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Ji, I'm new to this group (this is my first post :) And I realize I may find more info on this topic as I search other threads, but here's what's on my mind: We've just made initial contact with a sw regarding a teen boy in our state. He sounds like a wonderful young man, and we'd be very willing to get to know him better in hopes of adopting him. But with every child we've ever inquired about, there is the inevitable sexual abuse history. We've had therapeutic foster care training, and I've worked in a group home for very troubled kids, so nothing really shocks me. So... in learning more about this boy, I was told there had been mention made of sexual acting out w/ his sister (a yr younger) when they were in their early teens. I don't know if this was based on something she said, or what, but we'll be finding out more in the upcoming weeks. According to the sw I spoke with it's only been called a suspicion, and she has not personally seen anything to indicate it's true, or that it's a part of his ongoing personality/or that he would be any type of threat to our young daughters (2, 3 & 4) She describes with great fondness, stating that he's very kind & caring and very much wants a family before he ages out. she said he has a great relationship with his foster parents, but they are elderly and would really like to see him adopted and in a family of his own. We'd like to be that family. Here's my question. Not knowing the individual boy, can you tell me at least that there is hope to be found here? Have you seen where kids in foster care with the "sexual acting out label" have successfully become part of families like ours? Or am I being naive? I just don't want to see this boy age out of FC over something that may or may not even be true. BUT like any good parent, I don't want to bring even a hint of danger to my other children. I want to give this kid a chance, and his worker and ours will determine if they feels we're a good fit. I guess I just want to hear that it's not out of the question. Again, I know you don't know the specific child, neither do I yet. And I want to be realistic. I just don't want to write him off too quickly. Ok, I think I'm rambling... ;) I'd love to hear others' experiences with this.
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I have minimal experience with this in that our children are toddlers so even though they were abused the acting out has been just them doing inappropriate things with themselves. Also, they are the only children in our home. I will say though that I was abused as a child & with having gone through that I would never ever be able to take a chance of putting my kids at risk of it. I think maybe a home where there were not small children that could potentially be victimized might be the best place for him.
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First, it's not inevitable. Out of 4 placements, only 1 was the victim of SA. He acted out; you'll need line of sight. No being alone with anyone younger, no closed doors. And expect the acting out. Mine grew out of it. will he do it in the future? Possibly. but I let him know he had to watch his behavior because of it.
SuddenMom
I have minimal experience with this in that our children are toddlers so even though they were abused the acting out has been just them doing inappropriate things with themselves. Also, they are the only children in our home. I will say though that I was abused as a child & with having gone through that I would never ever be able to take a chance of putting my kids at risk of it. I think maybe a home where there were not small children that could potentially be victimized might be the best place for him.
I hate to say it but I would be very wary of taking him in my home with 3 young children.-It is known that more often than not it is boys who have been sexually abused who go on to perpetrate that abuse. I also would not rely on the caseworker to be completely honest and forthcoming in regard to the incident between the boy and his sister. I sometimes think that they cover up and minimalize behaviors that make it extremely difficult to place a child- such as this. I think this boy would be best in a home where he is the only child or the youngest child.
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we have a rule here.. no children OLDER then the YOUNGEST in the house! this hopefully helps prevent SA and protects the children in the house. we had 2 FS here at one time, 7 & 13, and BOTH acted out sexually, the 7 year old molested 2 children in my neighborhood, the 13 year old was molesting my dog. we had NO IDEA that they did this, until it was too late. everybody who met them, said, OH, how nice are these 2!! and soo friendly. *I* learned my lesson the hard way. I will never take any children that are older then my youngest. please re-think your plan. I know teens need homes too. But molestation can happen SOOO FAST, so can abuse. And if you are a 'normal' person, like me, you won't even see the signs, until it's too late. NOW I am more prepared, but I'm not willing to do sexually active anymore. It's too much.
STWhite
According to the sw I spoke with it's only been called a suspicion, and she has not personally seen anything to indicate it's true, or that it's a part of his ongoing personality/or
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I agree with what many have said: there seems to be too much at stake here for you to adopt this teen boy. He is older than your other children, which can be problematic even under the best circumstances... I love that your heart is in the right place, but personally I would not be comfortable having him in my home with three young girls.
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Your daughters are soooo young, and he is a teen.......as pp said, he could not act out for a couple of years, and you get into a false sense of security and dont realize he is molesting or at the very least, grooming your girls. I agree with those who have said he needs to be the youngest or an only child in the household. Its too much of a risk.