Infidelity in marriage and adoption

What about the GAL? By definition, a lawyer familiar with family law who is already supposed to be looking out for the best interests of the child- and it is NOT in the child's best interests to be allowed to form bonds only to have those bonds ripped apart over someone's judgmental attitudes about something that happened before the child was even born.

I don't agree w the pp's comment about pornography as I don't see what the problem would be w something that is legal and used for entertainment purposes. I realize you had a problem w it but in and of itself, I can't imagine why pornography would disqualify someone from adopting as long as it was locked up w the alcohol where the child could not see it. No judgment here - and I feel horrible for what you are going through - but I would think the use of prostitutes would cause a far bigger reaction than the use of pornography. Unless you were somewhere (nevada) where prostitution is legal, you did something illegal that, if you had been caught and charged, could have resulted in a disqualifying criminal conviction. Not sure whether solicitation is a misdemeanor or felony where you are but where I live, prostitution is all tied up w human trafficking, drugs and about ten other major crimes (organized crime etc). I know this isn't coming out right and that you didn't do those other things but it would be nearly impossible to frequent prostitute in the city where I work without at least brushing up against a lot of other criminal activity. I know this because I work in a legal field, not from first hand knowledge. Again, I'm not criticizing you but am trying to offer the possible perspective of an adoption worker in my city when evaluating someone who admitted to hiring prostitutes. I wish you luck and hope you found some good legal counsel who can help you.

I will do my best to try to keep things updated as significant news comes in. I did a huge amount of research over the long holiday weekend and made electronic contact with about a dozen potential lawyers. Started getting some replies yesterday and today. Some lawyers said they do not deal in contested adoptions where as some other expressed some interest. I did speak with one lawyer today and laid out my entire story and she pretty much said we do not have a very good chance at all. Basically what she said was while it is great that I made some changes to my behavior and our marriage is doing well and we sought help, the nature of what I did is probably a little too extreme for DHS Children's Services to accept me/us. I would view it like this. All the little things I did to make things better and the things my wife did count like for one point each but the bad things that I did count for 10 points each against and I really do not have enough one pointers to over come a couple of 10 point negatives. I sort of had that feeling but I guess I was just hoping that maybe it might be looked at a little differently. I do plan on speaking to a few more attorneys to get some other opinions, but I think in some way I feel I am going to get very similar answers. I really do want to thank those of you have been rooting for me and my wife and the advice that some of you have shared. I feel like I have had some good support here and from other people in my life despite all the negative things that have taken place. I think for me personally I am having a real struggle with all of this. I have talked to a number of friends and have got some different opinions. Some said just accept what it is and move on and some have said seek some legal advice. The majority have supported us seeking legal advice and that is what I have done and will continue to do. My struggle is more along the lines of a spiritual one. I believe in God. And as many people who believe in God think, things do not happen by accident but are part of a plan God has for us. I feel like this opportunity was presented by God to my wife and I for different reasons. For me, I think it was about being selfless instead of the selfish me that I have been for a long time. I feel God brought the opportunity to us and I feel He was in it and will continue to be part of it until the door closes on it. And so I am sitting here saying if God knew what the end result would be assuming nothing changes, why would He bring the opportunity before me/us and let us go down the road we did believeing it was something He wanted for our life only to at the last minute all the rug to be pulled out from underneath us. Think about it those of you who have kids. Would you as a parent present your kids with a great opportunity knowing full well they are going to have their heart broken in the end? Of course you wouldn't. In fact, if you did, many people would say that is a cruel thing to do. So I am struggling with what is the lesson to be learned here and why did God bring this to me/us only to break our hearts? I do not have the answer yet. I did have one friend say that yes God did bring the opportunity to us but the state pulled the rug out from under us. I don't think it works that way. If God brings the situation you cannot sit here and say He is one part of it but not in all parts of it. I don't buy that. Then there is the skeptical side of me that says maybe God was not in it at all. Maybe it was just circumstantial that the opportunity it came to us and we did the right thing but the severity of my poor decisions could not be over come by all the positive things that we did. Some people might look at it that way. It certainly is a lot easier pill to swallow by taking God out of the picture and just accepting that things are the way they are and life sometimes deals us bad hands and there are consequences for our actions whether we like them or not. So I will be honest, I am struggling with my faith in God a little bit right now. How it will end up I do not know but I can say this, my wife and I are really hurting right now. I think we both feel that we are going to be in a worse position with Children's Services than when we started. I mean there is a real chance we may never ever see this child who is related to us again or at least for a very very long time. That is painful. Speaking from my perspective, I am feeling pretty purposeless right now. I think for me coming out of the poor choices I have made in my past, I really lost a sense of purpose in my life. I want to feel like I am making a difference in the lives of others. When this opportunity came along, I jumped in with both feet and really got into the whole situation and felt like I had a purpose which was to raise this child and others should they come our way. That is a big purpose in life. I feel like that has been ripped away and I am not sure what to really do with my life. I think another part of me is trying to regain some innocense that has been lost in my life through my poor choices. No, I can never regain the innocense I have lost, but by raising and protecting a child's innocense, I think we gain some of our own back to some degree and I need some of that back. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but it does to me. My hope in all this is that by say next week at this time I will have talked to 3 to 4 attorneys and have a pretty good idea if we have a leg to stand on or not. I am hoping for some sort of miracle, but I am not getting my hopes up too high. If anything significant comes up one way or the other, I will try to report as it does for those of who are following the story and who care. If you are a person who believes in God, please pray for a miracle in this situation because it is looking like that is what it will take to make it turn out good. If you are not a Godly person, feel free to wish me all the good luck you can as I will gladly take both. Thanks again. Talk to you all soon.

