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It's early for me to really start worrying about this but IF I end up adopting my two FSs, I can't imagine how I would be able to stay out of (and far away from) the bio family's dysfunction. My foster sons are 10 & 4 - the older guy is very close to his bio family including grandparents and tons of extended relatives. He has a lot of supervised visitation right now with bio family and pretty much unlimited (supervised by me) phone contact with bio parents and all the rest of his bio family. I am good at establishing and maintaining boundaries and I'm trying to teach the 10-year old what boundaries are and how to maintain them. However, I can't imagine any scenario (or any good scenario) where I don't have to constantly deal with all of the bio family's dysfuction for the rest of my life. The thought of that is daunting to me.....everything they do is dysfunctional - from discussing inappropriate topics on the phone (not age-appropriate) to buying inappropriate toys etc. etc. You all know what I'm talking about and what it's like dealing with bios....I can handle it as a foster mother and I'm very nice and respectful to the family while constantly holding the boundaries firm (sending back the toys, interrupting the phone conversations with comments like "a ten-year old really shouldn't be hearing about ___" and steering the conversation back to appropriate topics). For the older boy's sake, I would have to keep the adoption somewhat "open". If it weren't for the 10-year old, I'd just send updates on the little guy and maybe have a visit once a year or something. But with a 10-year old, I can't really see how I'm going to realistically limit his contact with them. He will be 11 or 12 when (IF) the adoption were to happen, he will likely have a cell phone by then (all his friends have ones now). He will have internet access (I monitor it of course) but I doubt I would be able to realistically limit his contact with them to a few times a year. What does everyone do who adopts older kids? My goal is to shelter the younger kid from a lot of the things the older kid has already been exposed to (violent video games, rated R movies, inappropriate conversations, poor choices etc.) while still allowing the older kid to have some "freedom" in his contact with his bio family.....but I (personally) want to stay far, far away from all the drama. Does the bio family contact (with older children) all work itself out in the end? Will the older kid's desire to see them taper off when he isn't having as many visits or when he starts to realize he won't be going home (presuming it goes to adoption)? Am I going to be faced with a rebellious teenager desperate for more contact with bio family while I'm trying to keep the younger one "sheltered" from the insanity? Is it even possible to shelter the younger one? I'm very pro-RU (for the ten-year old's sake) and would be delighted if they were able to RU safely or go to a good home with relatives. IF RU doesn't happen, what in the world am I going to do? There are no legally-enforceable open adoptions in my state so don't worry about me possibly agreeing to more than I should. All contact would be voluntary by me but I can't even picture what I'd be willing to live with... I am trying to live in the moment and I realize that any possible adoption is still a long time away but Child Services has already asked me (officially) if I'd be willing to adopt so I've really been thinking about this a lot. I have no reservations about the kids (they are great) but I have tons of reservations about the ongoing contact with their family. Thanks for any BTDT or other advice!
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You set boundaries. Yes, those boundaries are different b/c he is older, but at the same time, he is also old enough to have it explained to him. You will lay out rules for the bio family, like all of us who have adopted from foster care, regardless of the age. Help explain the rules to the 10 y.o., so he knows what they are and why they are in place. If they break the rules, then the visit, phone call, whatever is over. No explaining is needed b/c you are MOM by that point, and you have already discussed rules. I personally have found it way easier to make rules and requests of the bios since we finalized our adoptions. It will be harder for them (IME) to realize that now YOU make the rules, and there is no arguing about the rules (definitely do NOT let them draw you into arguments about the rules you make for contact) FWIW, I would not allow unlimited phone contact if bios are constantly talking about inappropriate things on the phone. Explain it to bios, explain it to the 10 y.o., but it's not good for him to be allowed unlimited contact with family who is talking about inappropriate things during every phone call, or every other phone call. I had to explain this to our 9 and 6 y.o. ffks, and they understood once I explained it to them. If you are having to stop every phone call to let bios know what is appropriate vs what isn't, I would cut calls down to 2-3x/week or less if they can't comply.
