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Originally Posted By PamIf Susan had the guts to be honest, then I'm going to be as honest as I can too, but it's hard because it's kind of hard to explain, especially to those so looking forward to adopting (and I don't want anyone to get discouraged). Attachment is very interesting....it amuses me, even as I struggle with it. My now 8 year old son Lucas can be a very difficult child. He is bipolar, has always been so hyper that hyper doesn't even explain it, and has required special services more than any other kid I've adopted. He came at age 2. And I adore him. He is my baby, my love, my precious little darling. I can't really explain the incredible attachment we have (it goes both ways), but I just adore this difficult, but loving with boy with all my heart and soul. When I think of him, my heart just swells with love. Nicole, 5, we adopted straight from the hospital. While she is a little stinker, she is my precious baby girl that I adore with all my heart and soul. The bond is deep between us...and inseperable. Raphael was an excellent fit in our family and he is a doll and I love him. But I am not as attached to him as I am to the younger two. And maybe I never will be. It's hard to say. I have learned that time can often close a gap, but he came at age 10 and we missed many years together. Still, he works so hard and is a very fun kid and he is adored. Rayon and I clash. Rayon can be very sweet, and very annoying. He can pout and stomp and bug people on purpose. I get along the least well with him. Sometimes I wish we had left things alone, but he has only been here since April of last year. A lot of things do bug me about him though, for exmaple, the way he ditches Lucas at school (they are in the same grade, different classes). When I went to eat lunch with the kids on parent's day, Lucas was all excited to see me and Rayon wouldn't even come to the table, until I made him do it (and it wasn't easy). Rayon can be sneaky. I know these are minor things compared to what can happen in an adoption, but we just have a personality clash sometimes. He likes to annoy me in a passive-aggressive way, and it works. I'm not as sorry that we adopted him as sure that, BECAUSE we adopted him, that we never want to adopt again. We're done. Finished. We're stopping while we are ahead. What I really think I need to say that I haven't said...because it's very hard to admit....is that the kids that I got at very young ages are the ones I have bonded with as closely as I bonded with my only biological son, who is now 25. The kids I got at older ages, I don't feel as bonded to or as close to and I think it goes both ways. I also have a 25 year old that we adopted at age 6 from Hong Kong and I'm thrilled to have him, but attachment to him (to the extent we are now attached) came maybe ten years after he was here. I have a 17 year old daughter that we adopted at 5 months from Korea and it feels like I gave birth to her. I think adopting an older child is hard. You never had that baby time to hug and play pat-a-cake and rub noses and fall asleep in each other's arms. The kids that we adopted ages two and under I feel far closer to than those we adopted older than that. Yet I love them all, but in differing degrees and, especially with Rayon, sometimes I don't like him very much, even though I do love him. Hard question; no easy answer for this mom. I just know I never want to adopt again. The urge is all gone.
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Originally Posted By LizWe have two adopted children, and while I can't honestly say that I have ever regretted adopting either child, I know that my husband has. Our oldest daughter, "Kim" now age 19 has been a challenge since the day we met her at 13. I love this girl and I know that my husband does too, but she is very, very difficult to like. She has some attachment problems, major depression, anxiety, OCD and ODD. We have done years of therapy, counseling and psych drugs to try to help her, but she still insists on making the worst possible choices for herself in most situations. "Kim" has been in trouble with the law, flunked out of college, involved with 2 drug addict boyfriends, gotten fired from numerous jobs, and is next to impossible to live with. A few months ago, after my husband ended up in the hospital with severe anemia caused by three bleeding ulcers, and our younger daughter (13) told me she wanted to be an only child because "Kim" was so mean to her, and I was continually confronted by Kim's complete lack of concern regarding her father and daily defiance regarding even the most basic of family rules, I finally came to my senses. I told her she could no longer live at home. She left about 6 weeks ago and I feel like my family just won the lottery!!! Yes, I still love her and I still worry about her but I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until we actually had peace in our home once more. We managed to get Kim through her teen years and I often wonder if she would have still been alive without us, as she had attempted suicide while still in foster care. Was it worth everything we went through? I don't know, but I do think ours is still asuccess story. Kim is now an adult, she has a family that still cares about her, and she calls us every week to talk. Kim may never be as responsible as I would have liked, and she may continue to make some bad decisions, but she is starting to get her life together. She has a job and is dating a really nice guy for a change and I have hope. Even tho we will never live together again, she will always be mydaughter. That is what we set out to do in the first place...be a family for a child who needed one.
