I truly don't want to search but...

Hello, I am not the most eloquent on here so much of this will be said better than I can over the coming days - but primarily right now perhaps you shouldn't focus on the end game, the destination - just enjoy the journey of searching - which in itself can be very exciting . It can also be frustrating but you are doing something. I was much like you when I began - figured a Birth Certificate would be enough - until I had the birth certificate - and then I thought just to know a bit more would be fine - so I wrote a letter asking some questions hoping for a letter in response- 18 months later I have a relaitionship with my Bmom. So just take it a step at a time - and you get to decide how small or large those steps will be. And the fact that you are on here probably speaks volumes to whether you should search or not. You will be surprised what voids can be filled with those small steps and how complete you might one day feel.

Thanks, Annom, excellent advice, focus on the process and remember that I'm in control. I'd be quite open to hear from any others.....

CherylAnn, Try not to focus on the what ifs. Also keep in mind that you may have birth siblings that would be interested in knowing you. You just don't know until you try.

You might find siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. IOW, you have more than one chance of meeting someone related to yourself. One of my cousins had that experience. It was rattling for him/us (our family is very close) in the beginning, but has leveled out. The siblings look like peas in a pod. (He found full birth siblings, and isn't the only person I know who had that happen.)In addition... what about "adopting" a family, in a sense? Perhaps too scary, but a church family, a "family" that volunteers on the same projects, Habitat for Humanity volunteering where there's a team that works on a project, some sort of volunteering where you work with a team that becomes connected. And from that, perhaps find a family who'd accept you as an "aunt" of sorts to their children, be happy to have you in their lives at family gatherings. I have friends where we eat at each other's homes about once a month. Some are dyadic relationships (just back/forth, 2 families), and some more complex, multiple people/families involved. Just some thoughts. Sort of an "in between" type of family relationship.

ywagrLVA, yes, you are right, not focusing on the what ifsӔ is perhaps the only way to traverse this notion of searching. And, being open to discovering other members of my b-family in the process. Thank you. alys, thank you to for pointing out the possibility of b-relatives beyond my b-mother/father. An important part of this journey to which it is important for me to open myslef. To the latter half of your post, I can tell that you intended it to be kind and helpful, and honestly I am grateful for that. Not wanting to sound grandiose or arrogant, but Ive been involved with Habitat, off and on since the ґ80s, was part of a team that responded to Katrina in 2 week on 6 months off rotations for 3 years, serve at a local soup kitchenҗIm redesigning their brochure and helped them provide 5 meals with the turkeys and food leftover after all their clients had received food for 3 families struggling with cancer and 2 with neurological trauma. I also teach a well-attended weekly class on forgiveness and facilitate a weekly art therapy class for the homeless, unmediated mentally ill at a Safe Haven Shelter. And, I am G-ma to a family of three girls, one of which was born without a lung and an esophagus. I am quite involved and very connected. IҒm sorry; your suggestions miss the point: There is a trauma of self, an existential-intrapsychic struggle inherent in trying to forge and existence and identity without either enduring biological or experiential rationality with particular othersa family. Despite the Life Time Movie Network and the feel-good sentimentalies of popular culture self-help wisdoms, one cannot דadopt another family to fulfill these fundamental needs and longings of the human psyche. IԒm sorry, perhaps that sound quite rude but it is how I think about these things, it is my experience. My point here is to try to meet these basic human longings and needs in a way that has integrity to my experience of the past 55 years of my life as an adoptee vis some other horrible, life altering losses. Again, sorry if I sound horrible and, truly, many thanks.

