The "hard" questions

August 30, 2011

I've been in contact with my bdaughter for about 6 months now. We haven't met face to face or even spoken on the phone, but we've emailed several times and I have mailed her some cards and gifts for various special occasions. I've heard many of you talk about "the hard questions." What are they? How do I prepare myself? I've been pretty straightforward with her about the circumstances surrounding my decision to place her. She has been in reunion with her birth father for several years and they have a good relationship. I have no bad feelings toward him, although I do feel guilt for the hurt I caused him and his family by making the decision to place her without allowing him to be part of that decision (25 years ago). What I really want to know is how do we get past the small talk of "how's the weather" and move on to more deep conversation? I don't want to push her away, but when I mention that I want to meet her some day, or give her my phone number and invite her to call - she completely skirts the comments, and redirects with "the weather is great here" etc. She's always very polite and gracious - we just don't seem to be moving anywhere in this relationship other than being occasional pen pals. I'm sure it all takes time, but I want more, although I just don't know what "more" is. Can anyone relate to this? Thoughts?? Advice???

Thanks!

jjjmom

Gwen72

August 31, 2011

I wasn't worried about my son asking hard questions when we reunited. I was in high school, still living at home when I got pregnant with him. His birth father denied the child was his and my father said I could not live at home if I kept the baby. He said, "I've already raised my kids. I'm not going to raise yours too." Both of my parents were alcoholics and my dad was also a drug addict so I didn't want to bring my son home to that anyway. I wanted my son to have a two parent, loving, stable home so I did the only thing I could do for him at the time. We made contact this past May. My son was 19 years old. I was open and honest with him about the circumstances surrounding his birth. He told me that he felt that I had made the right decision and he was glad that I chose the parents that I did for him. He said that he wanted to get to know me, wanted to be a part of my life, wanted to be involved in my son that I'm raising's life, wanted to come visit me. Since that time however, he has been very quiet. If I send him a note he will wait several days or weeks to answer. I think being an almost 20 year old has a lot to do with it. I have neices and nephews the same age and they are the same way about communicating with their parents and me. I imagine my son is also processing a lot of emotions that he was confronted with when we were reunited. I hope that he and I can move past the frindly little chit chats occasionally and develop a relationship. I'm just trying to stay calm, be cool, and let him advance the relationship at his own comfort level. Good luck on your continued reunion too!