I have been reading.. I do care.. I have been in your wife's shoe's before. as I said before I think it's great you have come so far... I just wanted to add one thing...a little while back I went to church... I go only when I go back to where I used to live.. everysingle time.. I mean everytime.. I swear the preacher (who does not know me at all) is speaking directly too me.. It's ALWAYS about my dream of doing foster care. Last time I went I was in the process of being liscensed and I had what seemed like a TON of obsticles...the prechers lesson was about Noah's ark... it was pretty powerful, his whole point was, when you have a calling, you keep going, you never give up, even when it seems impossible... The ark took 120 years. here is a link with some info [url=http://www.allaboutpopularissues.org/size-of-noahs-ark-faq.htm]Size of Noah's Ark[/url] this was noah's calling.. he never gave up.. and he succeeded!!! Don't give up... keep fighting for what's yours!!

I have been reading.. I do care.. I have been in your wife's shoe's before. as I said before I think it's great you have come so far... I just wanted to add one thing...a little while back I went to church... I go only when I go back to where I used to live.. everysingle time.. I mean everytime.. I swear the preacher (who does not know me at all) is speaking directly too me.. It's ALWAYS about my dream of doing foster care. Last time I went I was in the process of being liscensed and I had what seemed like a TON of obsticles...the prechers lesson was about Noah's ark... it was pretty powerful, his whole point was, when you have a calling, you keep going, you never give up, even when it seems impossible... The ark took 120 years. here is a link with some info [url=http://www.allaboutpopularissues.org/size-of-noahs-ark-faq.htm]Size of Noah's Ark[/url] this was noah's calling.. he never gave up.. and he succeeded!!! Don't give up... keep fighting for what's yours!!

I have been reading.. I do care.. I have been in your wife's shoe's before. as I said before I think it's great you have come so far... I just wanted to add one thing...a little while back I went to church... I go only when I go back to where I used to live.. everysingle time.. I mean everytime.. I swear the preacher (who does not know me at all) is speaking directly too me.. It's ALWAYS about my dream of doing foster care. Last time I went I was in the process of being liscensed and I had what seemed like a TON of obsticles...the prechers lesson was about Noah's ark... it was pretty powerful, his whole point was, when you have a calling, you keep going, you never give up, even when it seems impossible... The ark took 120 years. here is a link with some info [url=http://www.allaboutpopularissues.org/size-of-noahs-ark-faq.htm]Size of Noah's Ark[/url] this was noah's calling.. he never gave up.. and he succeeded!!! Don't give up... keep fighting for what's yours!!

((hugs and prayers)) I am so sorry you're going thru this.

I know all too well, the feelings you are having wondering why/how/if God could be a part of this knowing your heart will break. Oh, boy, I wish I didn't but I do know! Before I met my husband, I did not want children of my own. After meeting him, there is nothing I want more. We had tried to conceive for two years and were set to start fertility treaments in just two months when I finally discovered I was pregnant. I found out on Mother's Day. What a great gift and perfect sign, right? Wrong! We miscarried at 7 1/2 weeks. I was mad at God for a long, LONG time. I felt I had really been teased! Why let us get pregnant, to have a taste, and then take it away? Well, I still can't answer that question as I really DON'T know why he allowed that to happen, but I have to say that I have found peace and have figured out that it doesn't really matter why right now. What matters is that we trust in God always and completely! I am certain that there is a purpose. I don't know what that purpose is, but I am sure there is one. God is a loving God but he never promised us that there would be no pain. In fact, he allowed his ONLY SON to endure the most horrific pain ever for our good, and we did NOT deserve it. So, even in times of trials, we cannot lose sight that He IS in control, and His plans will always be better than anything we have in store for ourselves. My favorite verse has come to be Jeremiah 29:11. I won't try to quote it exactly because there are different versions out there (KJV, NKJV, TLB, etc.) but here is the gist: "I know the plans I have for your declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." What better promise can we have? I am truly sorry for your pain, and I commend you and your wife on being able to deal with the troubles in your past. I hope that this will bring you stronger not only to each other but also to the Lord. Right now, that may seem very simple to say, but I honestly believe He keeps his promises! God bless you and your family!:wings:

I am so sorry they misled you. Keep us posted.

