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I'm posting this for a member who wishes to remain anonymous for her son's privacy.
Subject: Amom asking advice re son's attitude to bmom
I'm an amom and would like to ask for some advice from adoptees. My DH and I adopted our ason as an older child through foster care. He experienced a lot of trauma and rejection in his early years. He was very much in agreement with the adoption at the time, though had very limited options available to him otherwise. He's now a teenager and I'm worried that he is reluctant to search out his bmom (who he's had no contact with since birth) because he doesn't want to offend us. We've tried hard to not feel competitive with his bfamily and we already have a reasonable relationship with his bfather, bsiblings and other paternal relatives (who were much easier to find). But DS himself has often used his bfamily competitively with us ("I want to go live with them instead of you") in an apparent effort to hurt us.
Most of the time DS brings up the idea of searching out his bmom, it's in the context of him being angry at us, though once or twice it has come up in a non-angry way which seems to suggest it really is something he wants to do. Our general response, angry or not, has been to offer to help him look for her (though maybe not offering to act the instant he is angry). But when it does come to us acting, he changes his mind. This has happened so many times (that we offer and he refuses, but then brings it up when he's angry) that we're getting discouraged and feel like not offering anymore. In some ways I feel it is his responsibility now to make it happen if he wants it to happen (he's almost an adult). But my biggest concern is that he might be refusing because of misguided guilt that he would hurt us if he went looking for her. He also lives with the fear that we will abandon him one day, since everyone else has abandoned him up to now. He may feel if he searches her out, he will win our disapproval and then we will "dump" him (which of course we wouldn't do, but we've come to accept that is a fear he lives with because of the trauma he's been through).
Some background is that we would be fine for DS to live with his bfamily if he wanted to (in fact at one time we pushed him a bit in that direction when he had been saying it often, which with hindsight, was not a good idea). But I'm pretty sure that is not what he wants (as he is justifiably afraid of his bfather's violent tendencies) though relations with his bgrandfather are much better. There also have been a couple times when DS has run off to do the sorts of things that adolescents do and pretended that he was going to visit or live with his bfamily (because "he didn't want to live with us anymore") and even come back with a false story about how things went with the bfamily while he was away (he couldn't stay with them for this reason or that reason so he was returning to us). Other times it's not so tense. He just says he's going to visit a brelative when he actually wants to do something else. I think he feels we cannot refuse if he brings his bfamily into it whereas if he was to ask permission for what he really wanted to do we would object (he knows we see it as something like his right to have access to his brelatives if he wants to). I think DS feels very guilty for doing this to us and also for some of the damage caused to others for what he really did on those occasions. I think that adds to his guilt feeling that if was to chase up his bmom it would hurt us. He is generally a very nice person who cares about others and he does love us when he's not in a foul mood.
I realise there may be other reasons too for his reluctance to actually search for him bmom (we know that she has hidden his existence from her current husband and his bsiblings and that she may not welcome a reunion). It's a tough thing to do.
One other concern we have is that we are planning a major move (which he has consented to) which will take us very far from his bfamily. We had really hoped he might be able to connect with his bmom before we go, though perhaps that is putting our expectations on to him.
Do you adoptees have any words of wisdom to offer us for what we should do in this situation? Thanks.
