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I met my bmom right after my 21st bday last year. It was almost like a gift from my parents. I feared their rejection, I didn't want them to think that I was ungrateful or looking for replacements. They ended up surprising me with a meeting two weeks after my bday. My mom was a little bit apprehensive at first, which I learned is normal. I'm sure my dad was aswell but he didn't really show it, he just said "just remember you are my baby girl, you always have been and you always will be, nothing or no-one can change that".
When me and my bmom met everything was really great at first, we seemed to get along real good and talked everyday. When I was around her, I just craved her touch, I wanted her to hold me and tell me she loved me as much as possible. I found out that I was never a secret, I was apart of the family even though I was never there. Every year when it came to my bday she would call the centre asking about me. They couldn't tell much because it was a closed-adoption. Everything seemed to good to be true. She told me that my bdad is dead, but that turned out to be a lie. Then we started arguing about little things and soon after, I felt her trying to manipulate me and play on my feelings. She wanted her 'baby' back but cleary it was way to late since I'm now grown. She became 'cruel to be kind' which broke me, she would say really hurtful things to me about my afamily. Once while we were fighting she told me that they all just love me because they see it as a obligation, that they are not my family and that should my parents die, the rest of them will turn their back on me and I will have nothing or no-one. I was broken... She told me that she is my mom and that my mother is nothing to me...
I told her that if she's talking about genetics, sure I can understand that but that it takes more then blood and DNA to make a family. They were the ones that loved me, that took care of me, that accepted me. My a-mom and I have always had a strained relationship, but through it all she raised me and was there. She was the one I called mommy and not my bmom. I told my bmom that she is my mom because she gave birth to me but she can and will never be my mother... was I wrong for doing that? My bmom told me that I was ungrateful, unforgiving, sick and twisted... When the truth of the matter is that I'm not angry at her for giving me up, I've never been, if anything I'm just more greatful now than I have ever been. God doesn't make mistakes, I've always believed that. But was I really wrong to tell her that she is my mom and not my mother????
:southafrica:
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Yowza! Your birth mom really laid some heavy and not very nice words at your feet! I do not hold the sentiments that your birth mom expressed, but even if I did, I would HOLD MY TONGUE!!! That was not a good way to start off a reunion.
The way I see it, is, she insisted on defining for you who she is and what your amom isn't in a rather insulting manner. And you defended yourself, clarified your position, and clearly told her how you felt. Good for you!
I don't think you would have said that quite so bluntly if your birth mom hadn't said what she did. Honestly? I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.
My son initially held the position that I was his birthmom and his mom was his mother. I think most birthmothers long, on some level, to be recognized as a mom by their children, but I hold the position that it has to be up to the adoptee how they feel about this and cannot be pushed on them. Doesn't mean I don't see myself as my son's mom (one of them), but I would never insist he call me mom or think of me as his mother. Oddly enough, in the same conversation we had, when it ended, my son said "I love you mom." You can only imagine how my heart melted! Then later when we met, he said "you're my mom, too" when we were talking about family dynamics. If he hadn't felt this way and never wanted to view me as "mom," that was something I was prepared to accept. I also made it clear to him that I had the utmost respect for his mother in her role as his mom and was not wanting to take anything away from her. I think that made him feel so much more at ease.
This is not something you can push on someone and it is too bad your birthmother doesn't see that. It sounds, though, like her reactions are coming from a place of fear and upset, in that she feels she has to put your afamily down and manipulate you to "reclaim" her motherhood. That is not a job for you to do. She needs to reclaim it in herself, but not rely on what you call her to validate that. My son could call me by my first name for the rest of my life and never really see me as "mom", but in my heart and soul, I am his first mother, and one of two moms he now has in his life. I don't need him to call me mom to know that, although I will admit, I love that he does call me mom. It's very heartwarming to me, moreso because it's from him and not something I manipulated out of him. I think things would go much better with you and your birthmom if she would just let go of any expectations and not put these demands on you. I would suggest maybe talking to her about this, but it sounds like she might not be so open to it. Perhaps the other adoptees here can give you better advise.
Truthfully, it sounds to me like your birthmom could use some counseling. Some bmoms apparently (subconsciously) expect to find the baby they placed and don't know how to deal with this adult stranger who is also flesh of their flesh! She may need to find ways to deal with the grief she didn't know she had. I think sometimes that happens when fantasies of reunion don't match reality. Your parents (who you loved and who raised you) didn't disappear from your life when she appeared. Maybe the positive thing in my relationship with with my bson is that I had no expectations of reunion. (He was 32) We've made it up as we go along! D is my firstborn and I will always love him. I didn't have to replace anyone to be part of his life. Love is never divided, it grows. The irony of course is that I've experienced grief watching his middle son grow from infancy. It seems that for me, watching him grow makes me feel what I missed as D grew. On the other hand D's children call me Nana Kathy and I am a part of their lives.I don't have wonderful advice for you other than to remind you that this is about you being true to yourself. Your bmom needs to understand where she stands in your life and that your parents are not replaceable.
