Birth mom to be and I have some questions about what happens at the hospital.

To be honest, I think the problem is just that the sadder parts of adoption (eg the fact that someone is relinquishing their child) is glossed over in the media and celebrities etc. You would think from the way it is portrayed that adoption happened in a vacuum. We in the adoption world know different but the general population do (and always will) think of adoption as being unwanted child being adopted by people who want them. Btw just back to agencies again - check out websites of US agencies and Canadian agencies - you will see a diffeence in their advertising - the seed is often sown by what people see on these websites even before they make contact with them. Also even though relinquishment may be low in itself - it is still 3-6 times higher in the US per capita than any other western country.

I forgot to mention in the previous post that contraception was not available if you were not married...and in 1970 Roe vs Wade had not happened yet either... Look around you in your state and other states - exactly what is being defunded - all the help to single mothers - of contraception services - Roe vs Wade is being cut into bit by bit - state by state...agencies are offering scholarships IF you place...the NFCA even has an "Infant Adoption Revival Program"... Kind regards,Dickons

Wow, agencies are offering scholarships if you place a baby for adoption...have not heard that one. Do you really know of agencies that offer this? Yes, I know that federal funding is being cut in certain areas like planned parenting and that is truly sad; however, again, in this day and age there are so many more options than in the BSE. You still have access to birth control, abortions, and government assistance; my whole point is, is there are still tons more options for women facing unplanned pregnancies than their were back in the BSE. And the biggest thing that has really changed is the stigma towards un-wed mothers. It is completely different....

Governement assistance was available in the BSE days (at least in NZ) but often women weren't told about it. In other cases, they were told about it but in such a way that they were made to feel selfish to even think of it. It still would have been hard without family support. That is why it is good your friends had family support. As regards to birth control, one thing a few of you have in fact pointed out (see I do listen to what you say :)) is that a lot of unplanned pregnancies these days are from failed birth control rather than lack of using it (I suspect that many older women who just forget then use the RU486 or whatever it is called). I do seriously think it is sad that many couples who have older children feel the need to place their child because they can't afford to keep them. I think also advertising of all things (not just adoption) is much more prevalent and clever these days which is why advertising is such a big business. What is sort of funny is that everyone in the world is apparently susceptible to advertising but emoms, they are apparently the only ones who make their decisions without any influence from anyone else whatsoever.

BTW, my daughter is just 8 years old, so my experience is recent and the experiences of the mom's I have worked with are even more recent. I only considered adoption for 3 days with my daughter and told only 1 person I was considering it, but after I had decided to parent I still was questioned if I had considered adoption and I felt pressured to some degree. People would say stuff like "Are you sure you are going to be able to handle a baby" and "you are going to have to quit school" I actually felt really selfish for deciding to parent, like I was shorting her on the life that she could have had. If I had decided to place I can only imagine how guilty I would have felt if I had changed my mind after the baby was born and crushed some poor couple's dreams and would that guilt have affected my choice? There is no way to know. I know in the early days (Like when she was 8 days old and I had to leave her with my mom to go to college) I felt like I had made the wrong choice and I quit eating and sleeping because I felt so guilty, that is what guilt can do, it influences your choices (in my case it led to bad choices), so I really hate it when people down play how that guilt can be a form of coerisn. This is a bit off topic but I thought it somewhat pertinant in the discussion of guilt: 5 years later (after my daughter), after having fostered and adopted my 2nd cousin I was given a 2 day old baby boy to foster, his case went to TPR very quickly and we were asked to adopt, he was 3 mos old at TPR and we decided to adopt him (finalized at 8 mos), in the mall a women was sitting near my children and I (he was number 5 and is very obviously not biologically related) and she asked if he was adopted, I explained the situation and she said "Why didn't they give him to a nice married couple who can't have children" "my niece has been trying to adopt for years", when I explained that he was a foster situation that turned adoptive that adoption was not the initial plan she actually stated "well, when that happens they should consider moving the kids to parents who can't have children that have been waiting to adopt"......I was floored. I can not imagine what the purpose of her rant was but the best guess is that she thought I should feel guilty for being able to parent this child, when I had other childern to parent. If random people will try guilt on strangers at the mall (and it did give me pause to think about my situation for a moment) imagine how effective guilt on a vulnerable person (such as a mother considering placement) might be if that guilt were coming from someone they had built a relationship with (such as matched PAPs), even if the PAP had no intention of making the mother feel that way. It just isn't cut and dry, no, all birth moms are not coerced, no, not all PAP are going around pressuring birthmothers to relinquish. But it does happen and minimizing it helps who? If it happens even once it is worth talking about and recognizing. Scamming of PAP happens, not in every case where a mother decides to parent but it happens, you don't see a bunch of birthmothers or mothers who considered placing but choose to parent, all up in arms over the disscussion, getting all defensive that someone might be accusing them of fraud. Aparents shouldn't get defensive either, if you know that coersion didn't happen in your case then why get defensive? NO ONE on this thread stated that ALL or even MOST eparents are coerced or pressured, just that it happens and it may be happening at a higher rate or with more subtlety than some people may have noticed or be willing to believe. For example: Stranger abduction is over 100x less likely to occur than abduction by a known person, namely an estranged parent.....does that mean I intend to minimize the discussion about stranger danger to my children? ....I think not.

I would love some insight into this. Why does this phenomenon occur so often, especially when completely unprovoked as in this thread? BTW, I want you to know that I really appreciate your posts, mommy2fiveplus. Thank you for taking the time.

I've often thought on other blogs/forums (not necessarily adoption ones btw) that the most defensive are a case of "the lady prostesteth too much, me thinks" but surely that isn't the case here, surely not.

Why does having a healthy debate means defensiveness? I can't speak for anyone else but I'm not defensive about anything. I just happen to have a different opinion than some. Just because someone placed a child for adoption it doesn't make them the end all be all in adoption knowledge or puts them on some untouchable pedestal. They are just normal people too and disagreeing with them is ok and shouldnt be thought of as minimizing their feelings. I've adopted a child and i'm no expert and dont pretend to be. I don't agree with full OA's and some AP's do. If I disagree with their reasons and benefits they see for having an full OA am I minimizing their feelings? Sorry but I actually disagree with this statement above and I promise I'm not being dismissive I just don't agree period! :D

Perhaps one of your posts didn't come across as defensive, I don't feel like combing the thread to look, but that is how some of the posts came across to me, and like you I am entitled to my opinion. This is how I feel many of these posts have gone: 1)First parents or others state coerisns or pressures they felt or witnessed and 2)another poster, typically an aparent posts how girls these days have tons of options, or only 1% of teens place (who cares if 1% places, if even 1% of those 1% are pressured it matters and its wrong), or how the stigma of single parenting is no longer there. IMHO, it doesn't matter how great an enviroment adoption is now compared to adoption 50 years ago.....first parents and others on this thread (some who placed much more recently than the BSE) are saying that they have experienced or heard of a problem with pressure or coerisn and aparents are basically saying saying "nope, sorry, it isn't really like that". That is how I interpretted some of the posts. Makes me angry because I was one of those girls that felt pressured and it wasn't even when I was considering placing and others on here are saying that it didn't happen that way, I must not have felt pressure because society is more accepting of single parents, I must not have felt pressure because only 1% of us choose to place, I must not have felt pressure because I was given all these resources...... well until you have walked a mile........ So I guess we can just agree to dissagree. I can say I think there is a problem (some of the time, not all) and you can say there isn't. Edited to Add: I guess it is me getting defensive now. Happens when people or there feelings get questioned.

Hahah @ you ETA comment! I guessing you were making a joke if not my bad.If you did go through the thread and read my post which is like 3 i think I don't believe I came across as defensive.Your right I haven't walked a mile in your shoes and neither have you in mine. We have our own experiences that shape who we are and how we think. So because we may have such different lives we may see things differently and that's ok. We just agree to disagree and there is no need for anybody to get defensive. In all honesty it really isn't a hot button issue for me so maybe that's why I am more relaxed about it. I think we've both been very respectful in our post and for that I am happy.

I think what frustrates me, and what makes me feel like people's experiences are minimized, is when folks cling to the idea that coercion today doesn't exist. To me, that's just non-negotiable.If women come forward and say, "I was coerced." Or if a Mom like Mommy2fiveplus says that they've seen coercion. Or if we can plainly look at websites and agencies policies that are inherently coercive (like offering cash scholarships to birthmoms that are contingent on placing) - then to me, it happens. It doesn't mean it always happens. But to deny it just doesn't do anyone any good. And THAT'S when my hackles really get up. When people's experiences ARE flat out rejected. And for me, that includes the argument that if a woman goes to an adoption agency she can't be coerced because she went in the first place. (For the record, I'm not saying that's happened on this thread - I haven't gone back through and read the whole thing - but I've seen that happen before if not here).

My only stance is I don't believe there is a 2nd baby scoop era coming. That it. Thats all ive said period! I NEVER said coercion doesn't exist. Show me one post where I did and I will gladly start a thread apologizing to you and ever other person who thinks I said that. :coffee:

I for one never said the 2nd baby scoop era is coming, nor did I say that you said coercion didn't exist, so we should be cool as far as I know!I was just speaking generally about anyone that says coercion doesn't exist (because there ARE people out there that believe that it's impossible in this day and age.)

Ok got it! We're on the same page and we are definitely cool!

Hello Jessica. I see I'm a little late in joining the discussion, but I'm new here so I think it's somewhat excusable. I am a new birthmother. My beautiful baby girl was born on July 5th (making her two weeks old today). A lot of what I read in response to your original post is correct: YOU are entirely in control at the hospital. Sometime around your 32nd week, your OB will most likely have you go to the hospital for pre-registration. There, they get your information into the system so when the big day comes, you won't have to deal with much paperwork. You will also have a chance to talk with a nurse about pain management (whether you want an epidural or not), and they will likely give you pamphlets and fliers about pre-term labor, labor, how to distinguish from Braxton-Hicks and real contractions, post-partum depression, etc. My husband and I chose to have our little girl stay in the room with us. I chose not to breast feed (it seemed a little weird to me to try if she wasn't going to be able to continue after leaving the hospital). My husband and I fed her bottles and I changed plenty of diapers and we took lots of pictures of her and really tried to enjoy every bit of the experience that we could. The day I went into labor was the day we were supposed to meet one of two families we had narrowed our choices to, so the agency we were working with had both families come the next day to meet with us in the hospital. I chose to let each family hold her and interact with her because I wanted to see what they would do and how they would do it. I think because of that, it made our decision between the two easier, as one couple seemed to truly cherish her whereas the other couple just kinda held her and continued talking to us. I was discharged before she was, but I was allowed to stay until she got discharged so we could all leave at the same time. I did not receive her original birth certificate, but I was given a form to order a certified copy. We were also given the original copy of her footprints. Hope this helps!