Attachment problems

im not a adoptee myself but my mom was a single parent so i had daddy issues bad. I did alot of stupid things got into alot of nasty relationship. I believe there's a turning point in everyone's life mine was a few years after i had my daugther i just couldnt be me the way i dealt with relationships so i changed and now im a stable relationship and it works so good luck to you

I dont know if this will help susie but while I donҒt have problems getting into or staying in relationships, I do find it very easy to walk away from them. Its like I can flip a switch and turn it off if I have to. IҒve been with my girlfriend for six years now I think. As the relationship slowly developed I was very open and honest about my expectations, what I wanted, and most importantly the things that I would not be able to tolerate. She crossed the not be able to tolerate boundaries a few times which upset me greatly, but accepted my reactions and made genuine efforts to not do those things again. As she did that my trust and faith in her continued to grow and lead to us being in a pretty good place. The key for me was her acceptance of my reactions. She didnt have to understand it. She just accepted that something bothered me, decided for herself that she could handle it, and didnҒt do it again. If she had been dismissive of my boundaries I would have talked with her about it, because theres always the possibility that IҒm looking at something the wrong way, but I would have definitely been getting ready to flip that switch.

Thanks for your comments.

Hi I have had issues with Attachment for Years Since i was about 15 Where i Learned more about what happened with Me and My Birthparents. Basicly from the day i was born My parents did not treat me well, I received servere neeglect and was fed boiling water for six months and left in a dirty nappy for 7 hours receiving rashes, I was never taken to hospitl if i was sick or given medicine my parents could not look after me . to be fair to my mother she had learning difficultes so found it hard to cope with her own care! My Father Was an alocholic who drank rather than cared> My Mother then Moved in with My Se dad who turn to Social workers saying "not my Kids i don't want to look after themI was put in a childrens home and foster care for the Next two years So thats my Story So in terms of My current attachments i find it hard to relate and trust my aparents to a greater degree i find it hard to alow them in to many of my problems, this is the same with my randparents. I juust want my family ut the way as i feel they going o abandon me like my bpaents. My Whole life is spent testing the onnection with them to see if it is true and if they get toclose I push them away again. In terms of My frends which i pleased to say i have uite a few. But My best Friend i had issues with recently, i have become to close to her, No respecting her problems and Contacting her every minute of the day, About all my problems. She has her own life to lead and does not need to listen to old me going on 24/7. I need to trust myself to become friend rather than a patint i want to be a good friend almost family but daily my sub conious self goesthrough doubt, guuilt untrustyworthness, i feel she hates but i know she loves me In the past i have had GFs But it has gone he same way as above. I don't want to live my life alone But if i do not deal with these issues thats all i can see for myself :grr:

I have a problem with relationships. I was adopted at birth, and while I do love my aMom and aDad I have never felt like I had a deep bond with them. I am 36 years old and really dont have friends, other than two that I have known for many many years, but they both live far away from me. I have been in a relationship with a guy for 8 years now and he is my companion and best friend. I know sometimes I can be over clingy and almost suffocate him. He is pretty much the only person I ever talk to about being adopted. I find it difficult to bring down the walls and let people into my life. The only way to describe how I feel is to say that I always feel lonely....like I have an empty spot in my heart that I have never been able to fill. My biggest fear is that someday the few people that I do have in my life will leave this earth and I will be truly all alone.

Thanks for your comments. So sorry for both of your feelings. My biggest fear is to be living on the street all alone. Hope for us all!!!

Oh susiema. My heart breaks for you. I know my boyfriend (adopted at age 4.5) experiences the same problem. He has trouble trusting friends and coworkers. While he gets along with mostly everyone, he is always hesitant to let his guard down. We have been together for 18 months now, but it took at least 6 for him to fully commit. He is by no means a player or anything...I think he just didn't know how to let his guard down. It didn't help that he was cheated on in his last relationship. I can't tell you how many times I thought about walking away because I felt I loved him more than he loved me. Even now we struggle with that. He wonders what is wrong with him that I do not know how much he loves me. I am not undamaged, either. My father, who was the absolute center of my world, cheated on and later divorced my mom. He then moved back to his home country with no warning. I was devastated. I have long since gotten over that, but I know that sometimes I react to my boyfriend's seeming uninterest in/lack of attachment to me by withholding my affection or threatening to sever ties. I am not proud of this at all, but I also know it is a pre-emptive strike because I cannot bear that kind of heartbreak again.I am only now learning, 19 months after meeting the man I hope to marry, that I have to be patient and understanding. I would never betray him and I wish I could heal every crack in his heart. Intellectually, he knows that he can and should trust me. But he still holds back. It is an ongoing process and both people must be willing to work. But you recognize the issue so that is a very encouraging thing. :)