Like the previous poster said, it sounds like your bmom needs some counseling.
In my mind/thinking, my mom is the one that raised me. She's the one I wanted when I was a toddler and yelled for my mommy. My mother is my bmom. Anyone can be a mother or a father on a birth certificate. It doesn't take a bond, it only takes genetics. It takes a special, well-loved and adored adult (typically) to be called mom/mama or dad.
Early on in my reunion (we're about 14 months out now), I made it very clear "who" everyone was--the amom was my mom/mama/mommy, and bmom was my birthmother. She and I have developed more of a sisterly bond than a mother/daughter bond, and I think a large part of that is because she doesn't want to take the place of my mom. She understands, and has accepted, the place she's been given. And, realistically, I think she understands that if she wants to be in my life, she needs to take what she can get while we are developing a relationship.
It sounds like she kind of pushed her way to making you define who is what. Not all people like/appreciate that, but at the same time, I think it's one of those things that needs to be done in a new reunion.
I agree with others that she needs counselling. In fact, I think all people about to undergo reunion need counselling. I'm not saying therapy but just someone to explain the ins and outs and possibilities and how to handle things etc.
I have attached a link to an Australian post-adoption resources centre that has online documents that might be worth reading:
[url]http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/preparing-for-contact.pdf[/url]
[url=http://www.bensoc.org.au/postadoption/director/resources.cfm?action=search&keyword=&resourcetype=&resourcesubject=3AD20D6DB2A608F31F25F04E7713D389&submit.x=57&submit.y=8]Post Adoption Resource Centre - Resources[/url]
The American Adoption Congress has some good stuff as well:
[url=http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/search_and_reunion.php]AAC - Search & Reunion[/url]
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malinda051279
Like the previous poster said, it sounds like your bmom needs some counseling.
In my mind/thinking, my mom is the one that raised me. She's the one I wanted when I was a toddler and yelled for my mommy. My mother is my bmom. Anyone can be a mother or a father on a birth certificate. It doesn't take a bond, it only takes genetics. It takes a special, well-loved and adored adult (typically) to be called mom/mama or dad.
Early on in my reunion (we're about 14 months out now), I made it very clear "who" everyone was--the amom was my mom/mama/mommy, and bmom was my birthmother. She and I have developed more of a sisterly bond than a mother/daughter bond, and I think a large part of that is because she doesn't want to take the place of my mom. She understands, and has accepted, the place she's been given. And, realistically, I think she understands that if she wants to be in my life, she needs to take what she can get while we are developing a relationship.
It sounds like she kind of pushed her way to making you define who is what. Not all people like/appreciate that, but at the same time, I think it's one of those things that needs to be done in a new reunion.
Thanks guys for all your great advice it's deeply appreciated.
I just been so frustrated because this has caused me and my half sister to have a huge fight which made us not talk for almost 8 months. I used to call my bmom mumzi because I didn't want to hurt my amom feelings or even my bmom. My sis told me on the last day we talked that we're not calling her that anymore from now on my bmom is just her mother. She than told me that she wants nothing to do with me anymore. That was the hardest because out of all of my bfam she was the one I connected and grew attached to the most... About three weeks ago however, my sister made contact with me again and my bmom made contact a week ago. They both in their own weird way apologized and asked my forgiveness, which I did. But now I don't know how to be around them. I don't know wot to call my bmom anymore, I can't seem to call her mumzi and I can't seem to call her on her name. I was prepared to move on with my life, never looking back, but now their in it again.
I don't mind it, I just don't want to get hurt again.
Swtypie,
I don't have a great deal of advice to add beyond what has already been offered. It sounds to me like your b-mom may have feelings that she hasn't fully faced and those are messing her up. Those were some full force statements that she made to you! While I would like to think that I would respond differently were I in your situation, I also know me. :D I would probably have responded with something along your lines.
The good news I suppose is that it seems cooler heads have prevailed and apologies offered. In cases like this I don't think that adoptive families are very different from birth families...it's more of a inter-personal thing. There were some very strong things said all the way around and I suspect it will take some time for things to settle out again.
Sometimes a fight like this will change a relationship, but that doesn't mean it has to wreck it. I wouldn't necessarily judge success or failure by whether things go back to the way they were.
Best,
PADJ