has left permanent traces on our people for hundreds of years, even if they are not apparent to others. As an observant Jew I have struggled with this as well. I do plan to have my child converted and to raise him/ her as an observant Jew, whatever choice she/ he might make as an adult.As hard as this may be to hear, though, I don't think you really have a right to say no. Until she signs relinquishment papers this is her child, and she can do as she chooses. I am completely appalled at what she said to your children, and I know that anything else she says and does will probably always be colored by that for you. With the strength of her feelings, it may be that by asking rather than telling she is doing the best she can to adapt to her birth children being raised in a different religion. Can you have a conversation about it with her - let her know your thoughts and feelings while also being clear that you understand it is her choice until she signs the relinquishment? I know that isn't going to feel like a perfect solution, but simply saying "no" could further close those doors of understanding you are trying to open. Creating a forum for the discussion could also help her to see that you mean what you say about raising your children to respect her religion and make her more open in the future. Good luck; it is a difficult path. Have you spoken with your rabbi about it? That could be another good resource.
Thank you Ruth, you're absolutely right.
We told S that she didn't have our support or enthusiasm on her desire to baptize the baby,but what can we do? Chain ourselves to the altar? And yes,until she signs the papers these decisions are hers and hers alone.
I went to her place tonight to tell her that we will adopt the baby regardless of her decision but not to fill us in on the details or exepct us to attend the baptism.If is happens,its going to be a painful,sad day for us but we'll learn to put it behind us.
I don't want to make this an "ego" thing.I'm sure non-Jews will think it is,but it's just painful for me and surprisingly,for my husband too.
The conversion and the life our children live outside of the Catholic church surely are painful for S and her family,and this day I kind of forgot about that by focusing only on my struggle and desire to be respected.Most important of all,to see that our children are respected by their birth mother.But during our last conversation,once again,S told us that she truly thinks we are harming the children by raising them as Jews.I was tempted to ask "why did you leave them with me then?" but what is the point of that? The important thing is that she did.
This is never going to be ok with us.We can say no but that is all we can do.She will do as she wants.The one thing that is certain is that I will never try to include S on our children's religious expressions or milestones again.
So sorry you're going through this.It doesn't sound like an ego thing to me at all; I suppose maybe someone who doesn't fully understand the religious/ cultural/ historical implications could think so, but I hope we all understand the need to stand by our deeply held beliefs. It does seem odd to me that your kids' bmom not only chose you previously to parent, but is choosing you as a parent for this new little one when she is so vocal in her beliefs that you are raising them wrong. Some part of her must not totally believe that or she would have chosen someone who shares her beliefs. Hopefully she will be able to let that part come out more and accept your children for who they are.
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