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i have always know that i was adopted, and i always said that i didn't want to find my birth parents. when i was in high school, i found out that this older couple that i had called "grandma and grandpa" my whole life were my birth mom's parents. it freaked me out. after a while, i talked it over with my adoptive parents, and i decided to see if i could talk with my birth mom. my birth mom's parents said that wasn't a good idea at the time. i respected that because they knew me and they knew her, so i decided to wait. however, i searched for my birth dad, and i found him. we e-mailed, and about eight months after i found him, we met. all in all, despite a little bit of drama, it was really good. now, almost two years later, we still have a good relationship. i was even in his wedding a few months ago.
now i'm at the point where i want to talk to my birth mom. i sent her an e-mail about a year ago, and she basically said "not now". again, i respected that, as much as it hurt to hear that. since i've know her parents my whole life, i know her siblings' names and their families names. i was on facebook the other day, and through a friend, i found her nephew, my cousin. i really wanted to friend request him or message him, but i don't know if he knows about me, and i know that could cause a lot of drama.
for the past few weeks since i found my cousin, i've been really freaked out about everything. i feel like i have a right to know if my aunts and uncles and cousins want to have a relationship with me and vice versa. should i e-mail my birth mom and tell her these things? or am i supposed to wait on her when she's "ready" to talk with me?
any advice is much appreciated!
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Your description sounds similar to mine. In my case there are always "things" that have to come first before being able to actually meet my b-mom. These "things" are always on her side. We live at opposite ends of the continent, but in today's world there's nothing to prevent me from hopping a plane...other than these mixed signals. I really do want to meet my b-mom, but I certainly don't want it to happen feeling like I forced the issue and the meeting is happening just to shut me up.
In your case, you haven't yet been able to have much contact with her directly, and I don't think you should force the issue. If you're like me, it doesn't make the waiting any better, but it would help to just know the reasons why we must wait.
There may very well be some good reasons why "not now" is the correct answer. Can her parents give you any ideas as to the why?
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I know some of it has to do with her job, husband, health, etc. She and I have exchanged one e-mail and while she told me "not now" because of those reasons, they seemed like reasons that would always be there, you know? Life is still going to happen no matter what!
Her parents give some answers when I ask, but they try not to give away too much information that they feel like she should tell me.
Thanks for your thoughts! That was helpful. Do you think I should do anything in regards to my cousin or just wait on contact with my b-mom?
"I know some of it has to do with her job, husband, health, etc. She and I have exchanged one e-mail and while she told me "not now" because of those reasons, they seemed like reasons that would always be there, you know? Life is still going to happen no matter what!"
Yes...or as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." :hippie: In some ways I think it was easier before I found my birth family. At least then I could self-manufacture ideas of why someone may or may not want to do something, as opposed to trying to understand their rationale once I found them. But I digress...
Job, husband, and health can all be valid reasons. After all she does need to be "up to" more contact, be able to be herself without being too distracted by other things, etc. The job thing I'm less understanding of. My biased point of view is that we make time for the things we find important. Her job is important, yes, but I would argue you should be at least equally important if not more so. If it's a distraction thing, then it's a matter of her making the time. Hopefully it's not something where she thinks her job doesn't "measure up" to an expectation.
I still don't think it's productive to force anything with her. I do think you can be open and honest and lay your cards on the table in a positive way..."I understand how things can become hectic. I would really like the chance to talk with you and get to know you (and so myself), so I hope time will allow us that chance soon."