Meeting or even seeing a picture of a blood relative can be a powerful life altering experience. Especially after so many years of wondering. It was for me anyway, at 40. Still is everytime I see them, especially some of them. The connection is amazing and possibly impossible to explain in words. It can be very big and very deep, certainly primal. How could that not be scary? I will agree with trying not to over think all the what-ifs. Even after you find them, if you choose. It really is a waste of time and effort gong over all the what-ifs. I am tired just thinking about it LOL I wish I had all that time back. It sounds to me like you have a lot of tools in your belt already to take this journey with. I think you may be stronger than you think you might be. Not like I know or anything! But it sounds like it to me. Reading how others dealt with what they found helped me alot too. Setting individual boundaries with anyone becomes the sometimes difficult part after meeting, but it's doable. We have that freedom when it comes to family, possibly moreso than a non-adoptee. I think you are doing well so far by honestly considering what those boundaries might be - depending on the what-if's that you have covered so far. That's the problem tho, it's so much easier to deal with the "what is" even if it's not the what-is you would rather find. I think small info steps can be good too, it's suprising how much a little scrap of new info satisfies the hunger, for a while anyway. Finding info doesn't mean you have to contact anyone. Only when you are ready, if ever. When you have all the contact info in you hand, that is when to choose that step. I've had so much FUN, sheer joy, lately researching my geneaology. Finding all the generations, reading the stories and seeing the pictures makes me feel so full, complete. And I would not have had to meet anyone to be able to do this. I dont' know what else to type other than - I agree that it's scary as hell.

I feel so sorry for you. What a miserable afamily. We are all here for you. My sister-in-law felt that I wasn't a real family member since she married my brother in 1958. Their kids (although close in age to me) never called me aunt. My youngest nephew, who I'm godmother to, told a friend of mine that I wasn't really his aunt. So I can understand a little of how you feel. Just remember you're not alone and its everyone else's loss. My bmother named her 2nd daughter the same first and middle name as me. She never told her husband she had a child. People do what they feel they have to do and it's really not personal. Hard to accept, but not personal. Take care of yourself.

"I am horribly unhappy. I have never seen another human being who looks like me, sounds like me, has my mannerisms or my quirks. I live with this horrible loneliness of person, of family, of connection, of place in society, in the world. I feel like I am all alone in a sea of people who live with a sense of place and person in family to ground and connect them, even if it is of some nominal or unhappy sort. " I totally understand where you are coming from. However I don't think you should let your experiences with you AFamily define the type of relationships that can be had with non-blood-relatives. Beyond the "look like me" part (which I personally TOTALLY understand), you CAN find people to ground you and to connect to, to bring a more complete feeling to your life. I have not yet reunited, but have actively worked on creating this with friends, and searching out new people to bring this into my life. It's made me a lot happier. Deep connections and a firm sense of place in the world is absolutely possible without blood relatives. Just my 2 cents, :)

I am also dying to meet someone that looks like me.....:hissy:

I think all of us here can relate to what you're saying about finding as I would call it "your clan" and people that look like, act like, and have similar talents, likes, & interests. Keep in mind, some families don't look that much alike and my nieces who are full blood sisters are completely different in almost every way. Some families tend to have very strong resemblances and some don't seem to. I met my biological half sister several years ago and I would never have guessed we were related if I'd met her at random. Her son resembles me some but I'm sure I could find another kid on the street that resembles me too. I guess if I'd met more relatives (my sister and I were both adopted and neither of us know our biological parents) then maybe I would see more resemblances and have more sense of "connectedness". I heard the saying once that "mystery is greater than reality". I think this can apply. Don't get me wrong, I totally get the "mirroring" thing. Sometimes I think meeting my biological parents is more of a "sense of having proof" that I am actually a human being after all and not an alien from another planet. Meeting my sister was great but honestly it just created more questions in my mind about where we came from. In terms of searching, DNA testing is becoming more popular. People that do geneaology research are getting into this and you can find possibly third cousins through this process. And you know these are people looking for family. Don't know how it totally works but may be worth looking into. I read that a man ended up finding his biological father's family through this process. Don't know if any of this helps you, but trust me, we as adoptees totally understand where you're coming from. I didn't really care when I was younger but it actually becomes more important the older I get.