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So we brought are DD into our home at just over four January 2009 so now she is almost 7 and life I would say is about 80% better then when she moved in with us.
So background issues are, diagnosed with FASD, Bmom did Cocaine when she was pregnant, diagnosed with ADHD although I think it is more RAD issues that we are dealing with.
She has over come so much, the first year and a half where hell but mostly life has calmed down. Now she has attached to my husband and I and no problem with that. But I am unsure about something that she does. Now she is our only child and have never raised, or fostered another child so I am unsure sometimes what is age related issues or something more that we need to deal with.
So some of the issues I am unsure how to deal with all the times. Again she is just under 7 years old.
The other day I asked her to put something on her bed and I said go but that on your blanket. OK simple request but she looked at me completely confused and said "blanket?" really confused. I touched the blanket and said blanket. She started laughing like Oh, oh ya!! So this isn't the first time she has completely forgot something so simple. So normal for the age or something we need to keep track of?
I will tell her to go pick up A, B and C, even something as simple as toys in her bedroom to put away and will point them all out for her. She can usually remember the first 2 but something completely forgets what C was or that I even asked for her to do it. Is three tasks at almost 7 to much to remember or something more related to her issues?
She get extremely defensive for no unseen reason. I will say some like, will you please (yes I use my pleases and thank you's a lot) go put your shoes away. Instead of just doing it or saying "Mom I already did it". She will get mad at me, mostly if she has already done it and yell at me that I already did it. But it is so defensive like I just yelled at her. I really can't stand that yelling and we are strict and she does a lot of manual labor (raking yard, running laps, sweeping kitchen/bathroom) for bad behavior. But no matter what I do or say I can not what so ever curb the defensive yelling at me or my husband. I feel like some days ever single time I talk to her she gets defensive. It just comes out of no where, she acts like a moody 16 year old. Is this common for kids to act more as they get older or is this something related to Drugs/FASD? We have quiet calm talks at night all the time about being nice and using those nice words that we all like.
We have other issues like Manipulation, lying, extremely sneaky that we know are issues and work with them every day. But I just not know what is average child behavior and what is drug expose/FASD/RADish related.
She has always been pretty defensive with me and she use to tells me sometimes she wishes we could just be friends. I am a good Mom and not here to be her best friend. She of course has rules to follow and I am thinking the defensiveness is more related to her control issues. She does ALWAYS want control of everything.
I am having a hard time finding books etc. that will help you understand the issues children go through as they age with some of the issues my daughter has.
**Any advice is so greatly appreciated!!** :grouphug:
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The first behaviors you've described are common for people with FASD. The defensiveness could be rad or fasd. It's not just the need for control but the fear of making a mistake and besides, if she needs control and you've asked her to do something she's already done, your not paying attention so she's not safe-thus the need to be extreme. It's the strange way the rad brain functions. And unfortunately, the chores etc are likely not effective as both conditions impair cause and effect thinking so she likely doesn't relate the consequence to her behavior.
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I agree with Lucy. The not remembering even simple words, or more than the first one or two of a list of directions is very common for people with FASD. There's a book that I use (a lot) to help keep reminding me of what the issues are and strategies for parenting (relating to fetal alcohol). The book is Trying Differently Rather Than Harder, by Diane Malbin. Available from [url=http://www.fascets.org]FASCETS[/url] and sellers like Amazon.One section of this book explains the process that most of us go through when we learn something; how our brain stores and retrieves information, makes connections, etc. For people with FASD some or all of these steps might be difficult, or impossible, for them to do. The author gives some suggestions on ways to work around these issues, and to help strengthen areas of weakness as well.
Thanks for the info. I will go look for the book and read it. I have a hard time finding info for the older child. Sometimes I wish her issues stood out more, I know it might sound kinda weird, but you would never know looking or speaking to her she has unseen issues. I have to admit I also myself forget sometimes than I get these huge over reactions which seems so out of sync for a 7ish year old. Also I assume it is also normal for FASD, but when she hurts herself, say gets a scratch or trips and wackes a knee. Her reactions are so over the top!! Her mouth is wide open and she literally screams/cry as loud as she possibly can. I have a hard time soothing her sometimes because it is so loud.... Is this common? Again Thank you!!!
Like other posters have said, the inability to remember some seemingly simple piece of information--especially if given as part of a multiple step direction--is common in FASD. I also would agree that this may be directly linked to the defiant/resistant behavior. As a teenager with insecure attachment patterns and an increasingly severe fear of abandonment I would rather be "bad" than "wrong"--I believed if I "failed" my parents because I couldn't do what they expected me to do (specifically keep my grades up--extremely difficult due to undiagnosed learning disabilitiess) they would reject me, and I would rather be rejected for something I *could* control.
As far as books go:
For attachment my all-time favorite is the chapter on attachment in Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's craft--even if your child was not adopted as a toddler it's a great read. I also like Attaching In Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents but it's a bit more technical. I like some aspects of 20 Things Adopted Kids Want Their Adoptive Parents to Know, it may give you a different viewpoint on some of the control issues (I don't agree with everything in the book though--there are a lot of generalities which I disliked). Specific to FASD the only book I recall reading is The Broken Cord by Dennis Morris, it's a good read but probably outated by now as far as much of the information goes. I haven't read it, but The Best I Can Be: Living with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Effects has excellent reviews.
I have a just 8yo bio boy and he can be very defensive as well. Just this morning I asked him to pick up the clothes he dropped in the bathroom when he took a shower. He did pick them up and threw them in the living room. When I saw them in the LR and told him this was disrespectful and he knew where to put them, he yelled, picked them up and took them upstairs in almost loss of control crying, because of some muttering that he is the only one that has to do chores. Mind you, we are pretty strict, he never gets away with this, he loses play dates, no electronics, etc when he does this - but yet he does. It is a current thing we are focusing on with him.
That said, I have an adoptd kid and I find that she does the same things that kids her age do, it is just done at a level of extreme that is hard to explain to people. So I get, "oh yes my kid does that all the time". When in reality they don't do it at the extreme level you are seeing. So although it may be a normal 7 yo behavior to test independence, need to grow up, etc, it may be done with an escalation level that isn't normal for a 7yo. Make sense?
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hrisme - I read your post with a strange feeling of recognition going through my head. My dd had a huge issue with Santa this year. We had elf on the shelf and had started reading books about being a good kid so that Santa would bring you a present. We started to see her behavior going down the tubes, almost on purpose. We were so at a loss to what was going on, I sat her down and said, "Jesus knows you are a good girl and deserve a present from Santa so there is absolutely nothing you can do to keep him from coming. You can be as horrible as you want and Jesus knows your heart is good so Santa will come." Do you know the bad behavior stopped. I was floored. But in reading your post it described what I thought was going on which was she was scared that she might not be good enough so she would just be bad because that way she felt like she was controlling the situation. IE easier to be bad than wrong/disappointed.
Just thought I would let you know that this was helpful.
Thanks
Thank you everybody for your responses I have listened to what has been said to me and have tried slowing down on what I am asking her. It has been hard trying to figure things out when you don't know anyone who is going through the same things as us. My DH are working hard and slowing down more and allowing more time for the information to be processed. Thank you all very much.