really needs advice!

Hi Star99, and welcome to the board. I'm not sure what advice I can give you at the moment. I just wanted you to know you were not alone in this. It's difficult, and quite hard to adjust to sometimes, especially when you have spent the majority of your life thinking one thing about your father, thehn finding out what you thought wasn't true at all. I was told one thing by my birthmother, spent years believing it, and when I contacted my birthfather, well, I guess, there is always two sides to the story, so to speak. I spent 40 years thinking my birthfather was a jerk, who got my Bmom pregnant by taking advantage of her, left her holding the bag, and didn't care about either of us. His reaction when I contacted him was so far the opposite, it stunned me to say the least. Long story short, it seemed I had found my fairytale dad, and reunion, in the beginning. As we got to know one another, exspectations, on both sides, were not met. Our fairytale reunion fell apart, and there was no contact for a couple of years. A while back, we reestablished contact. it was difficult. the thing is we had to accept each other as we are, not what we wanted each other to be. I had to decide if I was willing to do that. I had to decide what kind of relationship I was willing to have with him. What did I want out of this? It took a lot of sole searching to put it all in some sort of perspective. On top of all the other feelings in reunion, the disappointment when our BPs aren't exactly what we expected, hoped, it's hard, and it hurts. The only advice I can think to give you, at the moment, is to try to look deeper than the surface. This is all new, sometimes first impressions are deceiving? He may, in fact, not have the same ethics and morals you have. My dad didn't/doesn't share all mine. It's part of who he is, and I am who I am. We are making it work by not expecting things, well, we shouldn't, and cannot, expect from each other. We are accepting each other as we are. Kind of lame advice for your situation, I know. I understand how difficult and overwhelming it can all be. It will take time to get to know each other, for you to decide what you want out of this, and for the two of you to build whatever relationship you will have, whatever that may be. Hang in there, and come here anytime you need to let it out, or want to talk. We are here to listen, and help if we can.

Hello, thank u so much for replying i nearly deleated post as i was so ashamed at what i wrote! I feel awful for feeling embarressed when we first meet and i want to go back and do it again! I know i cant, i cant see to think or talk about anything else, i just want to hug him and tell him sorry for judging him even thou he doesnt know i did! I cant stop crying about this im so emotional!

Hi Star99. I went through the same thing when I made contact with my bfather 2 years ao. I was lucky. My family was very supportive but mostly kept their opinions to themselves because they knew that only I could decide what type of relationship I wanted with my birth family. If I asked (which I did ocassionally) they would give me their advise and opinion. I also went through the "can't stop thinking about him and wanting to see him" stage - even now, I have days like that. My reunion turned out really well. I have 2 half-brothers and find myself amazed sometimes at the habits, likes and dislikes we share even though we weren't raised together. I followed my heart first, but keep my brain "in the loop." I found happiness somewhere in the midde and hope you do too!

Star99, Sounds to me like you've got a lot of "layers" going on at the moment. In addition to the "normal" (if there are such things) feelings of reuniting with birth family, you've got the extra layers of how you feel about how you feel about reuniting with your father. Enough to make your head spin, right? ;) The good news is that you have a birth father who is open to reunion with you. By now each of you is the person that you are. It's a question of what type of relationship you may have going forward, if any. At this point I can only second Shadow's words about looking deeper than the surface. And one last thing...while I can understand where you're coming from, I'm glad you didn't delete your post. This type of forum is a place to come for support and answers. No embarassment needed. Best, PADJ

No need to be ashamed. You are just human. It's a lot to absorb, all this reunion stuff. When I first contacted D, my Bdad, I was consumed with those thoughts too. OMG, the crying I did. I compare it to a volcano erupting inside me...the emotions. Theyjust came exploding out. There is nothing wrong with it, a fairly normal, human reaction to years of pent up grief. It is grief you are feeling. You will hear a lot about that on the forums. For now, just remember to breathe. Take a deep breath, and then another. Sometimes, that's the best we can do at times like this.