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Hi, Im a 24 year old from Australia. When I was 13 years old I thought I had it all. I was going out with the cutest guy in my class and was fairly popular. It turns out the guy I was going out with wasnt so great. He was 14 and want to boast to all his friends that we did it. We broke up every other week and now I am not even sure I actually even loved him. To be honest I am pretty sure I didnt. I dont know why I did the things I did (cant take them back now) The sad thing is I dont even know when my first time was. I always thought it would be as you saw on TV. I always thought I would remember the date, time, place, feelings, what i wore EVERYTHING. I remember none of it. I fell pregnant when I was 13. I think I knew I was pregnant all along but pushed it so far back in my mind it wasnt real. We were moving and I was so scared to tell my mum. I told her when I was 15 weeks pregnant. I will never in my life forget the way my mother looked at me. Not of disgust or disapointment but of pure guilt. She felt guilty for anything and everything. I dont think I will or could have a better mother. She was my best friend and I will always love her for the support she gave me. So I was 13 and pregnant. I was stuck. My mother had already planned everything so we were moving. I didnt go to school in my new town. My mum had organised for me to do home schooling. Her and her partner would take me out and about on weekends. My so called boyfriend didnt call me once. When I had told him I was going to tell my mum he begged and pleaded for me not to tell her he knew. I will always despise him for that..... I got bigger and bigger. I knew I wanted to adopt straight away. To be honest I would have had an abortion but as i was 15 weeks that was no longer a choice. I met with the adoption agency and everything was a go. I recieved counselling and support but I never really felt sad. I remember feeling relieved. So by the time my daughter was born I was 14. I remember as soon as I had he the nurse went to give her to me and i just looked away. They then gave her to my mum who was there. After a while I held her. It all seemed so surreal. I was only a child myself but I was old enough to understand that it didnt feel right. Dont get me wrong I cared for this little person but even now 10 years on I still doubt whether I 'love' her or not (as mean as that sounds) I took my daughter home for 10 days. I remember one night I sat in the hall way crying and rocking myself back and forward. After all I was a child trying to care for a child. Thats when I knew it wasnt ment to be. I took my daughter tot he adoption agency a few days later and she was put into foster care. .. And all this and I felt nothing. Not sad. Not angry. Just relief. I chose a lovely couple for my daughter.. I knew they would give her the time and care and love I could not. I have seen her once since they have had her. They are very open and often in the start wanted to try and organise meet ups... but I never wanted to. Sometimes my daughter calls me but it is never me that calls her. I have no interest and I dont know what is wrong with me. Birthmothers would love the kind of access that I have but I just dont want it. Why would I rather have none? The thing I have learnt about this whole experience is that feelings are feelings. You cant understand them, you cant tell them what to do and you cant ignore them. They are your feelings and you should trust them. I feel like way I do because it is right for me and I cant live to make others happy. Just because something is suppose to be hard doesnt mean it will be... and it certainly doesnt mean its wrong. I have come to terms with the fact that I do love my daughter but in a differant way to her "mother". After all I do not know her... she is a stranger to me. But it is my choice!
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That was amazing for you to be honest and share it. I believe your child has always belong to them. How blessed they are to have your child and that you made the right decision! I am looking to adopt myself and I am praying peace for the birth mother. I believe you are blessed, thank you for giving someone a blessing!
janebubble
I recieved counselling and support but I never really felt sad. I remember feeling relieved. So by the time my daughter was born I was 14. I remember as soon as I had he the nurse went to give her to me and i just looked away. They then gave her to my mum who was there. After a while I held her. It all seemed so surreal. I was only a child myself but I was old enough to understand that it didnt feel right. Dont get me wrong I cared for this little person but even now 10 years on I still doubt whether I 'love' her or not (as mean as that sounds)
ulfsark
Does this mean birthparents don't want to be contacted by adoptees?
