New FP for preteens

I have kids that age and it's very normal for them to want to do this. At our house the rules are:Number 1. No sleep overs on school night's, also no going to friends homes on school nights because with homework, dinner, showers and such there isn't enough time.2. I have to meet the parents ahead of time and the kid. Usually I like to invite the kid over to our house first, this gives me a chance to see what the child is like. I always talk to the parents ahead of time and make sure they knew about the arrangements and will be home and ask what they have planned. (usually it's movies or games). Saturday night's usually I am picky about who they can sleep over with because I don't like them to miss church too much. 3, they need to ask at least 24 hours in advance and the must ask both sets of parents, though I usually expect them to ask the parent whose home they are planning to be at to say yes. 4. No opposite gender sleep overs. This seems like a no brainer, but it comes up. My son who is now 16 has more female than male friends. Even though I knew most were just friends we are still careful. 5. My own person rule, when they are at my house I check on them often, but here is my little trick, learned from a more experienced mom. I don't go empty handed, thus it doesn't seem I am checking on them. I may carry in a plate of cookies, or some chips or drinks, another time I may carry in some laundry that needs to go in that room. Another time it may be a video I think they will like or a game I think they will like. With boys food works best, just do smaller amounts so you have a reason to bring more in later, LOL. Girls will welcome you in if you bring a variety of nail polish and offer to do manicures. (make sure the other mom is good with it first) Good luck. Also get to know the mom's of their closest friends. Go for coffee with them or something if you can or invite mom and child for dinner. You can learn a lot about your kids from the parents of their friends and you can team up and share notes. Plus you being a new parent can benefit from talking to others parenting kids that same age. Then when things come up like. "everyone has a cell phone" you can get an idea of whether it's true or not. LOL

When I was new at parenting, I allowed my foster daughter much too much freedom to spend the night at friend's houses. As time went on, it turned out that my daughter was, understandably I suppose, drawn to friendships with kids from similarly abused backgrounds. So some of the friends she spent the night with had parents who, although they seemed just fine when interacting with me, were not so fine. Eventually I had a rule that until I felt really really comfortable about the friends' homes, that the friends could stay at our house, but my daughter couldn't stay at their houses.

I read your replies shortly after you responded but for some reason didn't respond myself. Sorry about that!I appreciate the info about the normalcy of the kids wanting to be with friends and me not being remotely the only FP who has ever had to work through this.Nevertheless, this quote reflects my concerns with some of the kids friends. I volunteer as the kids pastor at our church, which is in a tough neighborhood. I know the family of one of my foster son's best friends from church pretty well. That mom and I have a good relationship in many ways, but mom and her adult son are accused of being part of a major drug dealing network. Brother is a known gang member, and the house is a hub of activity. My foster son has spent the night there repeatedly in the past, and it's been the primary place he's wanted to go and has been repeatedly invited to. Now, I won't allow him to even walk across the street from the church to the boys' home alone to ask the boy to come play at the church. So that's friend #1. The friend has spent the night with us once, been over a couple times, gone to activities with us a couple times, and they've played plenty on the church grounds.I didn't know friend #2 prior to the foster son moving in. Friend #2's mom lost one of her kids to foster care; she says the baby tested positive for drugs at birth. So, I'm not comfortable letting the my FS spent the night with friend #2. I learned about the other child in foster care during the kids first visit, and I'm not sure I can approve a second. Friend #3 lives next door to his bio family. Until unsupervised visits are approved, I don't think it's wise to let him visit somewhere so close unless I'm there. He does get to interact with that friend some during family visits.So... yeah. That's my dilemma. He's a very social kid and physically-active boy, and there are no kids within a couple blocks of my house. I've been taking him a lot to the local Boys and Girls Club, and we're at church stuff a lot, but he still begs to see spend time with friends constantly.

Wow!! Are there sports or other activities where your kiddo could make friends? None of these situations sounds healthy and if a police situation comes up, what happens if your son is over there? My rule is not on school nights and I meet the parents. I love the idea of meeting the parents ahead of time. L, my 13 yo, is a complete follower. About a year ago, he come to me and says a friend is having a party/get-together and can he go? The friend comes over; I inquire about meeting his mom/dad. His response: "she doesn't answer the door/she doesn't answer the phone". There went that. 2 weeks later, same kid comes over and now there's a party for his nephew and mom is willing to meet me. L was on punishment so that was a wash!! I need to meet the parents because when I fostered a teen, he came home with a beer and said his friend's stepfather gave it to him. Just need to know where the parents are coming from.

He came to live with me too late to get signed up for football, but he wrestles on a team at our church. It doesn't start until November but will dominate our schedule when it does. I take him to the Boys and Girls Club a few days a week after school, where he can play basketball and pool and whatever with kids his age in a safe environment. He's got counselling, a boys' church group, and mentoring once a week through the wrestling team, so our schedule is pretty full too. Mostly, he needs a friend in the area to play with some after school and on weekends, and then those parents and I can get to know each other a little and consider overnights. When you say you don't let your kids go to friend's homes on school nights, do you mean that you don't let them play outside with friends either? I just want him to be able to play catch with a football in the backyard or ride bikes with a friend close to the house and the like... but there are no kids around. His school is just three blocks away, but it's a magnet school and not many of the kids live in the immediate area.The school's having a garage sale tomorrow. I planned to go to look for a coat, bike and other stuff. Hopefully I can find a PTA mom to ask who lives in the area.

Can you ask your cw for a rule? Our state does not allow overnights for any fc with anyone who has not had a background check. So, other fps are OK, teachers and sub teachers are OK, nurses, pediatric therapists, other people who get background checks to work with children, OK, and so on. It restricted dd's life quite a bit in early grade school, but it really made these questionable situations much easier when I could just say, "I'm so sorry, but ss says...." DD and her sister had been begging to stay at a friend's house for a long time that I'd said no to for this reason and because the local gossip mill said that the mother had an SA history. When we no longer had the fc restriction, dd gave me the lecture about not judging people till you know them. So, off they went -- and the mother treated them that night to a trip to a drug deal, leaving them in a car in a parking lot at close to midnight while she went in to an apt house to buy drugs. So that was the end of that. We went along pretty well for awhile "being busy" (no explanation, no lie) when they were invited and inviting the other girl here until the other mother got wind of why. She got pretty huffy, but we had a calm chat and she acknowledged that she'd "messed up." While she kept saying it wouldn't happen again, I just explained that there could not be a second chance because a second chance for her was a risk I wasn't willing to take for my children. She understood and we are actually friends now -- although my kids never stayed at her house again. I don't know that things would work out so well for me with others in that kind of situation. I'm glad I haven't had to find out (so far). So, I always thought it was kind of nice to have the rule to shield me socially, especially in a small town. Even though your state doesn't have a rule, you could ask your cw to give you one, maybe in view of the neighborhood and social group you have to deal with, that you can trot out. Just be sure to apply it consistently. Good luck. I hope you do not run into many more conflicts such as this given your role as a pastor in the area.