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We are fostering my 15 yr. old niece and 12 yr. old nephew in a few weeks. They've been in the system for quite a long time. We recently learned they were both molested by their older brother and father. The 15 yr. old girl seems to bottle it all up and act motherly to her younger brother. However, the 12 yr. old boy has molested a few children in group home a few years ago, which we found out recently and that no charges were pressed and they gave him 2 months of therapy and said he was fine. They then moved in with other foster parents. They had been there for about 2 yrs. when he and his foster brother decided to "sexually experiment" with each other. Of course, the story changes. His foster brother is 15...however, they both are a bit behind. At-any-rate, the story changes with his foster brother from day to day. Once day he says he was ok with the next he says it was rape. The previous foster mother (whom we had a good relationship with up until now) wants justice, and I don't blame her. I just want them to get their story straight. It's not right what happened, but rape is a whole different thing than it being concentual. My issue is this. I have a 4 yr. old son now. My whole family thinks we're crazy to take my nephew. I am torn. I love my family and think that if he is here and not in the system fully, he has a better chance to get more than 2 months of therapy. However, it poses a great risk as well...my son! We are finishing off our basement so my nephew can have his own room since we can not allow him to share a room with my 4 yr. old, extremely affectionate son. My son loves his cousin so much and we just don't know what to do here. I mean, he's done this more than once. I've already had my brother say we won't be able to hang out since my nephew would be around his 2 boys. I understand but also think it's silly...we obviously wouldn't leave him alone with them.
All this just make me want to find my sister and shake her and say....how could you not help them? Apparently they did tell her while in her custody of the molestation and she basically blamed them.
At-any-rate, do any of you have advice or have had a foster child do any of this?
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BTDT.........with a kid near the same age as your nephew. You CANNOT watch these kids all the time. As someone already said, it takes merely seconds to molest a child...especially a dear little 4yr old who will be 'easy prey'. If that sounds too blunt, believe me, *I* was shocked to find it SO true.
I think *you* are seeing your nephew as a little kid you knew years ago...and a 14yr old who's molested more than once, isn't a child to be left alone---especially with a little innocent 4yr old----for even a milli-second. Yes, these kids do more than molest at an opportune time; they can literally seek out mere moments to find the opportunity to hurt a young child. (And yes, molestation might as well BE rape, IMO. They both damage the soul because the child is violated, period.)
I agree with you that 2mos of counseling isn't enough. (I daresay, at 14yrs old....a year of counseling may not be enough....if any amount of counseling can be enough....)
At 14yrs of age, too often, a pattern is set----a pattern that will seldom be broken. While your efforts to try to help are admirable; my opinion is that you simply can't risk the damage to your son for your efforts. The risk is FAR too great.
Most Sincerely,
Linny
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I wish you all the best and send hugs to you. I hope your 12-year-old nephew finds peace and is able to heal.
The issue now is not that he was molested - it's that he has demonstrated a taste/compulsion to molest. That is the hardest thing to help someone get past, even with years and years of therapy. This is why I do agree with the others: It only takes a moment. And remember, your son is 4, and your nephew is 12. You have years ahead of you where opportunity will exist, and believe me, if your son is harmed, it will affect him always.
I hope you are able to find another solution that will not put your son in danger. But, whatever you decide, I wish your entire family healing.
Hi Jensor06:grouphug:
We had a child who displayed alot of sexual abuse trama. Eventually his sister and he ended up being seperated in care for safety of his sister. We installed alarms on the doors and took every precaution that we could. Therapy a weekly therapy session and therapy with an individual who specializes in sexual abuse/sexual predator was also very helpful. He did require in patient treatment and residential care on occassion.
He just graduated from highschool and is packing very excited about going into the military.:clap:
It was emotional and impossible on some days. Giving up was NOT an option.
PM me with any questions or vents I will be glad to help listen in any way I can.
Good Luck to you and your family:grouphug:
Keeping the children and you in my thoughts and prayers. My two younger chidren (now 17 and 18) both were molested in their foster home before coming home to me. It was an older foster child. Please do whatever you need to, to protect them even from each other. My children starting acting out sexually (talking , flashing each other, ) when they were 10/11. I found a good counselor and we still do counseling (my daughter has aspergers, and developemental delays). At one point she was taking suicidal because of the past sexual abuse while in foster care. Better safe than sorry. Take care.
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7 months into my FD's placement she began molesting one of my DS. She took any chance she could ie when I was in the bathroom, upstairs checking on one of the other children, while we were sleeping etc. You can not leave him alone for even a second with another child. The fact that he was sexually abused is not the problem, it is that he has acted out multiple times on other children. I have had two other FC that were SA, but neither acted out.
My FD saw a therapist since the day she walked through our doors and even this therapist was caught off guard.
I would suggest that if he stays long term you put alarms on the other children's doors to be sure your nephew does not enter their rooms during the night.
From the perspective of being a foster parent, we had to have a 13 year old removed from our home. We loved him but could not risk him being in our home. He literally had no conscious. He is currently serving a 10 year sentence for sexually abusing a 7 year old child. Although we did not want to send him away, we could not risk harming other children in our home. Follow your gut...but know that you can NEVER leave them alone with another child.
My sister was molested and started molesting at age 11. I don't think she ever stopped because she had all her children removed because she was molesting them. Her children are all suffering the same problems. What I was told when I took in the 7yo was-never leave them alone with anyone smaller than them and to put alarms on all the doors and windows in the house. (ding dong not screeching drive you mad loud noise). Lots and lots of intense therapy. I don't know what state you are in but Indiana has a place called Resolute for children who molest. I have seen kids go in there and comeback better people. I wish you luck, this is going to be a very hard road ahead for you. My sisters oldest can not be around any children because she has molested several. You can not watch them all the time either. The places you never expect to see problems you will. my fs tried to touch children on the school bus, play ground and even in the classroom. We never allow them in any bedrooms except their own ever and never let them be alone with one one. B's older sister has accused several people of molesting her after they turned down her sexual advances. Turn it over to God and accept what ever he places on your heart and in your mind.