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Dear JaneBubble, Thank you for your amazing honesty. You are not alone in having had a very early experience with giving birth. One of the most amazing mothers I have known gave up her childhood to raise her own baby (born when she was thirteen). She had no parental support, so she and her child moved from place to place with help of strangers like me who were in awe of her sacrifice. She did get a high school equivalency after making sure that her daughter got everything, including college first. I was very sad that she had given up her own life this way, but I suspect that she was so flooded with guilt that she saw no other path. She would tell me that she was more grateful to be a mother as it kept her off drugs and alcohol in a place where they were rampant. It was not so many years ago that people were married much younger and lived a simple life on one of their family's farms or ranches. My friend's path was the opposite from yours, but the guilt which I sense from your post and from her sacrifice is where adoption seems to be failing-not the people who have made a mistake. I don't know how the system can be better, but looking at the suffering of so many people on this board it is evident to me that it is a rare adoption in which all parties are thriving-and think then they have less reason to seek this board. I think that your lack of emotion needs to be worked out in therapy, but it could be as simple as failure to bond with the baby. Did you know that even mothers of premature babies or babies born with serious illness are terrified to bond with a child which they might lose? My younger son was born nine weeks early and was in NICU (neonatal intensive care) for 12 weeks. I stayed in hospital for much of that time (as this was caused by placenta pre via and abruption and they might have lost me) and I pumped breast milk for that whole time and sat for hours with my baby and his monitors. I saw very few mothers in that time (or fathers) and was told that I was unusual in that most mothers both were so terrified that they could not bond and/or elected to be with their other children. I thank you for your story and pray that you find peace soon. LLAWEN
janebubble
Hi, Im a 24 year old from Australia. When I was 13 years old I thought I had it all. I was going out with the cutest guy in my class and was fairly popular. It turns out the guy I was going out with wasnt so great. He was 14 and want to boast to all his friends that we did it. We broke up every other week and now I am not even sure I actually even loved him. To be honest I am pretty sure I didnt. I dont know why I did the things I did (cant take them back now) The sad thing is I dont even know when my first time was. I always thought it would be as you saw on TV. I always thought I would remember the date, time, place, feelings, what i wore EVERYTHING. I remember none of it. I fell pregnant when I was 13. I think I knew I was pregnant all along but pushed it so far back in my mind it wasnt real. We were moving and I was so scared to tell my mum. I told her when I was 15 weeks pregnant. I will never in my life forget the way my mother looked at me. Not of disgust or disapointment but of pure guilt. She felt guilty for anything and everything. I dont think I will or could have a better mother. She was my best friend and I will always love her for the support she gave me. So I was 13 and pregnant. I was stuck. My mother had already planned everything so we were moving. I didnt go to school in my new town. My mum had organised for me to do home schooling. Her and her partner would take me out and about on weekends. My so called boyfriend didnt call me once. When I had told him I was going to tell my mum he begged and pleaded for me not to tell her he knew. I will always despise him for that..... I got bigger and bigger. I knew I wanted to adopt straight away. To be honest I would have had an abortion but as i was 15 weeks that was no longer a choice. I met with the adoption agency and everything was a go. I recieved counselling and support but I never really felt sad. I remember feeling relieved. So by the time my daughter was born I was 14. I remember as soon as I had he the nurse went to give her to me and i just looked away. They then gave her to my mum who was there. After a while I held her. It all seemed so surreal. I was only a child myself but I was old enough to understand that it didnt feel right. Dont get me wrong I cared for this little person but even now 10 years on I still doubt whether I 'love' her or not (as mean as that sounds) I took my daughter home for 10 days. I remember one night I sat in the hall way crying and rocking myself back and forward. After all I was a child trying to care for a child. Thats when I knew it wasnt ment to be. I took my daughter tot he adoption agency a few days later and she was put into foster care. .. And all this and I felt nothing. Not sad. Not angry. Just relief. I chose a lovely couple for my daughter.. I knew they would give her the time and care and love I could not. I have seen her once since they have had her. They are very open and often in the start wanted to try and organise meet ups... but I never wanted to. Sometimes my daughter calls me but it is never me that calls her. I have no interest and I dont know what is wrong with me. Birthmothers would love the kind of access that I have but I just dont want it. Why would I rather have none? The thing I have learnt about this whole experience is that feelings are feelings. You cant understand them, you cant tell them what to do and you cant ignore them. They are your feelings and you should trust them. I feel like way I do because it is right for me and I cant live to make others happy. Just because something is suppose to be hard doesnt mean it will be... and it certainly doesnt mean its wrong. I have come to terms with the fact that I do love my daughter but in a differant way to her "mother". After all I do not know her... she is a stranger to me. But it is my choice!
It is wonderful that you are so honest with yourself and everyone else. Your feelings are not something you can control and so many people lie about what they feel or fake it in order to please others or to avoid judgement. You realized at a very young age that you did not have the feelings or means to give this little girl the love and support she would need and you did what was best for her. So many mother's hang on to their children for fear of being judged by others and all they are doing is depriving their children of what they deserve most, LOVE. It is great that you understand now that you do love this little girl in your own way. One day she may want to meet you and for you to be completely cold or to not feel any emotion may cause her pain. She is 14 years younger than you. She won't understand what you went through fully. She may never grasp it. So it is nice that before that time comes you have came to terms with it. Counseling may be helpful so that you know how to approach the situation should she want to meet you. You may not want to meet her but in my opinion, in these situations, we as mothers have to sometimes put aside our feelings for a moment and do what is best to help the children cope during difficult times. I am not saying you have to meet her, that is your choice, but before you make that choice think about how it will effect her. If it seems to be something important to her then perhaps the best gift you can give her (other than the amazing one of a loving family--which you gave her at a very young age) is to meet her, let her ask her questions, give her answers she may be struggling to find, give her peace of mind and closure. This will help her to move forward in her life. Again, thank you for being so honest. It is much easier for other mother's who may have similar feelings to come to terms with them if they realize they are not alone. That there is nothing wrong with them for feeling that disconnect. Your honesty will help others and that in itself is a blessing. Best of luck!!!