My Story Part I

Okay, I've never done this before. I've never really told my story, so I don't know if I can actually do it. But here goes nothing. I am 24 years old. I am a recovering drug addict, and I have been to prison 3 times. I really think I need to tell you about my Birth Mother (who I refer to as my egg donor) so that you can better understand where I'm coming from. My egg donor was/is a drug addict. For as long as I can remember, I've always said that I wouldn't be anything like her. My only goal in life was to live a better life than that. The first time I went to prison, I had never done drugs except for one time with my egg donor when I was 9. Exactly 5 days after my release, I got pregnant. I was so excited.... I was finally going to have someone who would love me unconditionally.... I couldn't wait for my baby to get here. When I was 3 months pregnant, I met my ex-husband. I married him less than a month after I met him, and then found out that he was a dope dealer and a pimp. It wasn't long before he had me strung out on crack-cocaine and was forcing me to prostitute myself. I actually got sober when I was about 7 months pregnant. I cleaned up completely. A week before my due date, my egg donor called me asking me to hook her up with one of my connects....she needed a fix. At first, I wouldn't do it. I told her that I didn't do that stuff anymore and I couldn't be around it. In the end, I gave in to her begging. Like always, I just wanted her to love me....I always did what she wanted in an effort to earn her acceptance and approval. I ended up getting high with her that day. The next day, I went into labor. Tei'Arra LeighAnne Moneique (the name I gave her) was born July 24, 2007, at 9:17 am. She was perfect. At 6:55 pm that same night, she was taken from me. She and I both tested positive for cocaine, so she was placed in emergency DHS protective custody. I had never even thought about giving my baby up, so it killed me to have to walk out of that hospital without her. 2 weeks later, my aunt and uncle took her in as a kinship foster home. I had gone back to the streets and the drugs.... My uncle would bring Tei'Arra to see me once a week, and those were the happiest moments of my life. In October of 2007, Tei'Arra was only 3 months old..... My uncle and his lawyer came to me and told me that if I didn't relinquish my rights to Tei'Arra and let my uncle adopt her, that she would end up going to strangers and I would never see her again. At this same meeting, he also told me that if I would just sign the papers to get DHS outta the picture, he would pay me $10,000 when it was all over. They promised me that they would never keep her from me, and that she would always know who her mother is.... I was sent back to prison in December for a violation of probation. It was onl supposed to be a year, but ended up being 20 months and 1 day. Today, I'm clean and sober and have been since December of 2007. I'm going to school to get my ASE certification and become a mechanic. Tei'Arra just turned 4 last week. I haven't seen her since she was 4 months old. My uncle's empty promises still resounding in my brain....... My egg donor (who is still using drugs) gets to see Tei'Arra. My uncle is fighting multiple criminal charges right now and is probably going to prison as well for drugs and hot checks. It really angers me that Tei'Arra was taken from me due to my drug usage, but yet now that I'm sober and living life the way it was meant to be lived, I still can't see her....and the people who do get to see her are doing the same things that caused me to lose her. I honestly believe that I did the best thing for her by relinquishing my rights. At the time, I wasn't ready to get off the dope and I had no business dragging an innocent child through the life I chose to live. However, here I am 4 years later, finding myself unable to function when Christmas, Mother's Day, or birthdays roll around each year. I don't know how to deal with my feelings of guilt and shame. Deep down, even though it is killing me to not be a part of my daughter's life, I am able to accept the situation as long as she is happy and cared for. But I can't accept the fact that she is being raised by drug addicts and is living the very same life that I wanted to keep her out of. Well, that's about all I can say for now. My heart can only take so much at once. There's more to the story, but I need to take an emotional break. If anyone who reads my story can offer me some kind of advice or suggestion as to how I can move forward in my life, I would greatly appreciate it. Right now, anything is better than what I've been doing (which is nothing). Most of all, I just want to be able to say that I love my daughter with all my heart and soul. She is the reason I am the person I am today. I would give my life just to be able to hold her one more time.... But I still have 14 years to wait. I can't spend the next 14 years holing up in my bed crying all the time whenever I think about her. Someone please help me........ At the end of the day, I have to remind myself of one very important thing: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13. God will get me through this, I know he will.... I'm just hoping that I am able to find that person(s) who he sends to help show me the way.