Kinship vs Foster Parent

Just from my perspective of reading the responses... we have some very strong supporters of continuing the fight for custody/adoption of your loved one. We have some that are on the fence, they have reservations, would want to know enough 1st hand experience about the situation and what the Foster Home (potential adoptive) is like and how the child really fits in. Then there are some that are saying that 2 out of 3 years of a child's life with one family (during some of the most formative/bonding years) has been with them. They'd hate to see any child removed from people they love. I see that everyone is over the spectrum here. This is a very difficult and personal decision. I wish the best of luck to you. Sounds like you've made some progress and if kiddo is already calling you mommy - there might be quite a tight bond there. I'd still look into that bonding evaluation.

LOL, wow my phone (and sloppy typing) completely butchered that! It should say: it's a real shame that theses fp were NOT more open to family involvment that would PROBABLY be the BEST outcome for this little one and the op has stated she would be FINE with that My computer is on the fritz and I fail at typing on my iPhone!

First of all, don't feel like everyone here is against you. Those of us who have done/are doing kinship placements do actually understand & also realize that the "regular fp" haven't walked in your shoes & hopefully they never will have to. Personally, with our case, I was the 3rd relative placement (different side of the family thank goodness). When we found out there was yet another disruption, we stepped forward & agency refused to consider any more relatives. Based on the case history I totally understand their reasoning, but I did some calling & emailing & let the higher ups know that it was different family & that they would eventually place with us (we'd fight to the death) so might as well do it before a different family got attached & got their hearts broken. When its family, that's just what you do. Also, to those who were shocked at the thought of a 2yo @ funeral, it all depends on the family. The child might not have known what was going on, but family (possibly healthy family who love the child) would have been able to see a loved child. I guess most would be horrified at my family's funerals, because they tend to be more like family reunions than most. Yes, both my 2 yo have been to more than one already.

I would fight. Yes she is probably bonded, but you are not a total stranger as some might believe as you have had extended visits (you said weekends and weeks?) so there is a bond to you as well. They have no right to get defensive because the CPS might move her to "a total stanger" you are not that. Yes, they have raised her for 2 years of her short 3 year life, that is significant, but if they bonded well with her that means with a careful transition she should bond just as well with you. I feel like some people are saying that those 2 years of her life are more important than the next 72 years. With you, she would be allowed to have contact with them, she would not have to lose anything, with them she will lose her biological connection and that is not something insignificant. My mother was adopted (straight adoption during the BSE), she is now 53, she was adopted by awesome parents who love her and were open with her about searching for her parents, she found her mother and half-sister but has virtually no realtionship with them and she told me once that "I love your grandparents, they are my mother and father but I will never have a sister, because we were not raised as sisters and we cannot seem to connect, it is a wound that I am afraid will never stop hurting". I have two adopted son's my oldest I can give him as much as he wants of his biological history and connections with his bio family because he was my second cousin before I adopted him. He sees his biological family (not his parents) frequently, it is not some weird "bio-family visit" that happens a couple times a year either. He has true and real bonds with them and sees them frequently and in normal everyday settings becasue they are is FAMILY not his "biofamily", actually now they are all of our FAMILY. The same cannot be said for my youngest son, he is not a relative, he was a foster placement that I have had since he was 2 days old, I adopted him when he was 8 mos old but by then his parents had seemed to dissapear and I can not find them anywhere (I know dad was deported but mom should still be around). I did find his bio-half brother and the foster family that adopted him 2 years prior and even though I was in love with my son and I had had him for his entire 7 mos at that time, I wanted that family to be considered as an adoption resource because I desperately feel like these kids have lost so much they do not need to lose siblings as well, that family declined placement for a number of reasons (ICPC would take a long time and they did not want a toddler, the were having family issues, etc.) so I did adopt him. However they are not interested in contact and I have no bio family to connect my son with and it breaks my heart. I know someday he will have a wound similar to my mother's and it is not something I can fix and that sucks. I think that if foster familes are interested in really maintaining or building a child's relationship with thier family (and why do we call it biofamily anyway? It is their family!) then it is evident from the very begining and it does not appear to be so in this child's case. If a foster family has to be bribed into allowing contact (family will step back from adopting if contact post adoption is allowed) then they are not invested in that building/maintaining that relationship and it is doubtful that they will, if they really thought it was important for the child they would be doing it in the first place not as a condition of adoption. They will resent having to keep up that relationship later on and it will probably be evident to that child potentially damaging the connection. As an aside, post adoption contact with biofamily, even if stipulated as a condition of adoption, is rarely legally enforcable (varies by state) and even in some states where an agreement is legally binding, many times the penalty is a fine and moving out of state solves the adoptive families problems, as extridition on these cases does not happen because it becomes a civil suit. I would fight and fight hard.

