I don't feel like a Mom

Sending you a :grouphug: I can empathize with how your feeling. My DD is older (7) and we finalized over a year ago, but every once in a while I'm overwhelmed with this feeling. Over the holidays, for example, DD spent the night with her cousin (DH and I stayed in a hotel). He was to drop me off at my sisters before heading to his dad's. He insists on coming in to say "hi" and give her a hug because he "hasn't seen her in 12 hours." I look at him like he's from Mars. People really feel that lost without their kids?? then it hit me.. I'm not a real mom if I'm not in pain when she's away for the night.. or if I don't think about her 10 times a day.. or if I groan when she suggests playing barbies 10 times a day. Had I given birth to her, I'm pretty sure I'd be the same way. But for some reason, adoption makes me feel less adequate. The reality.. being a mom is hard. everyone acts and feels differently. You can't beat yourself up for not feeling like you should. hang in there, ok?

Hugs to you, hon. I do not do kids ages 20 month - 3 1/2 yrs unless I've had them from infancy. Seriously -- I just can't handle it. So hats off to you, because you ARE doing it! Toddlers are hard. I am head over heels in love with my kids, have had them since infancy, and they are still hard to deal with sometimes. My sister told me before I had any kids "3 year olds are jerks." And that pretty much sums it up. I love my daughter to death, but I can't wait until she gains some maturity and gets closer to 4. haha. My daughter never had tantrums until she turned 3, so it's entirely possible that the other foster mom didn't see many tantrums.

If you truly feel that parenting is not for you, you might want to hold off on finalizing the adoption. There's lack of bonding and feeling like you aren't a mom and then there's "I regret this completely & don't want to parent AT ALL", kwim? One is something that can take time and work, and the other is something that says a lot about whether or not you really want to be a mom at all. Is there a difference for you? I'm not judging, just asking if you see parenthood in general a mistake or if it's just this age, the bonding etc.

the kid is driving you nuts you have escape plans in the back of your mind daily you NEED more time for yourself you worry that this is all not going to work out at all for you you can't do what you want to usually, someone has stolen your life austere becomes your word of the every day your stuck with the worst of it, usually, since you are the mom your 3 year old thinks he is the only person on the planet and his plans are to suck the life out of you and take all the power sounds like you are feeling like a Mom to me :)

I love you, Beth :D

I'll chime in to say, if I had JUST taken placement of my 21 month old, I may be having some buyers regret right about now. Since I have had her from day one, I KNOW her temperment. I've had all these months to bond and grow to love her to the moon and back. Still. Today has not been a good day. Not the picture I had painted in my mind as we were prepping to become parents. Hell, before I left the house today I was almost in tears....and it wasn't yet 9 o'clock.My best friend adopted to toddlers last year. That first year of bonding was HARD. And TWO of them. Just yesterday I marveled at how well this friend had fared this last year, and that the girls have settled in and bonded.Take Crick's question and mull it over. Parenting is awfully hard work. Where you are right now is the pits. Dig deep and really ask yourself if you want the challenges, the love, the mystery, the rewards, and the sweetness that comes with being a parent. Even with an infant, it took me months to fall in love. Then it took even longer than that to realize that I would literally lay my life down for her in a heartbeat. A feeling so powerful, it still shocks me.Hang in there, and vent away. :love:edited to add: and yes, "buyers remorse" is me being extremely flippant on a very hard day. :D

I wish we all could have a crystal ball to look into the future and see if where we would be in a few months or a few years. My first year was...well, not hard because I had a relatively easy infant...but I wondered if I would love him with the ferocity of a "Mama Bear". I worried that I wouldn't be able to lay my life down for him, which always seems to be the big test of mother's love. Well, he's (almost) 5 now and I love him beyond...just beyond...beyond what I ever imagined possible. Still it is sometimes hard being a mom. but I am now at the place that knowing ANYTHING at all about furute trials would not dissuade me. Even if he gets in big trouble, has huge challenges, I would never turn back. but I wish I had been able to know that 4 years ago. I think you need to dig deep as Crick suggested. It is natural to be worried, even to panic. But if you think this is more than pre-adoption anxiety, I would strongly advise you to tlak to someone with adoption and attachment experience. no judgment, no shame. Just a chance to examine your fears because you won't do yourself or this child any favors if you simply are not meant to parent him. I truly wish you all the best...no matter what.