P.S. I'm posting this anonymously in order to protect my son's privacy
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I think you are on the right track of the why's...your son has a complete huge layer that I from a DIA can't fully comprehend. Loyalty is such a tricky subject - you are part of both but each is separate from the other. His feelings of worth may also need some pumping up. Remember to talk about how good he does at XYZ and how much you have seen him grow into a young adult - etc etc. I know I have said this before but dad said this to someone with a really troubled past and that man credits this statement for making a difference because there was no you were bad or you did wrong discussions/judgement before it - just this: I expect only good things from you. Rejection/abandonment is a HUGE fear for any adoptee at any age. And the fear of being rejected again by his other mother can be paralyzing. Add to that despite your verbal reassurance you aren't going to reject him, it is the fear none the less - everyone leaves. That does feed into his feelings of loyalty or perhaps feeling it would be disloyal specifically to you. It's a tough, tough spot to be in when you are I am guessing a teenager with all the normal insecurities of that age, compounded by his traumatic prior life and his earlier rejection by his other mother. I would also suggest that some of his acting out or anger at you (and family) is related to his anger at his other mother for not only rejecting him as a baby but that she did not stick around to protect him like good mothers would from his other father. You may get the brunt of it because you are his mother now, and he is hitting out/acting out at you but it is really her - he is just substituting you in her place - if that makes any kind of twisted sense? Sometimes adoptees are just simply not ready to face their fears head on and it is easier to simply have moods etc. They want to be accepted and to know you will always have their back, but subconsciously or consciously the fear is overwhelming that if it was done once or twice - it is going to happen again and he is just waiting for it to happen. Add the loyalty factor and it's just a really tough age he is in. I would just let him be and perhaps find a counselor who has qualifications for helping adoptees and trauma. Let him have an outside place to vent, rage whatever where he does not have to worry about hurting one side or the other. You are his family and you are moving - find a counselor there as he may also need support in creating new friendships as well. May actually be the best thing you could do at this point. I would also recommend that you get him into an activity as soon as you move - something to focus on - something he likes and is good at (that part is key). Hopefully my thoughts have helped or validated. If you want to read a good book on the feelings that may be circulating the pick up Brodzinsky's Being Adopted the Lifelong Search for Self. (there are two other co-authors). It will really shed light on his feelings as well as his cognitive understanding at this stage. Kind regards,Dickons
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As an adoptee and a parent of a couple of kids who have passed the teenage years, your post brought up several thoughts. That said, take them with a grain of salt as they are just that...thoughts that popped into my head while reading your post.
A very wise someone once told me that sometimes the turbulence that can accompany the teenage years can be nature's way of preparing us for when our children reach adulthood and are ready to move out on their own. If they were always as they were while growing up the separation would be that much harder (not that the separation isn't already difficult, nor that they are always wonderful while little!) So perhaps some of what you describe is "natural" behavior for someone in their teen years?
The fact that he brings up searching, particularly when upset, and then backs off of it when he has a cooler head leads me to think that he is interested in the search. Dickons is absolutely on target in saying that rejection / abandonment is a big issue that adoptees tend to deal with. You certainly don't want to force him to search in any event. At the end of the day it has to be his decision to make. I think you should be supportive of the idea for him to search, should he choose to do so, but between the fears of what he may or may not find, and the associated worries of offending you, it's likely to be a bumpy ride.
Side question: while I also agree with Dickons that counselling may be helpful, I wonder if it might also be helpful for him to surf the forums on sites like this himself and perhaps post how he's feeling and questions he has to other adoptees? Just a thought...
Best,
PADJ
Well, I'm not an adoptee but I'm going to offer a suggestion.
Many of the adoptees on this forum are adults adopted as infants. That's very different from being removed from a home, in foster care, then adopted. The issues and emotions involved are, well, just different.
You might get more of a "oh, that's how I feel" kind of response at [url=http://www.fosterclub.com/forums/youth-message-board]Youth Message Board | FosterClub[/url] where kids that are or were in foster care post. You might also see if there are some older teen/adult adopted from foster care folks at your local foster/adoptive parent group that would talk to you.
my sugestion would be to let hi always know tht YOU are there for him, no matter what. finding/dealing with his family should be up to him, when hes ready, unless the person my abuse him, then YOU fight like hell for him..
sounds to me hes on the fence, so you should just be supportive, but if you legally adopted him, he is YOUR child, he may be looking for you to be the steady rock so he can get off that fence.moving is probably a good idea because distance will make it easier for him to adjust to you if his other people arent lurking in the shadows somewhere close..
theres always telephone,computers for him to keep touch, but he needs somebody stable.. that would be you.
your in a tough one here, and this is my opinion only, i dont really have any hands on info to give you, teens are tough. he may be looking for his place to 'land', he may want to live with them, but clearly theres a problem there so he cant. i think you need to be his rock, i also think moving is a good idea because that will make it easier for him to cut ties with them. he needs to cut ties with them at least for now, because hes too young to have to deal with so much stuff, moving away should let him clear his head, concentrate on himself. remember, you need to guide him to be a productive citizen here, so he doesnt wind up on drugs or in jail, so moving can give him that fresh start so he can find out who HE is inside..bottom line, people come and go, but he will be in his brain and body forever, so its real important he knows and likes who HE is..hope that makes sense? good luck, but he must learn who he is before he can become anybody.is he in counsling? may not hurt...
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