Originally Posted By barkiWe've been asked "if things don't go as planned, would you be a permanent resource?" and we've said no from the beginning. Then I think to myself, "weeeeeelll, maybeeee..." and THEN I wonder if I'd be able to live with it if we did. I'm wondering how we'll go on after they leave anyway. I guess it's just a whole emotional thing that has to be lived through and dealt with as it comes up.
missed history. Period. How did we ever convince ourselves - or let ourselves become convinced - that we could "feel" the same way about a child with whom we share limited history as we do about the ones we have from a very early age? But, that's not necessarily all bad. Think about it. I had a brother and I married a man that I met when I was 17. You know what? I don't feel the "same" about those two guys. And I'm NOT talking about the "romantic" aspects of love. But my brother KNEW me - everything about me. My history. My husband doesn't know who I was at age 6 - or 2 - or 16 for that matter. There are things we can never share. Memories. They become ghosts that can - especially in the case of an adopted child - haunt the relationships forever! BUT, it IS the best we can do. We work with what we have and make the very best relationships that we can. Back to a statement I made a couple of boards back -- adoption is like marrying a blind date. Sometimes it's love at first sight -- but more often, it grows SLOWLY into a mutually comfortable "knowing." For what it's worth . . .
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Originally Posted By JerryYes, we've also felt this way. We lost the intimacy of a small family, the quiet, and the free time we need for ourselves. We probably won't continue to foster or adopt again. All three of our new kiddo's have very extensive needs.............far more than we were lead to believe..........which brings up another loss. As Susan put it our picture of "happily ever after." We look to the future, even with intensive theraputic services and see the possibility of short and long term hospitalizations, long nights praying all the talk about "don't take permanent solutions to temporary problems" got through their grief enough to give them the strength to make good choices, and them continuing the cucle with unwanted pregnancies. Those are the possibilities. The stage was already set for these things long before we met these children. We're just to the point of accepting our role and will continue to have bouts with grief (over our decision to adopt). This is a part of who we are now. There are terrible worries, but also times of joy. So far we have one of the three (the one identified as the most severely emotionally disturbed) that is making wonderful progress. She's a joy. We pray we can get to this same place with the other two. Will that happen, no garuntee. Will we try....Absolutely!!!!I approach these issues knowing that I am grieving a loss. All of my losses are a part of what and who I am. I was recently "certified" (I guess it's as good a term as any) as a critical incident stress management debriefer. When I came to the classes to be trained I came with, primarily, the loss of my older daughter in a fatal car accident. It was foremost in my mind as I went through the training. Every day after class I had to be alone for a time to allow myself to let those painful feelings out, to touch them again, and again, to know that it was okay to feel this way. It's good we have outlets, places to vent, places to look for support. I think I heard everyone "admit" to these feelings. I try to make room for this need in my life. It's NOT easy....yet another loss.........I don't know that there is a simple answer. Our first foster daughter caused a great deal of stress. She's gone and on her own (as best she can be), and we still love her. It would be hard to say that after all we went through and even "knowing" that she would bring a truckload of problems to our family......we wouldn't do it all over again. That's the hope for our three new kiddo's. There's your emotional equation (for all you engineering and math types). On one side of the equation is the regret, despair, loss and anger. and the other.........hope for your children and trust in yourself. We need to talk about these things to bring meaning back to our lives. To rebuild our spirits. To find those feelings of satisfaction again....AND at the same time know we may feel this way again. I believe this is part of our growth.
