First year of adoption and first birthday.

Do you have an open adoption agreement? Have you had visits? Are your visits open with extended family/friends? I have an open adoption agreement. We have two visits per year. I do not invite my son's bmom to birthday parties. It has nothing to do with not appreciating her or with not wanting her around. Could you ask for an opportunity to celebrate the twins' birthday separately? Maybe suggest that the twins' siblings would like to share a cake? Talk with the aparents if you can. Ask why - but don't just assume that it is a reflection on you personally.

I believe that c.a. (the previous poster) has given you some very wise advice. That's what I would do if I were in your shoes...ask the twins' parents if they would be willing to have a small celebration with you and their siblings. Don't let this build up into a resentment because you'll only end up hurting yourself. Since you're in an open adoption, tell the aparents how important it is to you to be able to celebrate the babies' first birthday, and tell them how important it is for their siblings to be able to give them some gifts and share some birthday cake. Good luck, hon. I hope it works out for you.

I hope it works out for you, too. I would be very cautious about saying things such as you've given up so much to make the parents happy. As hard as it was, I'm sure you placed the twins for reasons having to do with the twins, the children you are raising and yourself, not to make someone else happy. That couldn't really have been any part of the decision, at least I would hope not. To put that on the parents--not to mention your twins--would be too much. People can be grateful for the family they have, to you for bringing the twins into the world, but as a direct debt, no. When you're hurting, I can understand why such ideas get thought and said, and so it is sensitive to bring it up, but I've seen this line of thinking crop up before and it usually leads to more resentment and heartache and less understanding and openness. I do hope you and your kids get to celebrate this and every birthday with the two youngest. As a pp mentioned, a separate celebration could be very special and might lead to a nice tradition.

Our son's mom asked if she could see him around his birthday. Absolutely we'll make sure we have a visit then so they can have a birthday celebration. However we haven't thought about having her come to the party we'll plan for him. It's not because we don't want her around, or that we're not appreciative of the hard decision she made (which brought great happiness into our family, even though we're sad for the pain it caused her), bit we're still navigating this new relationship between us. It's still developing, and sometimes awkward, and difficult to know how to act or what to say...and that's just among my DH, her, and myself--not including our extended family and friends who have no experience with this type of relationship at all. I worry about them saying something to her well meaning but off the mark just the same...or her overhearing something that hurts her, "Peanut is so lucky to have you for parents" (we're the lucky ones.) I hope as we get more experienced with this and can educate our family and friends more, we can all come together for these events. I just don't think we're ready this year. I also think this being the first birthday, his mom is going to have a tough day. She may every birthday... And I realize it's not my job to be protecting mom's feelings or anything, but the truth is that I WOULD be worried about those things and not giving my full attention to peanut and enjoying that day. I hope you get to see you're baby, and like the pps, I encourage uou to ask rather than assume that the parents don't want you there. This is the very beginning of a lifelong relationship, and you're just setting the stage for how you'll deal with miscommunications and challenges in the future. Good luck to you.