Thanks rocksteady, you are a very wise and patient person and your boyfriend, I am sure knows how lucky he is to have you. Just be there for him and don't give up. You both have been through alot of heartbreaks, I am sure at times it is hard for both of you. Best wishes Susie

hey whats up? i hope you still check this forum, i'm mark, hey... i've had this on again off again kinda relationship with my friend Valentina (adopted), and it's hard, we're back together again, sorta, and we're planning on moving in together, and this is like a big step, i love her SOOO much but i can feel the intimacy issues, i do everything i can to let her know i love her and that she can trust me, we've gotten alot closer than when we first met, i can see progress but theres always somthing i feel like i'm doing wrong or not good enuff or maybe the wrong way, i guess i'm just tryin to reach out to you in hope that you could help, me to understand what goin on in her head, PLEASE HELP, i love this girl.....

Hi Mrklmm, First, do you know any of the details of your friends adoption, how old she was etc. That has alot to do with certain issues. For me, I never felt good enough for any relationship and would be the first one to end it even if it was going well. I always felt if my parents did not want me there must be something really wrong with me. Also, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I was adopted, I felt like I was carrying a big secret that no one could get past, so I would break up with them. If you really love her, be patient and try to talk it out with her. It takes along time for an adoptee to trust and not fear that we will be left again. You can message me anytime and I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there.

I was adopted as a 6 week old baby and reading this thread makes me realise I'm not the only one with these issues. I can't imagine living with someone else and have lived alone since finishing uni and starting work 13 years now. I find it very easy to break relationships for frankly very flimsy grounds basically because I feel I need my own space and cannot commit to someone who may one day leave me. My (non-blood) brother who I grew up with and who was also adopted as a young baby has similar issues. I have 2 close friends (one male one female) who were adopted in similar circumstances and are happily married with families. I discussed my feelings on this with them my adopted friends a couple of months ago and they couldn't understand where I was coming from so its reassuring others have similar thoughts.

Yes, Londonsergei there are many of us that feel this way. I wonder why your two adopted friends can't understand the way you feel?? What was different about their adoption, I wonder,. that they don't have the same issues as you and I.

hey susiema, thanx for responding, well she was always in an orphanage over in romania, and lost complete contact with her mother when she was i think 6-8 years old, not sure if its relevant but her mom was a prostitute, she used to come by the ophange and braid her hair, but then that stopped, and since she left the orphanage she wen from foster home ton foster home over here in the states, and at about 13 or 14 she decided to run, and was on her own livin from place to place, then we met when she was 17, and we been off and on since then, and that was like 4 or 5 years ago, anyway i hope this helps, hey susiema, you can get me at my email, mrklamm@gmail.com, there's a lil more to her and my story, but i dont really wanna be puttin up for the world to see, talk to you soon...

Attachment problems, you say? lol Whew, where to begin. I meet someone I'm attracted to and put up walls that even the most experienced brick/stone mason couldn't tear down and yet, if I'm not really attracted, I won't say so to avoid hurting their feelings and typically end up getting hurt myself. Now, I meet someone I even sort of like and seem to get clingy. I never did that before - always put up walls. Married twice and now divorced because I couldn't seem to get the emotional support I needed, now 51, very alone and 'what the heck do I do now'?Adopted as an infant by very loving parents of 4 other adoptees. None of us could have asked for better lives (except that I went through sibling abuse and only just spilled that about 10 years ago - funny how it's now "my fault"). I don't speak with anyone from my adoptive family because the ones who knew took 'his' side. I have little to go on with birth family because it's pretty disjointed too (though pretty sure it would be a waste of time and would likely feel rejected all over again).So attachment issues?? Ya, I've got that.Seek a counselor to talk with you suggest? Yep, did that and she is the one who brought out the abuse and assured me that I HAD to tell and that if I told my afamily, I would get support and all would be better. Ya NOT !!Suggestions?