I suppose this is going to be an up and down roller coaster for a little while. I said I would give updates as they come up and are significant. Today I spoke to two attorneys. Both of them seemed very confident that we have a chance in this case and mentioned similar courses of action. One of these attorneys is a man who said he has about 3000 cases in dealing with Children's Services of which he said he has won over 80% of his cases and he has had about 200 to 300 cases dealing with more complicated issues like mine where he has won about 1/2 of them. So I was feeling pretty good today. He ran a lot of things by me that I was not all that sure of such as filing a motion to intervene and some other lawyer terminology. One thing about this one lawyer is he seems to know all or most of the players and who to contact which to me sounds like a big plus vs someone who may not know who to contact and has to do more research. The downside to this one lawyer is he wants a $10,000 retainer to start off and he sees something like this going upwards to $25,000 if it ends up in multiple days in a courtroom. Thankfully should we select him, we have the $10,000 to get us going. Actually we can probably come up with $20,000 without having to sell any body parts. Next year by March we would be able to come up with the additional $5000 should it come to that. My wife and I talked about it and the question is it worth it? We both think so should we select him. I got calls in to a couple more attorneys that I hope to speak to before Monday just to get some more opinions. The other lawyer who I spoke to for sure mentioned some of the same tactics but just does not sound like she has the same level of experience and does not know all the players so we would be paying for her to do a lot of research that the other attorney already knows. She is asking for a $3500 retainer and really did not have an idea on the high end where it could end up. So what I am hearing from the one lawyer is a 50% chance and I think that is worth taking. After I talk to a couple more lawyers, I think we are going to make a choice of going forward. It is scary that is for sure. Thoughts anyone?

bumping this up for you... I would be clueless

My guess is the main issue is not the infidelity itself, but rather that the counselor (a professional) saying that she thought your marriage wasn't strong enough and she didn't support you adopting. That was probably enough for them to make their decision.If it were me, I splurge on the expensive attorney if you feel confident that they have the most experience and will give you the best chance.Good luck.(Oh, and does everyone usually see their own homestudy? We have never seen ours -- we were told we weren't allowed to see it.)

go get em!

Well, if you are not a believer in God, wish me luck and if you are a believer, a simple prayer would be great. Tomorrow my wife and I are driving 175 miles away to meet with a lawyer in the afternoon. We are staying the night and have two AM lawyer appointments and then in the afternoon are going to a update hearing for the baby/mother that was planned 6 months ago. We are going to be retaining one of the lawyers after all the meetings and we talk about it amongst ourselves. You know I have to say Children's Services is really pathetic. Since May 27th, my wife and I have been sending emails, leaving messages asking to be called back and there has been absolutely zero response. We have called and emailed various people between the two different offices. Admittedly my emails have been a little more critical of the organization than my wife's have been. Tonight my wife drafted a letter to the judge in the case and pleaded with him to intervene and she copied that email to every person who has been involved in this case. I don't know if the email will do any good and I doubt it will do any harm, at least I hope not. It was a very good letter. IN one of my previous messages I mentioned that one of the lawyers I had talked to was very expensive but also sounds like he knows what he is doing and knows all the players in the game. Well, I was a bit skeptical of him. And so it turns out he has some reprimands on his record as well as a suspension. So I talked to a lawyer friend of mine about him. The reprimands and suspension are of concern but when delving into them they are not as bad as they sound. There is actually very detailed information about it all online and free for the public to access. My lawyer friend called one of his lawyer friends who works nearby him in the same town and the report is this guy is the best. So is his price. I am leaning towards hiring him but I want my wife to get a chance to talk to him as she is very perceptive about people. I have been thinking about this a lot. Our number one goal is to get the baby and be able to adopt her. Also, if there are siblings which there will be another, we want the ability to get that one as well should he/she be taken away and the need present itself. We do not want these kids going out to strangers as most likely if that happens they will never know any of their extended family. The second thing is I hope that by having a lawyer involved that we will get quicker and better response from Children's Services. I would also say that I wish we could stop Children's Service workers from telling lies either out of ignorance or on purpose. However, I cannot promise that will happen though as it is a big system. So far I have learned one thing and that is we should have got a lawyer right from the beginning. To put ones hands in Children's Services is treading on thin ice. I highly recommend that if you are going through Children's Services in your state and do not have an attorney that you think about one. Especially if you have bumps in the road in terms of your marriage. I know lawyers cost money and some are really expensive, but it is so easy to make mistakes and then the fate of your child could be in the hands in an organization that almost has immunity and likes to play God. Will update later in the week.

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