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Am I in the wrong?
My bmom is very secretive about her other family members. For some reason she does not want me to meet the rest of her family besides her mom, husband and children.
Multiple members of her family have reached out to me on facebook and expressed interest in meeting me and wanting me to be part of the family. I feel bad for constantly ignoring their messages and requests to meet me and I think it makes me look bad and like an unfriendly person. On the other hand, I didn't want to betray or hurt my bmom by going behind her back.
Well to make a long story short. I eventually did go behind her back and met a family member of hers that requested to meet me first. Sometimes I want to tell my bmom about the meeting but then I think, "why should I?" It's technically my family too. But at the same time I'm not sure if I was in the wrong and if she finds out I went behind her back it could mess up our relationship.
Anyone with opinions on this topic? Was I in the wrong for meeting a member of my birthfamily even after they made it obvious they want me in their life?
Or...was my bmom wrong from denying me to know more about her family? Also, why do you think she wouldn't want me to meet them in the first place? It makes me think she's hiding something or even embarrassed or ashamed to have me around.
It's a sticky situation and I really don't want our relationship to be ruined over this.
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I don't think adults need anyone's permission to have a relationship with another adult. I don't know your birth mom's reasons, and to her they may be very personal or meaningful, but I don't believe that her feelings bind you or mean that you are not a free adult, and the same goes for her other family members. That doesn't mean it won't be without consequences if your birth mother finds out and is upset and angry, it's just to say that just because you are an adoptee doesn't mean that other adults get to make decisions for you- you get the SAME rights as all other adults. So no, you're not "wrong" at all, but it may be damaging to your relationship with your birth mother. The possibility of that is a situation that you will have to face based on whatever you choose.
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Have you asked your birth mom if she'd mind explaining a little bit to you about why she's asking you to not contact the rest of her family? Just in a casual way, voice tone neutral? Showing you're curious about it? Give her a chance to answer your questions.Does she Facebook? If not, she might be unaware how easy it is for others to contact you this way.
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I think it is great you are open to meeting other members of the birthfamily but as a birthmom I would be so upset if the adoptive family went behind my back. I would be so angry! I would definitely talk with her about it first and if she says no, then leave it alone and explain to the family members the situation.