tulip, I hope things are better for you today. I don't envy the decision you are struggling with, I hope you are able to choose what is best for everyone. And I hope you can keep guilt pretty much out of the decision. One thought I had - if you are really overwhelmed at the moment, hire someone to help if you can. Someone to help do all the boring mom(and dad) stuff for a while, giving you time for your thing and letting you concentrate on the good stuff with your son. When mine were young, and I was young LOL they seemed to get in my way a lot. They made all "my stuff" (work, fun, friends, alone time with hubby, my clean organized house, perfectly detailed car, my wardrobe) difficult. I couldn't wait for the day for them to be big enough to do things on their own and get out of my way. I worked a lot to escape, like many mom's do. It gave me money and sanity, and plenty of guilt. Like WC (I love you too;) ) I didn't miss them so much sometimes when they'd go for a day or overnight with Gma, I was pretty happy to have my time back for a while. I had some guilt, but maybe not as much extra guilt since they were my biokids - like WC points out. That has to make it much harder. I think since they temporarily stole my body before they stole my life, I had become somewhat used to the thievery, and was happy to at least have my body back. I got one freedom back that I had lost. That must make it a little easier to put up with what at the time felt like loosing even more of myself. I watched my 27 year old daughter pull out of my driveway to go back home Monday, 400 miles away. I don't feel like that anymore, she is not in my way anymore, I want her to be here in my way now LOL and to bring who ever she wants with her! A full blown temper tantrum in my living room floor would be welcomed now. Just the thought of it makes me happy and warm :) and I would plan a party around the glorious tantrum! Make a video, oooo a music video! maybe I will get some grand kids soon that will scream and squirm all over my floor:woohoo: I really wanted to go with her. I am not handling it so well LOL and my son leaves for college next fall. Look up "basket case" to see my picture. Soon I will be stuck alone with my husband LOL That is pretty terrifying to me now. What I wanted 17 to 27 years ago for my life, isn't so much what I want now, even tho now I can have it. I think it is some sort of trick LOL It all changes so much, and so quickly. Yes, a crystal ball would have been very helpful!

Hmmm you ladies have given me so much to think about.....I do feel like there is a lack of bonding on my side and don't feel like a mom and sometimes I do feel regret but lately I just feel like a big fake. I don't feel like myself anymore, I used to be such a nice and patience person. But now I feel like I've had to become this strict demanding "Mom" setting limits and laying down rules while at the same time learning to love a child I'm still getting to know. I know I'm also anxious about finalizing the adoption because that means he will be my responsibility forever and ever and that is just a scary thought for me. I want him to grow up feeling loved and special and I just don't know if that will happen because of the way I'm feeling now. Like I mentioned before the tantrums have gotten so much better and he's learning to control his feelings, but because he was so unpredictable in the beginning it's hard for me to trust how he's going to act in any situation. He can be so stubborn at times, and the power struggles are just ridiculous. Beth I feel so many of the feelings you once felt....like he's in my way and wants constant attention and I can't wait until he's old enough to take himself a bath etc. It's just so hard feeling this way and seeing that DH has adjusted just fine to our new life. I feel very stressed out, but I have been able to keep my exercise routine in place which has helped me feel more normal :). I'm also slowly learning to trust that it's ok to take him to grandma's house or an aunt's house and not have to worry about him throwing a tantrum or being mean. I will definietly look into finding a sitter, I think that will help as well too. Anyway, just thought I would share some more of my story. Thanks for listening!

