My child doesn't want anything to do with me.

This is so rough, because the more you push, the more likely she will shut down. As hard as it is, I think you need to take a step back. When was the last time you communicated with her? I think maybe send one more letter where you let her know you will respect her wishes but that if, in the future, she has a change of heart, your door will be open. I would NOT say anything bad about her aparents, even if they did tell her a pack of lies (I will never understand this level of insecurity), because a) this does sound like a loyalty issue and b) you don't need to explain yourself, justify yourself, or stoop to their level. I might, however, mention about the hurtful things your daughter brought up and just say that those things are simply not true, without going into a guilt-trip or over-explaining it. Can you share what your daughter said that was so hurtful? It might help to see where she is coming from. Your daughter IS 21 years old, which is typically a time when young adults are wanting their independence and figuring out their future plans (college, career, etc.). At that age, I just wanted to be with my friends, I really didn't want to be around my mom, and I'm not adopted with two moms! I am sorry you are going through this. It's hard enough to live with relinquishing a child, but when the parents we entrusted to care for them tell them outright lies due to their own insecurities, this has to feel like a knife to the heart. I was fortunate in that my son's parents did not badmouth me to him, but did the exact opposite. We only had a semi-open adoption with letters and pictures exchanged through the agency, but even with positive feelings, it took my son 4 years from the time he released his identifying information to me until we met for the first time. For some adoptees, they jump right into reunion, but for others, they have a lot to process. Give it time, but also understand that it might be years before she is ready to come around, if at all. I always had hope that my son and I would reconnect, but kept my expectations in check, too. If it was not what he wanted, there was nothing I could do about that. In the meantime, I would CONTINUE to write to your daughter, but not sent the letters, or keep a journal for her. If, at some point, she wants to reconnect, you can have this for her. In many ways, I'm glad I had an agency intermediary. If my son didn't want contact, I'd have just continued to send updates to the agency to hold for him, which he'd be able to request from them when and if he wanted, without having to contact me if that made him uncomfortable. Perhaps this would be an option for you? I know that is not ideal, or what you really want, but it always gave me some comfort knowing I could write to him and if he so desired, he could have my updates. I hope you will find some measure of peace with this situation, difficult as it is.