I am sooooo confused

I feel the same way especially for about the first two months after getting a placement. It is a big change going from just the two of you to the two of you plus kid(s) Trying to learn that child, and trying to learn how to be a "temp mom" (I call it that too). I am never sure how much to allow myself to love them because I know my hear will be breaking when they leave.I guess I haven't helped but I hope I have at least validated your feelings

You are the right person to be her mom. You are doing a hard thing and it's normal to be confused. Visits are hard no matter what age. Especially on toddlers though, any change in routine can be super hard. I don't know when she came into care, but it's likely that visits are really confusing. So I'd expect her to be super clingy. If this is her 1st time in care and she spent any time with her mom before she came into care she's probably really confused why she's seeing her mom and then having to leave her again. The way I deal with my feelings about BPs is I vent them to my hubby (what a witch, how can you do that, how did she miss that? etc), but to everyone else I try to speak positively about them. It's not easy...FS's BM would leave him home alone for days and used her religion as a weapon to punish him, AD's BM used drugs when she was pregnant. But to people who'd ask, BM is working hard, trying to get better, needs your prayers, etc. I also ask the CWs when they come out to tell me something good. Sometimes holding onto one positive thing helps. The other way I dealt with it was I gave it up to God. I said to myself, I am not a CW, Judge, GAL, CASA. I do not get to make any decisions or assumptions about the BPs in this case (or more correctly, I can make judgements & assumptions about them, but it doesn't mean anything or matter to anyone) I have not lived their life, so I don't know what caused them to do the things they have done. When you give up control and just focus on building a relationship, it really does make it easier. (((hugs))) it will level off. The 1st few months are really though. The hardest part is that when everything is stable, things will probably change :(

You are the right person to do this. Being a foster parent is an extremely emotional task. Visits are difficult and it is common for a child to act out. It is important to keep your emotions at bay in front of your FD, regardless of how difficult that may be. I remember struggling with my emotions regarding AD's birth-mom and trying to find my role as her mother.Hang in there!

I may have not had a lot of children pass though my doors but each and everytime I open my heart to a new child those feelings all come back. I look at it as a roller coaster of emotions. I have dealt with some great bio parents and some not so hot. But what matters in the end is the child you open your heart up too. We are not perfect we are all human and believe me foster parents do make a difference. YOU are the right foster parents for this child because you have already given her in a very short time some stability she may have not had in the first place and you are showing her constant love. Those are two life lessons she will never forget.

[FONT="Georgia"]Wow...Ok, first things first...just breathe...you are under a lot of pressure! I am only 4 months into my first placement, so I am no expert...but, I am being mentored by a foster mom who has been doing it for 15+ years...and I know that the child coming home wired after visitation is NOT uncommon...in fact, for our little guy...he comes home completely over stimulated and shaking...he either shuts down, or is WIDE awake and jumping at EVERY sound. It does make things harder. But, it is the name of the game...it is SO confusing for the kids, no matter what age they are, I think...

And, WOW again! You are working 60 hours a week and doing this? Cudos to you for hanging in there as you have!:clap: That is ALOT of responsiblity! I don't even work a 40 hour week, let alone 60...there is NOTHING wrong with you...you are tired...and maybe overwhelmed. Who wouldn't be?

I don't know what it is like to come from your perspective, as far as not having had children before...I have four biological sons...and when they were little, they were less than two years apart each. So, I have something to compare all this too...and it seems so much easier this time. But, I am much older now and only caring for ONE child at the moment. All I can say is that I will be praying for you...I hope someone else can offer more constructive feedback! But, I have to say...you are doing awesome. And, there is NOTHING unusual about your feelings towards the bio parents! You are perfectly normal there! We actually do not have the opportunity to build a relationship with our fs bios...because the father is potentially dangerous and we can't be sure mom won't go running right back to him at some point(the state forced her to get a restraining order) I have compassion for mom...and at the same time...I really hope that if there is ANY reason at ALL to believe that she will do this again...that the truth will be revealed and the kids will never go back to her! It's just not fair to them. So, I hear you...don't beat yourself up for your feelings!

If I think of anything more coherent to say...I'll add it...but, for now...hang in there. It's going to be ok...put baby in the stroller and go for a walk...breathe the fresh air...and try to be right here in this moment, and nowhere else for a while. You need a break! [/FONT]

[FONT="Georgia"]Wow...Ok, first things first...just breathe...you are under a lot of pressure! I am only 4 months into my first placement, so I am not expert...but, I am being mentored by a foster mom who has been doing it for 15+ years...and I know that the child coming home wired after visitation is NOT uncommon...in fact, for our little guy...he comes home completely over stimulated and shaking...he either shuts down, or is WIDE awake and jumping at EVERY sound. It does make things harder. But, it is the name of the game...it is SO confusing for the kids, no matter what age they are, I think...

I don't know what it is like to come from your perspective, as far as not having had children before...I have four biological sons...and when they were little, they were less than two years apart each. So, I have something to compare all this too...and it seems so much easier this time. But, I am much older now and only caring for ONE child at the moment. All I can say is that I will be praying for you...I hope someone else can offer more constructive feedback! But, I have to say...you are doing awesome. And, there is NOTHING unusual about your feelings towards the bio parents! You are perfectly normal there! We actually do not have the opportunity to build a relationship with our fs bios...because the father is potentially dangerous and we can't be sure mom won't go running right back to him at some point(the state forced her to get a restraining order) I have compassion for mom...and at the same time...I really hope that if there is ANY reason at ALL to believe that she will do this again...that the truth will be revealed and the kids will never go back to her! It's just not fair to them. So, I hear you...don't beat yourself up for your feelings!

If I think of anything more coherent to say...I'll add it...but, for now...hang in there. It's going to be ok...put baby in the stroller and go for a walk...breathe the fresh air...and try to be right here in this moment, and nowhere else for a while. You need a break! [/FONT]

I totally get where you are coming from. We both work and got 4 kids in 3 months. It's overwhelming at times. And frustrating. And heartbreaking. And you feel conflicted a lot of the time. Reactions after visits are part of the process. Sometimes the kids come home fine but usually we have some sort of issue within 24 hours. We try to give them tons of slack when they get home. Give them an activity to do to focus their energy on something else and try not to go places that listening is required. We give them an outlet to talk about what happened at the visit. But don't pepper them with questions. Maybe that will help?You care and right now that absolutely makes you the right Mom for now. it's a rollercoaster but it can be very rewarding.

I think we all have our days where we have questioned our sanity and our ability to care for the children placed in our homes - and it's usually during the time after a visit when a child is in complete crisis/meltdown mode and you feel completely helpless. I felt this way every night after my FS would have a visit and would spend an hour or more suffering night terrors. I was completely helpless and could do nothing for him, other than make sure he didn't physically hurt himself. There are other times when he is tantruming immediately after a visit and I just can't get through to him that I wonder if I'm the right Mom for him. It's the times when I'm sitting for the 5 minutes a day I give myself when he wants to crawl in my lap and cuddle that I believe I am what is best for him. Lately, his thing is telling me that he missed me when I pick him up from daycare - or later in the evening when he's acting out and he finally blurts out that he missed me. I think we often forget how emotionally draining foster care can be on the children in our care. I think for my FS he has finally learned to verbalize how he feels (he misses me or tells me he loves me) and the behaviors and outbursts aren't nearly what they used to be. You're still early on in your placement and its hard to know how to feel or what to do sometimes. Her clinging to you after a visit and not wanting to be put down is something my boys both do - they need to be reassured that I am there and I'm not going anywhere. You are your FD's safe haven after her visits. She needs you and she may not be able to verbalize it and instead latches onto you. Give it time. Once she is more settled into her routine, you'll start to see changes, albeit small ones. Maybe one day she will come home from a visit and she won't cling to you nearly as long as she did the time before -or suddenly you'll notice it doesn't happen anymore without realizing it. Don't look for it to happen, just live in the moment as a PP said.