I really think so many moms, during the kids growing stages (some are very trying LOL), often have to look towards the future to make it through today. Childhood is short, we get more time in life with our sons and daughters as adults. IMO Little boys ages 4, 5-8+ are SO MUCH FUN! It is so cool to watch them and their Dad's do their boy things. I do boy things too, but I just don't "get" a lot of it like they do. I guess it's something you have to see. I love to talk and play with kids of that age. There is no one on this planet that will protect me like my son. No one who worries about my safety, my feelings, my health, than my golden-hearted boy. At 17 he's my best bud, my personal driver, my security guard, he knows which movies and music I will like. He makes plans to do things, and invites me! He fixed my ATV, he puts gas in my vehicles, checks the tires, carries heavy stuff for me.... He has the best hugs, he is a foot taller than me now. He makes me look really really good in our community LOL I get to go to his HS graduation, get to see him be the best man at his sisters wedding this spring, get to watch him go off to college soon, I pray I get to see what his beautiful life will look like. (Is there a pill that stops you from crying like an idiot at such events?) But with all that comes the money needed, juggling the time, the stress of getting everything done, the worry of what could go wrong, trying to communicate with a teenager LOL. It's not easy, but we've managed to live thru the yucky parts somehow. It's worth it for me, even tho I have put their lives ahead of mine for quite a while, I'm glad I did. My adult daughter may not take all my time anymore, but when she left, she did take my hairbrush, deodorant, laundry detergent, makeup, toothpaste........ Do I care? no LOL she always does that LOL I was prepared. She graduates this month, and soon will be working full time at her new wonderful job. then it will be a new ball game LOL I'm going to her house to stock up. I can't imagine how my life would be with out them now. And don't want to imagine, don't care, no way would it have been this great :)

It's a huge change to go from tulip and wife, to tulip and wife and mother. I don't know about you but when I went to beth and wife I was seriously rethinking that one too LOL and then I added mother to the mix and I could have easily ran. Especially the second time around when my oldest was 10 and I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I gave hubby the fun stuff for our second, bathtime, bedtime, doc appointments, daycare drop off. Maybe your DH could take over one or so of those tasks as his, since he is doing so well with the change. Maybe he hasn't had to change his day so much?? Just know you are not alone sweetheart. I'll listen anytime, and I know sometimes amoms don't feel free to complain like I might, and I get that, and it's not so fair. So I am saying some of this stuff for you all LOL you can't fool me I know you feel it too somedays. It's natural. Take a chill, but look deep and if you think it is not something you can do in the long run, now is the time to make that call, not years from now. I hope it all goes the way you'd like it to go.

Awe Beth....thank you for listening and sharing your story...tears...I can tell you are one special person and "Mom". I hope that one day this child and I could have the same kind of relationship that you have with your son. I'm seriously thinking about going to counseling to talk about my feelings during this transition period. Like I mentioned before I just haven't been myself lately and I want to feel normal and be happy again. DH has been a great help to me, he takes him to daycare every morning and spends time with him on the weekends so that I can go to the gym and run errands. Because of his work schedule I usually do dinner, bath, and bedtime M-T. It's just difficult because I feel like I'm the only one with the problem.....everyone else has adjusted just fine except me. I try to think about when he's older and how much easier it will be, but it's still hard. I just feel like it's too late to turn back now since we are so close to finalizing so all I can do is accept my new life and move forward. In the beginning before he was placed in our home I asked for signs that this was the right thing to do and I got those signs.....I truly believe all things happen for a reason. So I will put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Thanks again for listening.....

I have posted this link in the past and I really do think it is a great essay about post-adoption blues and panic after adopting an older child. Take a look: [url=http://melissafaygreene.com/pages/adoptanthology.html]Melissa Fay Greene, POST-ADOPTION PANIC, Reprinted in REDBOOK December 2005[/url]

That story brought tears to my eyes!

Sending :grouphug: . My DD is 7 and I love her to the moon and back. I also adopted her as an infant (13 wks). She was a relatively easy baby, but I was still struggled giving up my single free life to being a Single "Mom by choice." The first week after I was wondering what the heck I'd done as well. While holding DD one day I was watching TV and it was a talk show (Dr Phil?) abt an AP that couldn't bond w/ child. I looked down into that tiny face and even though I was strugglying.... I was bonding and knew I'd do anything 4 her.The advice on the boards was to fake it until u felt it. But when she hit the late 2's and early 3's... life was once again VERY VERY hard (kicked out of daycares/ biting/etc) and had me breaking down into my own tantrums of tears. Luckily I loved her to the moon and back by then so kept moving forward. But if she'd come to me during that age and been difficult on top of my own struggles it would have been astronomically hard. Your feelings are "real" but they don't make you a bad person or a bad mom...and if you had a crystal ball you'd probably see a very bonded mother very much in love w/ her child in the future. Be kind 2 urself, seek help, and like others said ... fake it until u feel it. Sending positive thoughts your way!