Another question for adoptees

In late April I finally sent a letter to my birthson, asking if he was interested in contact. I haven't heard anything from him yet, and I'm getting the feeling that I won't. He's still young (23) and maybe he just needs more time. In any event, here's my question. Would you have been bothered by a request for contact, or would you see it in a positive light, even if you had no interest in reunion? The reason I ask is because I'm worried that I've upset him and he didn't want to hear from me at all. I just didn't want him thinking that I placed him for adoption and never looked back or thought about him again. Does it help knowing that your birthparents cared enough to try to establish contact, even if you never wanted to? I'm sorry if this comes out convulted, I can't seem to express what I'm thinking very well. I'm more sad than I've been letting on, even though I knew it would probably be like this. Thanks for any help with this.

Reunions don't create pain but bring up the pain that has been there all along. If you can look at it as his unwillingness to deal with the pain right now instead of rejection it isn't so crushing anymore.

My story is somewhat similar but my son is a little older. I searched for him not the other way around. I think this makes a huge difference. If the adoptee wants a reunion and does the searching, the likelihood of a successful reunion is more prevalent. I found him 5 years ago after 11 years of searching (this also was a closed adoption). I started my search for him the day he turned 18 and was finally able to reach out to him at age 34 (he is now 35). It took me 5 years to reach out to him after I located him. I was so frightened he would think I was disrupting his life. I first made contact with him last year, 2010, when I sent a representative who called him. Then I sent a letter of introduction, left a voice message on his machine, and an additional letter with no response from him at all. He just ignored the whole contact thing. I finally dropped off a letter at his place of employment basically stating that I am very sorry he has opted not to reunite at this time which I wanted to personally hand to him, but he sent his boss to meet with me so I gave it to him to give to my son. His boss asked me to chat a bit, which I did and am very thankful for as he answered some questions that I only wanted to talk to my son about, but had no option to do that. I sent a thank you note to his boss for chatting with me. Finally, at this point I received a letter from my son. The wave of emotions was unbelievable when I saw that letter in the mail, but when I openned it, my world came crashing down. He basically said: 1. He has no ill will toward me 2. He never heard anything bad about me 3. He never really wanted me to know who he was 4. He does not have much of an interest in meeting with me. Maybe some day but not now. 5. He got my letters and contact info. If my contact info should change, I could let him know if I want to. 6. Never come to his place of employment like that again. 7. If I have business at his place of employment do not use it as an excuse to try to meet him or get info about him (which has never happened EVER so where he is getting this from I do not know). 8. Respect him and his space. 9. If something should change the way he feels he will let me know. That is it in a nut shell. He lives very close to me (still living with his a-mother, his a-father passed in late 2009). He works in the same industry as I do plus I know some people who work at the same place he does. I have been at his place of employment quite a few times (before I knew he worked there & several times after). I am now trying to avoid having to go there because of his rejection. That is the other crazy thing, I am sure we have seen each other not knowing he was right in front of my face over the years. I am actively looking to get out of this industry which will help me not go to his place of employment again. I must say though that I do, even now, look for him when I go to the community as it is difficult not to look for him or try to see him drive by. Plus I have been going to this area for social activities since 1984 when he was only 8 years old, again not knowing this is the community where he lived. This is quite dramatic for me because of the pleasure I have going to the area for many years, but now it adds a terrible feeling for me knowing that my son is right there and doesn't even want to meet me, to know where he comes from. But why should I change my social activity because of him not wanting to know anything about me or his beginnings? I was hoping that he was a "good man", but apparently this is not the case or at least with me. He does have a criminal background for a fight with his a-father and for pot. The other sad part is I have a big box of items that I have been saving for him over the years, like pictures, I made a diamond ring for him with three diamonds in it representing him, me and his a-parents which I call the "Triad Ring", some significant documents and a couple of dvd's I made for him. I was hoping to give this box to him when I met him, but now it will not happen. He just had a birthday this past June so I did sent him a basic birthday card (this was 6 months after I received his rejection letter). I was not sure if that was a good thing to do or not because of him not wanting any contact with me. Maybe some of the adoptees on this site can share with me their thoughts on this one and my whole situation. I am absolutely crushed, sad, and having an extremely difficult time moving on with my life and letting go of him and the whole situation. I know I must do this. Any words of wisdom from people is greatly appreciated! Thanks.