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I'm not so much looking for advice as I am opinions:confused: . I may seem very cold about this but these are my feelings and I am more than willing to own up to them, right or wrong. So to make a long story longer (actually much shorter)... Birth father ran away when he found out birth mother was pregnant. He never looked back, I know this because he basically told me as much. Turns out he fathered a daughter and has been married for a number of years. I consider myself a good person but I have no respect for this guy, first through assumptions then from getting to know the real person he is. My question is: If you had a sibling out in the world somewhere, would you want to know? I have this "need" for lack of a better term to meet half-sister. I have all the info I need to do so but I am hesitant. I have no expectations, only hope that I could get to know her and we have a relationship. I realize that she might despise me or she might not. I feel this is his mistake, not mine. I'm 45 years old now, I believe she is 42-ish. She has no idea that I exist. I have met all siblings (7, like I said, its a loooong story) on birth mom's side and we have a great relationship. I grew up with one brother from same mom. I'm throwing a lot together here but my basic question remains: Would you want to know? Thanks for any and all input.
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I would want to know but then I am an adoptee. I have seen some who want to know and others who react badly. I do see a lot of siblings searching here for the one adopted out who they found out about after the death of their parent. I do think it is easier for kept siblings to accept when it is on the fathers side...wild oats is fine sterotype vs a mother - gasp - having sex before marriage. Good luck in whatever you decide. Kind regards,Dickons
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Dickons
I would want to know but then I am an adoptee. I have seen some who want to know and others who react badly.
I do see a lot of siblings searching here for the one adopted out who they found out about after the death of their parent.
I do think it is easier for kept siblings to accept when it is on the fathers side...wild oats is fine sterotype vs a mother - gasp - having sex before marriage.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
Kind regards,
Dickons
My opinion is to contact. You have nothing to lose.I could come ring your doorbell right now and sell you something. You tell me go go away or you could invite me in. She has a right to know and make up her own mind.
My sisters were glad to find me and I have chosen to end all contact with my Bdad and Bmom because they treat me like i'm something to be ashamed of. My sisters love me and always have.
I am happiest knowing them because I have a life line to my Bfamily to know if they are ok or if someone dies or my Bmom needs somthing. My door is always open, but the pain of giving me away is deep for her. It is easier for her to not deal with these feelings.
My medical history updates are the most important if not for me than for my son.
If you continue to do what you have always done you will continue to get what you have always gotten.
You will contact her and when you do please send me an update.
Thanks littlewanderer, I appreciate your input. I should have mentioned, I have made contact with him and he wants nothing to do with me and wants me to simply go away. He in no way wants his wife or daughter to know that I exist. In 45 years he never made any attempt to check on me, see where I ended up, or anything. I'm sure his choice would have been abortion had he stuck around long enough to voice his opinion. I'm going to take this nice and slow with her, knowing full well she may completely reject me, but I feel like I have the right to try.
I came out of a similar situation. Birth "dad" impregnates Birth "mom", twice(!) she kept first child, and he paid support on him. I was given up for adoption. And yes, b dad was married and there are several 1/2 brothers. One is only 3 months apart in age from me. I was found by b "mom" and b brother when I was in late thirties.
My opinion, is to just let it be. I'd think long and hard about my own motivation. Why do you want to look her up? Will she be hurt by the information, which is not her fault anymore than it was yours?
While meeting my b "family" was interesting, at first, seeing people that looked like me. I wish now that I would have just been left alone. I could have lived the rest of my life not knowing anymore than I already knew. I was told at 18 that I had a b brother but I never looked him or anyone else up and I never would have. My b brother felt the need, as you did, to look up, and stay in touch with b dad and brothers. Even though it was hurtful to their Mom. I never looked any of them up, or will I, ever. But as I said its only my opinion and everyones different. I certainly do understand your feeling the need to meet and feel a part of family. But sometimes its just better, for everyone, to leave things alone.
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If I had a sibling out there somewhere, I would want to know and I would reach out. My own mother had a half sister that she didn't know about until she was around age 12. They only met once, and it was not even a planned meeting. I often wondered why my mom didn't have any interest in knowing this sibling, espeically since she had children and so my mom would be an aunt to her kids. But my mom never wanted any contact. I guess everyone is different. I still wonder if that sister (who would be my aunt) is alive and have often thought about trying to search. Her sons would be my cousins. I never knew anyone on that side of the family as my mom's dad died when my mom was a baby and the rest of the family was estranged from my mom and her mother, who they felt was "beneath" my grandfather.
I say reach out and let the chips fall where they may.
JustPeachy
If I had a sibling out there somewhere, I would want to know and I would reach out. My own mother had a half sister that she didn't know about until she was around age 12. They only met once, and it was not even a planned meeting. I often wondered why my mom didn't have any interest in knowing this sibling, espeically since she had children and so my mom would be an aunt to her kids. But my mom never wanted any contact. I guess everyone is different. I still wonder if that sister (who would be my aunt) is alive and have often thought about trying to search. Her sons would be my cousins. I never knew anyone on that side of the family as my mom's dad died when my mom was a baby and the rest of the family was estranged from my mom and her mother, who they felt was "beneath" my grandfather.
I say reach out and let the chips fall where they may.
Ok, since you still think this could go "really well (?), or really bad". Maybe you should look at it from a different perspective? What if you were Arnold Swartzeneggers "love child" and nobody knew anything about you until you were 45 years old. Now you call up Maria and the kids and say "Hi, I'm your husbands/fathers kid too, he was doing my Mom when she was your maid". Do you think that she and the kids will be thrilled to see you, throw their arms around you and welcome you into the family? I'm thinking not. I'm afraid that you are setting yourself up to be really hurt and to possibly hurt others. (Unless they already know that you exist)? Just my own thoughts. Not trying to be negative. Its just I'm from the same situation so I kind of feel like I understand more than some that just say "I'd have to know my sibling". I just don't see a relationship happening. You know Oprah had a half sister show up recently. I wonder how thats going? The Mother didn't want to know her and Oprah was suspicious of her motives. Maybe all turned out well. I don't know. Its certainly your thing, and I hope all turns out well for you if its what you are determined to do.