I also wanted to comment that if youhave had weekends and weeks as visits, than that is more than some bio parents get in visits before a reunification occurs. In a few on my cases, they kids/babies saw the parents for 2 hours a week supervised for a year and then in 2 mos went from that to overnights to a week and home. So if that is good enough for bioparents who really did screw up (which is eviedent if thier kids ended up in care) then why is a 2 year realtionship that has consisted of longer unsupervised visits a problem?

I am with you, I think it is just different for different cultures/families. I took all 5 of my kids at the time (ages 7,7,5,3,18 mos) to my sisters funeral and a few months ago I took all six kids (now ages 9,9,7,5,3 and 8 mos) to my grandfather's funeral. It is just normal for our family to do that. Yet another example of a cultural/familial thing she will not understand about her family if she doesn't ever get to meet them or finds them when she turns 18. I can't tell for sure, but the child in the OP's post appears hispanic (so maybe the chidl in question is too?) and if that truly is the child's culture, taking kids to funerals is a norm, at least for the Hispanic families in my area.

Blood should not be made to overthrow her bond with the 2 / 3 of her children live in households. Would be a good growth and biological brothers and sisters? Of course. This is only good to grow up, know your biological brothers and sisters, [url=http://www.meritline.com/]Gadgets[/url] she can have two ways.

This is what strikes fear in my heart about our case. People on here have pointed out that forced contact will most likely backfire but it is our only option. It is so WRONG that a family that claims to love a child and want what is best for them would cut them off from healthy relationships that are based out of love for that child. I get it. I know first hand how difficult it is to "deal with" birth family - as you put it FAMILY! Our STBAD's grandfather drives us NUTS but is AMAZING with his grandkids. So who cares that it is slightly annoying for us. My daughter will only grow up feeling his love, having a better sense of self, and hopefully feeling whole. This is only possible because the family is healthy for her to be around and we know that because we spent time getting to know them. We used our visits with them to actually spend time with them so when we actually had a choice to continue it or not we were making an educated decision.

Hello everyone! I wanted to give you an update on my case with my little cousin in Fl. We had a conf call on Thursday and looks like she is finally coming to live with me!:banana: Looks like it all worked in my favor. I did agree to allow the foster parents continue to be in her life. I think that will be good. I don't care what nobody thinks I think it will be very good for her and her brother to both live here with me and be raised together. Like it was said to me we all as foster parents need to keep in mind these children are placed with us only until reunification with bio parents OR a family member steps in. Thank you to you all that had my back and truly understood my feelings. I pray the best for you all..........Move in date Nov 14-21 Finally a holiday together:thanks:

VERY glad to hear that! I think sibs should stay together with family first if they are suitable, especially someone like you that was trying to get her for a long time. I just hope the FFPs will make the transition go smooth for everyones sake.

Virtuous, I am so happy for you. This is a good thing for the child, especially since you are willing to maintain contact. As long as the FPs are willing to be nice and maintain a good relationship with you, it will be the best result there could be. The baby sibiling, the biological family, and the foster family all in their life! Congratulations, and please keep updating as you find out more.

That's awesome news, Virtuous. So very happy for you all! I bet Nov 14th can't come fast enough for you!

:clap: Well I wanted to update you all and let you know that I have my little cousin finally here with me from Florida. Originally she was to be here on Nov 14th but I agreed to allow her to spend Thanksgiving with her FP. I thought I was doing something nice and being good to them and they turned around and told me I can only pick her up Mon-Fri from 9am-1pm. Not even considering the fact I was coming from another state and I have to get back home. Well the cw (whom seemed to be always on the fp side) told them that was not happening so I went down and picked her up on Saturday. It was sad to see her leave but I am glad she is here and I can adopt her. :happydance: What I will tell ANYBODY it is worth the fight. She is settled in her bedroom and enjoying her home here. There has been no crying and she seems to have adapted pretty good for it to be a night. I pray all goes well for any and everyone of you out there. Thanks so much for your kind and sometimes unkind words. Best wishes to you all........:thankyou:

Good news!!! :) Best of everything...bio family & previous FP's. Our daughters previous FP's were the same way (back in 2007)...made transition VERY hard on our daughter but we made the best of it. Then they constantly called her when we returned home...so much she'd cry to go back there. She would have one foot in our door and one foot in theirs. It got better eventually...and now they hardly ever call. They'll email me saying "Oh I should have called on X's birthday" etc..but never do. I think the last time they called was over a year ago. I try to keep in touch via email and send photos but never hear back. I guess they have moved on as our daughter has. Our daughter is going to WA state to visit her grandparents for Xmas (flying by herself and she's so excited! I never imagined she'd be able to do this!). I emailed the previous FP's to let them know she'd be there cause they also have family in the same area and visit often. She emailed me back stating they'd make plans to see her while she's there. I leave it up to them to make the plans....I try so hard when she's in their area to let them know even though it's been almost 5 yrs. I can't believe how time flies!!! She was a scared 7 yr old and now is a strong 12 yr old :)

congratulations!!! :banana: :banana: