Dealing with Racist Comments

I believe it was the OP's last post. My two sons looks biracial, and actually they per our DNA (dh and I ) are. Based on the demographics of my oldest son's middle school we went through the how Blacks and Whites will treat you. We discussed how SES affects how people will treat him, and also how subtle actions is just as bad as the vocal Black kid calling you an Oreo. Yes, he was called an Oreo, rich boy, questioned as to how Black he was, called Blasian (black and Asian) Even now, he is teased in a mild way that he meets a certain ethnic group. Since we move amongst all types of ethnicity, cultures, and lived in a couple of different SES levels.. we were prepared to help him out. If we did not then he would feel similar, especially since he was raised in a upper middle class neighborhood. We want him to view all regardless of their race, or SES with an equal lens. We want him to be fine with the individual he is, firm/proud in his identity as an AA, and prepared to not get shocked in different social circles as a young adult..and become disgruntled. Frankly, I see Blacks/AAs who were not prepared, and it usually comes down to how Blacks reacted, yet will give a CC person a pass.

You are correct that subtle things can be just as hurtful as direct comments. I fully agree with discussing these things with your children and I plan on doing that with my biracial son. But there are a lot of people who would assume the situation that I described earlier was based on race. We actually did this in a class that I was attending and almost all of the couples said they would tell the teacher that they need to be more aware of the racism in their classroom until the instructor discussed that not EVERYTHING is about race. Yes, there are clearly times that you don't have to think about it. I would never suggest that there are times that you shouldn't address the racism head-on (subtle things should also be addressed immediately). I fully believe that most of the time there is no question about racism. I raise the point (as I did in my class and was complemented by the instructor) that if you are unsure it's better to figure out the intention before immediately assuming it's race related. I was called "oreo", "zebra", "ghetto baby" so I know all of that very well. The worst comment came from some AA girls (I was in HS) talking about how my mom stole one of the "good brothers" and I ought to be ashamed of that. I'm not ashamed of anything about my upbringing but I also know that there were times that I made things about race when they weren't (as I was growing up). There was a time in college that I reported something as racism and realized after the fact (when I talked with a close AA friend) that it was really not about race at all.

Which was my answer, add the fact that I am an experienced parent..and one has to investigate.. even if your gut tells you otherwise. Investigating and logical approach still validate one's child, and teaches them how to approach situations in a productive manner.

Did your parents talk about race relations, or helped you along as we are doing with our son?

My parents were awesome about talking with us about race. I remember sitting on the kitchen table talking to my dad about how people will view us and how to respond when I was 3. My parents also had to address people with disabilities because my little brother was born with downs' syndrome. I had a big mouth and was the child that would step up to an adult and tell them that "I'm biracial and that means that my mom is white and my dad is black and there is nothing wrong with that". We also had some racism within the family that had to be addressed. I didn't meet my mom's father until I was 27 because he wrote her off for marrying my dad (things have changed but it still hurts). I thank my parents for giving me the tools to deal with the comments. Sometimes it is best just to ignore it and walk away (times when you are threatened or there is no way you're going to change someone's opinion). My parents taught us that sometimes you have to use humor to calm a situation before you can actually address the racism that is occuring. (The story my dad always shares was about showing up for his first day of active duty in the army and his CO saying "you're black?" and my dad's response being "how did that happen?") My parents also realized that they were never going to completely understand what we were going through because they had the opportunity to fit into one category. Growing up in the 80s being biracial was not as accepted as it is now. I remember a lot of times thinking about how I wish I fit into one category or another (now I can't be classified :evilgrin:) I think back to college applications and there being no box for me to check (I was so mad - the school changed it now partially because I included a letter about how not everyone fits into the categories provided). I had several friends (AA) who's parents didn't talk about race at all and I felt that I ended up counseling them when they faced racism. I think it is a huge mistake to think that it is not necessary to help your kids understand why the world is so cruel. It will make him a strong adult capable of dealing with whatever the world can throw at him.

So the right preparation is the key. Identity is huge for people of color, being placed in an inflexible box or category is not appealing.Stereotypes are just that.

Nickchris,Your last link was interesting. I read the book while we were first waiting to be matched because it had been recommended to us. I didn't take the point of the book to be about teaching children to be colorblind at all. I took it as a resource to show how children at different ages perceive race. I should note I only read the first two sections...those on pre-school and grade school aged kids. I should read those sections again and finish the book to see if I can see what PACT is talking about.Some of the content of the book has helped me personally see how my daughter is noticing other people's race and helped me to respond in an age appropriate way when she has questions or makes comments about skin color differences in people. For that reason, I'm glad I read what parts of the book that I did read.Do you know of any resources for CC parents of CC kids to teach about race issues? This is just one of those things I can never fully understand, my bio kids will not ever be able to fully understand...but I'd like to raise children that don't make racist statements or do racist things inadvertently, KWIM? Of course, I'd like to not do those things myself either :)Sorry to go so OT.

