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When I adopted my son (from fostercare) I promised his 1st mom that she could she him regularly. We visited monthly, then every couple of months, and now its about 2 times a year.
I found out about this website from a friend and decided to search for my son's bioparents. It has mugshots and the details of the arrest. Well, I found some VERY disturbing information about both his bios. Serious offenses (assault with deadly weapon and carrying concealed handgun) and recent drug arrests.
Our visits were always in a public place so I felt pretty safe. Now, with the infomation I found on-line, I'm not sure its safe. I feel conflicted because of the promise I made. And, despite her serious issues, his biomom is a nice person with a crappy past who just can't get it together. And she's lost all her kids. And I made a promise to her that she could she her youngest baby. I don't know if I can keep this promise now. Obviously, my child's safety is the most important thing.
So, here's my question: do I address this issue directly (as in: you can't see him anymore because I found out you are using and were arrested for serious offenses) or indirectly (you need to meet me at the mall for visits); they won't go to the mall because they have to take a bus there and they refuse to do this. But, what if they DO agree to take the bus. Or, do I tell them that visits are just not possible right now (with no explanantions).
Thanks for your feedback. This sucks- for my son, his bios, and me :(
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In the two years you have done visits have they ever done anything to make you or your child unsafe?My deal with my kids bios is that as long as NOTHING affects my child, they don't show up for visits high or drunk, and they don't make threats etc then visits happen. I don't care what they are doing in the rest of their lives (I mean that is the reason we were able to adopt, right? because they were struggling with serious issues). I will not judge their choices - they pay the consequences (I will not do visits at rehab facilities or in jail) for those adult choices AS LONG AS their choices don't affect my children. If she has been respectful, and the visits have gone well, I see no legitimate reason to cancel them.
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Jensboys
In the two years you have done visits have they ever done anything to make you or your child unsafe?
My deal with my kids bios is that as long as NOTHING affects my child, they don't show up for visits high or drunk, and they don't make threats etc then visits happen. I don't care what they are doing in the rest of their lives (I mean that is the reason we were able to adopt, right? because they were struggling with serious issues). I will not judge their choices - they pay the consequences (I will not do visits at rehab facilities or in jail) for those adult choices AS LONG AS their choices don't affect my children. If she has been respectful, and the visits have gone well, I see no legitimate reason to cancel them.
I think if you approach her with that attitude - that you are aware, that you are concerned, but that you will respect the fact that they haven't done anything to jeopardize your relationship. Make clear your boundaries and stick to them - but I think a bit of mutual respect can go a long way. Our girls mother goes to EXTREME Lengths to make sure that nothing inappropriate happens at visits. She won't even smoke cigarettes anywhere near us, she flips out if a family member of hers joining us so much as says "crap". She knows I am firm in my boundaries, but also is SO Thankful I give her the chance. The reality is in the rest of her life she is an addict dealing with serious issues that can relate to criminal acts - but for that one hour visit, she does her best to be who she wishes she was for the kids.
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