Regarding your cousin, is there a reason that you shouldn't make contact? Is your cousin still a minor? I don't think there's anything wrong with reaching out to another birth family member as long as there are no over-reaching issues that would prevent it. Most adult family members don't come with "right of first refusal" clauses. :D
Best,
PADJ
I agree! Sometimes I think it would have been very nice not to know, because I wouldn't have questioned everything. But, at the same time, I'm glad I know because some things just make much more sense knowing that I'm adopted. Thanks for your advice...I took that (along with my a-parents and friends) and basically said what you said. I told her how I felt, but I didn't push it. Now the ball is in her court, and I'm waiting to hear back from her. Regarding other family members, I just don't know what to do. I've found all three cousins from my b-mom's side of the family; two are minors and one isn't. As much as I would love to get to know the two minors (because they're girls and so am I), I'm not going to push that boundary. The older cousin is a boy, and I just don't know if it's worth it. I've also found my b-mom's sister and sister-in-law, so my two aunts on that side. My two aunts definitely know about me, but I'm not so sure about my cousin. He's a few years older than me, so it's very possible that he does know. I guess I'm saying that I don't want to reach out to them without my b-mom knowing so that she doesn't get mad. BUT, if she e-mails me back and says that she doesn't want to talk to me, would it be wrong to reach out to my older cousin and aunts? Or when she says no, does the door shut to them to? Add in the fact that her parents, my b-grandparents, have been apart of my life since I was born, and it's so frustrating. Sorry for the rambling, and thanks again for your thoughts!
Gosh that's a hard one. This is my perspective as a bmom, but I can't speak for your's. I'm a bmom who is putting off trying to communicate with my DS, because I know he is busy in college and I am also busy with my own training thing. I don't want to reach out to him until I know I have time to commit to him. Otherwise, I risk giving him the feeling of being rejected twice by me. Does that make sense? Maybe your bmom feels the same way. However, if DS contacted me first I would make the time.
As far as the cousins go, I would let your bmom know you are going to do it before you do it. Are you sure they know about you? I would be a little upset if my DS went straight to my niece without trying to contact me first. If he would just tell me he's going to do it, then I would be totally supportive. I would let your bmom know before you do it, especially if they are minors.
Just my 2 cents...
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I do agree with iwagrlVA's thoughts. Her explanation of possible motivation for a b-mom's motivations struck a chord with me. It's really difficult to know why someone makes the choices that they do since they are the only person who can explain. I also think it's a good idea to inform your b-mom of your intent (assuming that you have the intent) to contact other members of your birth family. You don't have to ask her permission exactly. You can let her know that you've researched and found who you believe to be birth relatives, and ask if there is any reason that you should not reach out to them. Or if you want to limit the waiting game a little bit, you could say that it's your intent to contact them unless she has a reason not to do so. Kind of up to you how to phrase it.
I do not believe that if your b-mom continues to say "not now" to contact with you, that then means that you are closed off to all other family members. As a courtesy you can let her know of course.
The big condition I would put on all this would concern any birth family members that you find that are still minors. In those cases, I think you not only should consider letting your b-mom know ahead of time, but you do need to go through the proper channels and advise the parents of those minors before proceeding.
Best,
PADJ
iwagrlVA :: Thanks for your thoughts, especially as a b-mom. I have no idea what she's thinking, so it was really nice to hear from someone who understands more than I do. I definitely won't contact my cousins until my b-mom knows, and at that I probably won't contact any of them except the one who isn't a minor. As far as the relationship with my grandparents, I wish it were that simple. My a-dad said the other day, "It would be nice if they could tell her (my b-mom) how you feel. They just won't confront her." And they won't. They only tell me what they feel like they "can" and what won't upset my b-mom. Like you said it's a unique situation (that's really frustrating at times).
PADJ :: Also, thanks. I think this time it's weird for me because with my b-dad, his relatives reached out to me. But, that was because they had just found out that I even existed, so they wanted to know everything about me. Most of my b-mom's family knows about me, and they've always known. It's just awkward, so I'm not completely sure how to go about the whole situation. I think I'm just going to wait until I hear from my b-mom on everything.
ihavealwaysknown
PADJ :: Also, thanks. I think this time it's weird for me because with my b-dad, his relatives reached out to me. But, that was because they had just found out that I even existed, so they wanted to know everything about me. Most of my b-mom's family knows about me, and they've always known. It's just awkward, so I'm not completely sure how to go about the whole situation. I think I'm just going to wait until I hear from my b-mom on everything.
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