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As a foster parent I am always asked about my own adoption experience by other Ap's. You can not fathom what it is like to be adopted, nor should you.
Here are a list of common childhood expierences that bring to the surface the loss of adoption and the conflict children face growing up with a non genetic family. I had other adoptees help me.
1. Disney movies which involve loss of mother
2. Who has feet like...legs like...hair like
3. Projects at school asking about actual birth day, time ect
4. When kids ask why you don't look like your parents
5. What nationality are you?
6. How old are your parents?
7 Do you have brothers and sisters?
8. Being asked about adoption such as where is your real mother, do you want to know them, why didn't they want you
9. Being told you were loved so much you were given away.
10. Not being told the whole truth or all that is known by Aparents about circumstances surrounding adoption. This leads to mistrust and resentment.
11. Bring in a (----) that represents your cultural background
12. Gene science/biology seventh grade - compare your blood type to your parents.
13. Anyone saying "Blood is thicker than water"
14. People saying how much you look like Aparents
15. Looking in the mirror
16. Asking about your adoption and having the conversation shut down. It should never be taboo.
17. Ancestors and people talking about famous relatives
18. Being teased about being adopted-(everyone gets it a least once growing up)
19. Culture wash (Being asian, black and being told you are Italian, polish ect.) You can't change DNA. If living in the US use "American."
20. Birthdays or new babies
21. Being compared to other adoptees. every adoption is different.
22. Being spoken for by Aparents or having someone else tell your secret that you are adopted.
People are generally curious about adoption and mean no harm. I had good adoptive parents, but I still feel angry when my mother tells people I am adopted that don't know or don't need to know. After having been in reunion for so long these questions don't bother me anymore and especially having a genetic child. I'm sure the more open an adoption the less pain because the more answers you will have to the questions.
DISCLAIMER:
This is just here for helpful insight not to be debated. This may or may not apply to your family
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Lion King triggers it for me... the whole Circle of life thing and other stuff in it for some reason
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Belonging
The Disney movie "The Fox and the Hound" got me!!!
It is so funny that you mention the fox and the hound. My mother brought me out of the theater screaming and I would not go back inside to watch the rest of the movie. I was @4 years old.
It was the part that the lady tells him how much she loves him but has to send him away. I freaked out and haven't watched that movie since. I was adopted at four months old but it just goes to show that the trauma of abandonment was still very much present even though I don't have visual memories. Just the feeling. My mother said the theater was filled with kids and none of them acted like that. She tried to get me to go back inside. I never did. I went home and I remember the drive home in the car and I have very few childhood memories. I just realized recently that it was adoption loss. If my mother would have made the adoption connection and discussed that with me it may have helped, but I always thought I was fine with being adopted until later in life when I realized all of what I had truly lost.
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Littlewanderer,
That's EXACTLY the part of the movie that "gets" me and like you, I was adopted at four months old.
I didn't start realizing the impact that adoption had on me until I was in my forties (I am 44 now) and only after being miserable in reunion for over 20-years.
Have you looked into EMDR therapy at all? I have been working with a therapist for months now and not making the healing progress I had hoped for in that amount of time. I am serious about adding EMDR therapy to my "work" at healing. My therapist is in support of trying it, like he says "what have you got to lose".....except pain, hopefully :)
Have any adult adoptees out there used EMDR therapy and has it helped?
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Belonging
Littlewanderer,
That's EXACTLY the part of the movie that "gets" me and like you, I was adopted at four months old.
I didn't start realizing the impact that adoption had on me until I was in my forties (I am 44 now) and only after being miserable in reunion for over 20-years.
Have you looked into EMDR therapy at all? I have been working with a therapist for months now and not making the healing progress I had hoped for in that amount of time. I am serious about adding EMDR therapy to my "work" at healing. My therapist is in support of trying it, like he says "what have you got to lose".....except pain, hopefully :)
Have any adult adoptees out there used EMDR therapy and has it helped?
Just the thought of me lying there alone in the crib at the hospital while my mother left to go on with her life. I had no idea what I was in for. Adoptees are invisible second class people that don't fit in anywhere. For the most part we spent trying to fit in. The loss I felt never goes away. I just deal with it. The best medicine for me has been to have a relationship with my sister. It is like a little connection to the earth and my roots and my son. Knowing you were unwanted and not where you belong is hard enough but to top it with being treated differntly by extended family and being whispered about for something you never did or are responsible about.
The saddest part I hear and agree with other adoptees is the lonliness at Afamily reunions. To be all alone in a crowd of people is a very sad thing.
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BethVA62
All of the searching type movies got to me, and books.
Finding Nemo comes to mind
plus Ann of green gables, orphan annie movies like that.
ohhh and as a teen, those cheesy pre-teen/teen novels about pregnancy and sex, I guess things that reminded me of my mothers situation.
any wondering, searching, separating or reuniting themes reminded me, made me think about it. And I swear nearly every kid or Disney movie has it somehow LOL
I always say, these reminders can be everywhere, hard to get away from, especially for me as an adult!
Have any of you seen 'August Rush' with Keri Russell a couple of years ago? GREAT story of an orphan and his search for his mother. Unbelievable portrayal of their invisible bond.
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I don't like when people say "oh, he's my son... I mean, he's like a son to me" about their friends. Family is FAMILY.... friends are FRIENDS. Don't call someone your kid unless you adopted them or gave birth to them.
My adoptive family is MY family. Period. Our family reunions are MY relatives. I never think of it as "oh, these are just my adoptive families' relatives." No, they're MINE. Sure, I wish I looked more like some of them... but... what can you do?
I don't care about blood or no blood... I have zero in common with my biological "family." They opted out of my life, and I'm not their family.
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It is a good list and as an adoptee I can identify with many of the things mentioned.
For me one thing I recall from a very young age was being told I was chosen..................this to me meant I had already been un chosen.
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Hey all! I was reading this forum to try and know more about what my future adopted child will feel like...
And I was wondering, has anyone felt any sadness for either of these two movies?
- Brother bear
- Prince of Egypt
Those both made me cry and I'm not adopted and I wanted to know your opinions.
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Hey Wanderer, I couldn't help but relate to your story, but in a different way.
I was adopted @ 5 months.
As I grew up I knew there was a deep secret that concerned me.
When I was 7, I heard only part of the story. All that was said was that I was adopted. No details. It was like a story that suddenly ends. It is never mentioned again. It could not be talked about.
I grew up alone. No extended family. Because the family story book had been closed i never had any past images to put together for b-family.
There were no images of any previous family connection
When I saw Bambi, and other stories with a family connection I grieved for the losses within the stories but somehow never translated them to a personal loss altho I felt the loss deeply.
Many years later I was asked if I ever thot about my b-parents, and my answer was no.
Later I did finally make some sort of grief and loss connection to my b-parents. The ongoing grief, loss and despair always lurked in the background but it was just there, i never made the family connection. That grief and loss has never left. And although there has been no reunion, I suspect it is a life long part of the sentence of adoption.
I wish you the best.
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Thank you for posting the list and for all the movies that made those feelings come to the surface. I'm a new AP. We spent time with C and J (her birthparents). I'm storing away in writing every detail I can think of, every positive thing about them. I'm writing it down for her. In case something happens and I can't tell her myself, and for her to have for her own. I know both their first and last names, I know 3 of the siblings names. I have a couple of pictures of them. I think they will be open to contact in the future. All of you are right, this is her history, it's always part of who she is and always will be.
I know so many AP's and people who don't understand adoption think this is all joy. For me, it's been bittersweet. I'm so happy to have her with me. And I'm so sorry for their loss and hers. C and I both cried in the delivery room. I wasn't crying for joy. I was crying for her. We talked about the fact that she didn't make a plan because she didn't want this little girl. She just wanted a different life for her than she could provide and I know she hopes it will be better.
I'm going to do everything I can to make sure she doesn't feel "given up" or "unwanted." Thanks for the heads up on the word "chosen." I hadn't thought of using it, but now I'll think twice before using that phrase.
Again, thank you all for sharing your experiences, your pain, and what doesn't work in adoption. I'm trying very hard to hear your voices and to let your words influence my actions over the next years.
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littlewanderer: "Just the thought of me lying there alone in the crib at the hospital while my mother left to go on with her life. I had no idea what I was in for. Adoptees are invisible second class people that don't fit in anywhere. For the most part we spent trying to fit in. The loss I felt never goes away."
This feeling bothers me a lot!!! Glad to know i'm not the only one.
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Phillies89, read your post and you are right.
Adoption is a life long event and not much changes it.
B-moms I have chatted with often say that no matter how long it has been, or whether or not there was RU, they still felt the grief and loss. The time the children they gave up were gone, couldn't be made up. And they too suffered the grief and loss regarding what happened.
So yes, you do feel adopted all your life but there are things that can be done that help getting you to become an equal with others.
The first thing is to avoid telling your story as an adoptee. Your life is not an open book for everyone to read and evaluate. You are a person, with goals dreams, and ideas regardless of the pathway you came up.
The 2nd way to help is by journaling. Write your story. It belongs to you. It is not to be critiqued, or evaluated. It is to be shared only when you are ready, which may be never. Let all your emotions and feelings come out as you write. There will be tears, but in the end you will be stronger and more able to fight the demons and win.
I wish you the best.
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Phillies89, read your post and you are right.
Adoption is a life long event and not much changes it.
B-moms I have chatted with often say that no matter how long it has been, or whether or not there was RU, they still felt the grief and loss. The time the children they gave up were gone, couldn't be made up. And they too suffered the grief and loss regarding what happened.
So yes, you do feel adopted all your life but there are things that can be done that help getting you to become an equal with others.
The first thing is to avoid telling your story as an adoptee. Your life is not an open book for everyone to read and evaluate. You are a person, with goals, dreams, and ideas regardless of the pathway you came up.
The 2nd way to help is by journaling. Write your story. It belongs to you. It is not to be critiqued, or evaluated. It is to be shared only when you are ready, which may be never. Let all your emotions and feelings come out as you write. There will be tears, but in the end you will be stronger and more able to fight the demons and win.
I wish you the best.
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