for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know there are times that I have somewhat romanticized adoption thinking that with all the love we have in this house that things would fit right into place like a puzzle. Perhaps it was for the best that we were not chosen at committee for B. It was an eye opener to the hurt, the bumps in the road, the ending that can be so different than what you expected. I have read some of your stories and wondered "Do I really want to do this?"After getting some help from all of you it is really all in perspective now. I do want to do this, with eyes wide open. Life with my dh for the past 15 years has not always been roses. I love him for who he is. My now 14yo dd is showing me her individuality. What an eye opener for me to realize that she is her own person and not a little me. I love her for who she is. I have come through some very difficult things with my past and alot of emotional scars are now healed/healing. I believe my mom may be borderline pesonality, and she still will not talk to me after two years. I love her though for who she is. Through my "lessons" with my dd I now look daily for the uniqueness of my two youner children. I love them for who they are. All of it is different love. I can give alot of love, and I have always given alot of love in one form or another. I can love a child that is not of my flesh. He will be loved for who he is. Thank you all again for your honesty. I will strive to make an educated decision that is right for dh and me, my children, and the child we bring into the fold of our family and it is because of people like you, who are willing to be honest and share your feelings and wisdom from experience. Blessings,Jackie
Originally Posted By barkiWhen we married we knew that there was ALOT of history before we met each other. (He was in his 30's and I wasn't a teen.) We also knew that there were going to be big bumps. We tried our best to work out any major differences during out "dating" period, but also knew that there would be differences - both major and minor - in the future. So, as part of our decision to marry we also made the decision to love the other person. Perhaps as this is Valentine's Day it is fitting to remind myself of this! :o) Love isn't just "warm fuzzies" and goo-goo eyes. It's not all romance and chocolate. It's having the other person throw away your most treasured possesion because it was "in the way and you weren't using it". (Ouch!) It's the other person saying, in all honesty and candor, "No, that dress doesn't MAKE you look fat, you are fat." (Zowie!) It is a decision to keep going, to make a life together and to forgive so many hurts, learning to live together in love. It was easier with us because 1) we were adults and both wanted this to happen and 2) we already had social skills to help us be empathetic and caring.With adopted children you get raw (sometimes VERY raw) material with little or no empathy or politeness for those around them, let alone new "family" members. They often DON'T want to be in the family and there was NO desire on their part to love the rest of us. This is the added twist for adoptive parents: to love someone who doesn't want to be loved by you, who doesn't want to be in your home, who loves someone who may or may not love them and who are gone forever - still alive yet unreachable (bio parents, in many cases). This is a person who has often been lied to, systematically neglected or abused, and has physical and mental issues that compound the challenges. When you think of things in that way, it is no wonder that we as the adoptive parents have difficulty connecting with them in the first few months of placement. It is understandable that there may always be certain walls that we can't reach behind, even after years together.Our first adoption caseworker was a gem. He said, very bluntly, that there were times when adoptive parents had to understand that getting a child to adulthood was often the "success" of an adoption. There may not be any warm affectionate bonding. There were times that just having a child survive and be able to become self sufficient were huge milestones. A success isn't always the way we envision it. Success comes in as many shapes and sizes as there are individuals in the world.
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Originally Posted By SondraWe were placed with two children (brother and sister) a year and a half ago. The girl bonded quickly and basically fit quite nicely into our family. The boy on the other hand didnt. We cared about him, and I am sure he cared about us too, but there wasnt a bond. When it got close to finalizing, he started acting really bad. Finally we sat down with him and told him to be honest. He said that although he cared about us, he couldnt see us as his parents (he was still in the pipe dream that things werent really that bad and when he turned 18 his parents were going to come and get him and live happily ever after). We gave him some time to think about it and he decided to go back to the foster home he came from (group home with only boys). Now I wont tell you that it was easy to let him go (the thought of failure crossed my mind many times.......not to mention that some of my hubby's family thought we were wrong for disrupting the placement), but a year later I know what we did was right. Shane likes being in a group home and Tami likes not being around Shane (he wouldnt let her talk openly about what REALLY happend and he didnt want her to accept us as parents). I think adopting older kids is kinda like marriage....both parties have to agree.