this kind hit me a bit, and i'm not sure if its in a negative or positive way. But its making me think and I like questions that make me really dig deep. We didn't really discuss race in my house, it was normal for me to see a CC mom and a AA dad. And to have "aunties" who were hispanic, I guess coming for a military family I was just used to seeing mixed families and thinking it was perfectly "normal" (and by that never had to think about how it was taboo) I did know the struggles my parents went through in the 60s and 70s and just thinking "well its not like that now" until I started dating a CC boy in middle school and his dad assumed I was Hawaiian and his mom told me to just go with it because he didn't want his son "dating a black girl" and in all honesty i'm only 1/4 AA but you'd never guess that by my looks hm.... food for thought... thanks for posing that question NickChris, you always make me think :grouphug:

Sorry, had a friend named Irene stop by. :coffee:I would need to check the book out and give specific passages. If you want I can look over the book and give the passages that I did not agree with via PM. The book is not all bad info. However, in a general sense, it appears the portion of the message was geared towards Black parents. Message: Stop over thinking about race, go beyond the old days...etc etc; My parents did not sit me down and talk about lynchings, and such..I tend to tread lightly with the heavy aspect of race. However, I do approach civil rights with a light hand. Dh and I decided to not show our teen the clip of the recent killing of the Black man in Mississippi, it was hard enough for adults to swallow much less a child. Some Black parents may not to feel the same. I think she generalized too much, and under estimated the fact that small kids do notice and can internalize certain negative situations. It became a favorite of some trans-racial parents, and the message taken by some was not conducive to raising a child of color.. as people who may need to prepare them-self to raise a child of color. kwim? Others had reservations about the full message. Check out amazon's reviews. Per this link, there are a few links of other comparative book title suggestions: [URL="http://loveisntenough.com/2009/04/01/book-review-im-chocolate-youre-vanilla/"]Book review: “I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla” | Love Isn't Enough - on raising a family in a colorstruck world[/URL]

There has been a lot of progress since I was a kid. Yet, I still see the subtle stuff, and it is a different outlook approach in the suburbs.. I am in a better position than my hard working new immigrant parents. I am in knee deep right now with the teen and potential dating. :woohoo: many female friends of various races, but he told me that a couple of the dads gave him a weird look. We kind of gave him a few possibilities. 1. in general a lot of dads are protective of their daughters, 2. his female friends just gush (in I guess an excited way) about how he is a great friend, miss him.. it may scare the parent. and 3. discussed what to look out for in budding relationships. Dh and I are leery that those looks may be because he is Black, but we like to give a few options, as we are not sure. His dad who had a similar experience.. is the main to go parent on this. :-O To take away from the prevalent only Black White thing... we looked and was glad to find his school which has a large % of minorities from different backgrounds, countries. I would love to go easy, but over time I realize with each kid, I have/will need to go down a certain path. My middle kid with the most ambivalent looks, is firm in his AA identity, and is more outspoken. I can see the wheels turning in his head. When it's time for DD to date, who knows? right now I am glad she colors her people brown. lol

HopingGA: the problem with walking away, is if a child of color continually hears crap like this, he/she may internalize it. Now, not everything is about race. But alot is. A comment that "they make..." is about race. and while my oldest is very good in track and bball, I don't want him becoming an athlete. I also get the "he's so well spoken". That I may let roll off my back as some people don't have much exposure to black teens. But categorizing is wrong!!

Nickchris...that'd be greatly appreciated! I'm going to check out some of the books in the review you posted as well...I'm going to have some down time in the next few months so I'll be able to read most of them I think.I think the way I took the book is exactly the way the author of the review took it...so reading it a second time to catch some things I may have missed will be interesting. I wonder if I missed some of the things simply because I don't have the experience with racism that some of the other posters on the review have...both because I am CC and because I do not have nonCC children, so I just flat out can't really know. Not that that's just an excuse...just wonder if it has anything to do with it.

Millie58 - I am a child of color btw. Yes, I know that the "they" comments are about race. I have had my share of "they" comments during my lifetime. I was simply suggesting that not every comment is about race. The example was not the best example of a time that it's not about race. I would get a lot of the "you talk/act too white (whatever that means)" when I was growing up. I learned that there are times when I should speak up and there are times when it isn't going to matter what I do. I totally understand about internalizing racist comments, but there are times when it is probably best to walk away or you may be subjected to worse comments. It's important to know when to fight and when it's best to walk away. Sometimes it would be more damaging to continue the conversation. I gave specific examples of the times that I would walk away....it's a dangerous situation/the person continues to make racist comments when confronted about the racism. I am in no way did I suggest that you should always walk away from racism. I personally do not want to continue to talk to person who was calling me names/making racist comments. I had to deal with a guidance counselor in high school who believed that all children of color should go to a trade school not college (I was an honor roll student - top 25% of my class). There was no point in continuing to try and convince this man that I was going to amount to something more than what he believed, so I requested a new counselor. I walked away. Wouldn't it be more damaging to continue to hear racist comments than to just walk away?

Yes, that's with an older child, or adult. Smaller kid, the less negative internalized the better. In this case, as the parent of a small child/baby its up to us to nip it in the bud, polite approach can apply to such too. While not always possible, or we have differing thoughts on what is crossing the line... that is our role right?

Hey, at least you are reading right, :-) do not over think the small details of what you picked up on or not. I cannot vouch for the links per say.. but they may be a bit more helpful.