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Understanding adoption and the issues I faced growing up has helped heal me and my relationship with my Aparents. I used to equate these feelings of sadness and not fitting in with a lousy childhood because of them. Knowing what I know now I would have had these feelings in any home I was placed. I probably would have been better in a kinship placement or if I was raised by my Bparents, but this wasn't an option. Searching and finding my Bparents has made me love and appreciate my Aparents even more.
My Bparents are just like friends. I only have one mom and dad. Instead of yelling at my parents "you are not my real parents"....I found my parents and realized that they ARE my real parents. My decision to search would have occured in any home because female adoptees dwell on the issue more and tend to search more. My searching was not based on my loyalty. I would have been better in a semi-open adoption mentally, but they didn't know that stuff then. If you haven't bonded with your child in 18 years you mey never. Why seal the records forever? There are plenty of adoptees that choose not to know and that is their right. No one can come and take your glory as an adoptive parent. Erase all the years of kissing boo boos and birthday parties. My dad taught me to fish and my mom taught me to bake a cake. My Bfather helped me move into my house and fixed my lawnmower.
I love dropping my son off at my Aparents house because I know how much I loved playing with them when I was a child. My Bfather is one of the people on the list of guardians should something ever happen to me.
My adoptive grandmother I considered my KIN. Even though she has another granddaughter she and I bonded the most. I was celtic in origin and she was too. My non Id info was wrong they told me I was german, but I was Irish. I loved my grandmother so much I had to wonder if I always felt irish because of her or if I always just knew. Either way when I die and the light appears at the end of the tunnel and my loved ones come back for me. It will be my Afamily. Family is who you love and who loves you. I am from two worlds...I am neither yet I am both. I thought of my Bmom every day and still do. Its primal and nothing will ever change that.
There is room for everyone in my life. My husband and I have been tryings for almost two years to get pregnant. There is room in my home for one more child to love as well when the time is right.
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I sincerely hope you do not feel 'given away' by your mother. At fifteen she was a child; without her family's support, love and co-operation you were not an option. I only know this because my child, born two days before I turned 21, was not an option. If I kept the child I had no family... not one person expressed an offer to support me in raising my child. Until five years later: my best friend said she 'probablly' should have offered... and my mother told me 11 years too late she'd never forgive me for giving 'her first grandchild' away... I have been on the registry for several years with no response; between changed birth information and no admission of that being the reality I may never get reunion.
My whole issue is health information. I do not expect a friendship or any mother/child relationship... My whole wish was and is that my child had a better life than I could provide. I'd like to know that happened.
That said; you sound pretty grounded and happy with your relationships now- your mother may come around in the future, she's only old enough to be an older sister... don't dispair.
This is my disclaimer: the people who physically made you are your father and mother. Any fool can do that! But, to be a Mom or Dad it takes a woman or a man.
This article got featured somewhere and I wanted to update. I am not speaking to my Bmom or Bdad. Instead I have a realtionship with my half sisters.
I won't be kept in the "closet" or treated like lesser child. All set. I have my Bfamily connection with my sisters and that is good enough for me. I have been in reunion for 17 years and I am much happier now than I ever have been.
Finding my family and being able to recognize the loss that would have been there no matter where I was placed led me to realize my Aparents for the wonderful people they are. They loved me best they could and did what they thought was right. My Bparents were told I would have a fairytale life with a rich family and the agency did them a disservice by telling them that. My Bmothers pain was compounded by the information that I had thought about her everyday and was lonely and different.
The lost connection to my Bfamily and all of the hard feelings are directly related to my closed adoption. My Bmom is estranged from my Bgrandparents from it. My adoption did more harm than good.
littlewanderer.... I have tears flowing down my face after reading your post!! These tears are releasing something inside of me that I can't explain in words.
I am an adoptive mother of 2 toddlers & recently been overcome with emotions of what is to come for my babies as the realization of them being adopted comes closer. I have purchased a dozen books on the subject of how to talk or explain things as they get older but still I was concerned. Then I decided the best advice can only come from ones that have actually been through these experiences themselves. So I went to a website for adult adoptees & was horrified :( I was sobbing at the horrible and nasty things they expressed about how adoption was for them. Even the ones who had great adoptive parents still felt adoption was not the answer.
I completely understand everyone has the right to how they feel and I honestly wanted to know even if it hurts. But reading your post has now brought tears but they are tears of hope that my daughter and son will feel as you do about their life. I know each child will handle things differently but I want to do everything I can to make this journey easier if possible.
Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to express how inspiring your words meant to me.
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I had to tell my own son that my parents aren't related to him. He was a little sad, but it doesn't change the way he feels. My brother searched but he just wanted to know who he was and that his family was ok. He talked w/ his Bmom with plans to meet her but so far no luck. His father died. We were raised in the same house and have different feelings.
We are often asked, What percent of adoptees search for their birth parents?Ӕ And ouranswer surprises people: One hundred percent.Ӕ In our experience, all adoptees engage in asearch process. It may not be a literal search, but it is a meaningful search nonetheless. Itbegins when the child first asks, Why did it happen?Ӕ Who are they?Ӕ Where are they now?Ӕ These questions may be asked out loud, or they may constitute a more private form ofsearching questions that are examined only in the solitude of self-reflection (Brodzinsky, etal., 1992, p. 79).
Your children will ask questions and honesty is always the best. It is what it is. My mother would alway gush about the day she got me. I always had mixed feelings. It was the "loss" I was feeling. I am still embarrased that I am adopted at 34. I love my Aparents as if I was born to them. I think my mother was afraid I would leave her but she was brave and helped me search. I will always be grateful to he for that.
Adoption is a trauma and growing up different is hard. In good loving homes children turn out ok. If my parent didn't give me the support I needed I would not be the person I am today. I know too many adoptees who didn't have the help I had and were adopted for the wrong reasons. My heart goes out to them.
My husband & I can't have children of our own so decided to adopt. We didn't do it for the attention or to be heroes but I can say it was a selfish choice because I wanted a family so badly. I remember holding her for the first time & instantly realized even though she was fulfilling a dream for me that she lost something to make that possible. I will support them in every way & I am not afraid of losing them just afraid of how hard it will be to see them struggle with this life they didn't choose. For my 2 year old sons bio mom lives & works in our town & I went to her work shortly after the adoption to tell her I didn't want to shut her out of his life. I exchanged numbers but she won't answer my calls or return my messages. I felt like it was the right thing to do but if she doesn't want to see him what or how do I eventually say to my son? I want him to know I tried so he feels I support the realationship but then it will be hurtful to know she avoided him! What is the right thing for me to do?I know they are young still but need advice because I feel my decisions now will have some effect later and I want to do the right thing for them. Thank you for taking time to listen and respond. Maybe I am over thinking everything??(Sigh)
Every adoption is different. Keep the door open. Ask for address updates and family medical history updates. The fact that you even care shows that you are already doing the right thing.
Giving away your baby is a profoundly painful decision. Some Bmothers find it easier just not to think about it. Out of sight out of mind. There is a stigma with women who give their babies up. Other people judge and say " oh I could NEVER give my baby away"
Just tell the truth always. It is the secrecy that fuels the shame.
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