YES.I have two adopted children. One of them is the light of my life. The other is the biggest regret of my life. They're biological siblings. We got the girl first, and the boy later, but had them both as foster children before we adopted. The whole time, the boy was problematic, but we just figured it was his age and the stress of bad parent visits, etc. Eventually, adoption became the goal, and I really wanted to adopt the girl, but felt pressured to adopt her brother to keep them together. We were even told that if we didn't adopt both, we probably wouldn't get to adopt the girl, despite all her complex medical needs.Long story short, I HATE my son. I tried for ten years. Ten years of trying to build attachments, trying to correct the behaviors that I now know were symptoms of RAD, trying to raise him to be a decent person. Now he's a teenager, and I am counting the days until I can get him out of my house (four more damn years). I hate that he and my daughter are so close in age, because he's ruining the years I could be enjoying with her by dominating them with his terrible behaviors, volatile temper, false abuse reports, strain on our marriage, etc. I'm so done with him, I constantly feel like a terrible person. I regret adopting him every single day.
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I don't know if anyone is ever going to read since this thread is old. But yes, I regret adopting the boy and resents the whole adoption system. I am Asian living in Germany and adopted a 6.5-year-old from Asia. It was a hard and expensive process with next to zero time to really get to know the child before bringing him home.I started disliking the negative, defiant, controlling behavior of the child within the first months. He threw loud, long tantrum whenever he does not get his way immediately. He triangulates, gave me scary cold side glare when nobody looked our way. He sneaks, peeks and made me feel so uncomfortable in my own home. But for everybody else, he is a perfectly obedient smart normal kid. My husband and I started having strong fights because of different view in how we set disciplines at home. Now 7 months on, we are at the verge of break down. I tried to speak to social workers in Germany, in Asia and was told that there is no other way. The child is ours and even if I do not see how i can be nice to him, it is best that he stays with us. I feel so trapped. I resent my own mistake of taking this child home that i am sentence to life with him and have no power to change the physical situation.Speaking to people do not help because nobody understands at all. I've became the "bad-person" who does not try to love. I was told the solution is to get therapy to make myself "capable to love" the child. And i am so tired of all of this. I would so love to have a chat group or support group that I can participate in. I also feel so bad for my husband, who is stuck between the child and me. I'd almost like to just go way and let my husband and the kid have their happy life without me. But my husband does not like this option (yet). long rant... i don't know if anybody can at least relate to or have a small sympathy of my despair.
I don't know if anyone is ever going to read since this thread is old. But yes, I regret adopting the boy and resents the whole adoption system. I am Asian living in Germany and adopted a 6.5-year-old from Asia. It was a hard and expensive process with next to zero time to really get to know the child before bringing him home.I started disliking the negative, defiant, controlling behavior of the child within the first months. He threw loud, long tantrum whenever he does not get his way immediately. He triangulates, gave me scary cold side glare when nobody looked our way. He sneaks, peeks and made me feel so uncomfortable in my own home. But for everybody else, he is a perfectly obedient smart normal kid. My husband and I started having strong fights because of different view in how we set disciplines at home. Now 7 months on, we are at the verge of break down. I tried to speak to social workers in Germany, in Asia and was told that there is no other way. The child is ours and even if I do not see how i can be nice to him, it is best that he stays with us. I feel so trapped. I resent my own mistake of taking this child home that i am sentence to life with him and have no power to change the physical situation.Speaking to people do not help because nobody understands at all. I've became the "bad-person" who does not try to love. I was told the solution is to get therapy to make myself "capable to love" the child. And i am so tired of all of this. I would so love to have a chat group or support group that I can participate in. I also feel so bad for my husband, who is stuck between the child and me. I'd almost like to just go way and let my husband and the kid have their happy life without me. But my husband does not like this option (yet). long rant... i don't know if anybody can at least relate to or have a small sympathy of my despair.