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In the 10 yr to 13 yr age range my daughter would contact her bparents via facebook and calls I didn't know about. That mostly resulted in her being frightened or hurt by the responses she got, and we wound up getting a restraining order against her bdad. When she was 14 yrs old she actually asked for permission to talk on the phone with her bmom (of course it turned out she already was doing it) which I allowed. I am not good at putting forth much effort to police the interaction, but my daughter talks to her therapist about issues with the bparents. I was particularly surprised when this year (she is 15 now) she wants to meet with her bmom, but only for 1 hour, and only if the meeting is supervised at the therapists office. And when the therapist asked for her bmom's number to call and see if she could arrange it (bmom lives half way across the country), my daughter warned the therapist to block her number because if not her bparents could not be trusted to keep to any boundaries about calling it. Makes me wonder how much she has had to put up with without my knowledge. Anyway, to sum up from my limited experience, I'd say you can protect yourself from being bothered (such as by having a restraining order), but you will need to just keep educating your fs about his rights to set boundaries, the facts about his situation (i.e., if they lose parental rights he needs to know that they cannot get him back even if they tell him they can), and that if there are problems he doesn't feel comfortable bringing to you, that he should talk to a trustable adult like a school counselor or his therapist.
You set the boundaries: one call a week to start with. You're trying to move them away from the dysfunction. In my case, bio mom of my 2 oldest still had monthly visits but her actions ended in them not wanting to see her. A friend of mine had to disrupt an adoption and place another child in an RTC due to fb contact with bio mom. So while I wouldn't cut it off altogether, I would definitely limit it.
joyfulmother
I would not allow 10 yr old to have a private phone or private phone contact with bios. Supervise everything. I would do visits if they follow your rules and if it is good for the kiddos. You never know what they will say to them.
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Thanks for this advice, JMD, I am taking steps to limit the phone calls even right now. This makes a lot of sense.
jmd5294
You set boundaries. Yes, those boundaries are different b/c he is older, but at the same time, he is also old enough to have it explained to him. You will lay out rules for the bio family, like all of us who have adopted from foster care, regardless of the age. Help explain the rules to the 10 y.o., so he knows what they are and why they are in place. If they break the rules, then the visit, phone call, whatever is over. No explaining is needed b/c you are MOM by that point, and you have already discussed rules. I personally have found it way easier to make rules and requests of the bios since we finalized our adoptions. It will be harder for them (IME) to realize that now YOU make the rules, and there is no arguing about the rules (definitely do NOT let them draw you into arguments about the rules you make for contact) FWIW, I would not allow unlimited phone contact if bios are constantly talking about inappropriate things on the phone. Explain it to bios, explain it to the 10 y.o., but it's not good for him to be allowed unlimited contact with family who is talking about inappropriate things during every phone call, or every other phone call. I had to explain this to our 9 and 6 y.o. ffks, and they understood once I explained it to them. If you are having to stop every phone call to let bios know what is appropriate vs what isn't, I would cut calls down to 2-3x/week or less if they can't comply.
I am adopted at age 10. My family thought the same thing about keeping it open. Looking back now, with all the mixed messages and such... I wish it had been closed. That is coming from a child's perspective. It is too hard to walk the tightrope... I know you are trying to do the right thing - but consistency and boundaries are best.
Such a tough situation, esp with cell phones and FB and things these days that previous decades' adopters did not have to take into consideration. Two things that I would consider: 1) what is the 10 year-old's understanding of why he is in care and why rights might be terminated? I would want to be sure he was getting this information, and I woud want to make sure a therapist was talking with him about it even if he already knows. I think it's important for a "neutral party" to factually discuss what those reasons are. You can bet that bios are telling him directly or indirectly "their side" of why he is in care, and you don't want to be the only voice on the "other" side--the reality side. 2) Forbidden fruit is the sweetest and plus those people are his family, so any new limit-setting you do is likely to meet with more desire and determination on his part. For that reason, I would try to set firm boundaries now, so you're not stuck trying to tighten up later. If possible, I would put some of the limits off on others "adoption workers say this amount of contact is a good place to start, and I have to trust their experience. We'll see how it goes from there" and b/c I can't stand drama or foolishness, I would be pretty limited--one phone call a month and two visits per year or somethng. And then I'd try to keep him really busy so he's not sitting around with time on his hands looking to fill it.
Agree with PP. Our FFD ran to her grams house not knowing the real reasons they had been removed from there (mom lived with gram) b/c she was too young to remember. She still lives there, but for some reason believes they are the best family in the world despite admitting she's terrified of some of the people that "visit".
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Thanks for the advice. Pepperminty - I will make sure therapist is working with him on why....you're right about making the boundaries tight to begin with (and not waiting until after the way-in-the-future-possible adoption). I've been far more restrictive in the past few months...he doesn't seem to miss the phone contact at all. I'm reading all sorts of books/articles and realizing that rules, restrictions, boundaries = safety in a child's mind and a 10-year old is still a child. Teacher311 - thanks - your post was really helpful!